"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Monday, November 28, 2011

The first boyfriend

This post was not what I had planned for today. But it’s something that really upset me, and I can’t decide if I’m being ridiculous for being upset about it or not. One of the good things that has come out of having my father as my father…is he gave me a very large family. I was an only child for the first 9 years of my life, and since then, he’s given me 2 half siblings (and in a way, a step sibling).
                Anyways, my little sister is now 11. She lives near my husband and I, and I’ve been lucky enough to have always been involved in her life. Since my husband and I got married, it’s been harder to see her. I feel like we’re always working, we always have things going on, and I feel swallowed by life. I’ve been unemployed for awhile, and even with that one thing out of the way…it’s felt like 5 things have taken it’s place. I’ve always believed in “if you want to see someone, you’ll make time to see them”. But here I am…contradicting myself.
                I haven’t heard from my little sister in awhile, and I texted her a few days ago, asking how her Thanksgiving was. As I was sitting here working on another post…I got a text from her. Her Thanksgiving was fine, phone has been off, and she has a boyfriend. It threw me off guard a little bit. I used to be the person she went to instantly to tell those things to. I remember the first time she asked me what sex was. Oh boy. Not that I had an answer for her…but she trusted me to bring those things up with me. If she liked a boy, she always told me. And here…she has a “boyfriend”…and I had no idea. Now I know…she’s 11, it’s not like it’s serious. But I had NO idea. Didn’t know she liked anyone, didn’t know she was even looking at boys like that. It got me seeing that I have next to no idea what’s going on with her right now. And I have to say…I feel like a terrible person.
                It’s not that I don’t love that little girl. I’d do absolutely anything for any of my siblings at any time. I’d give my life for all 3 of them if it would help them in some way. But lately…I’ve been distancing myself from them. My brothers are living close as well…and I haven’t seen them in months. I want to…but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m finally starting to question why…and I hate to say that it probably has something to do with my dad.
                I’m afraid of questions about him, I’m afraid of thinking about him. I’m afraid of any kind of connection with him…and that’s what they are. But just like me…it’s not their fault that they have the father they do. And if anything…I should be there more for them. I should be more constant in their lives to help them deal with all the things they’re going to face in the future when it comes to him.
                Things are so crazy right now…and all I want to do is crawl into bed for a few days to clear my head. But this is something I’m really struggling with. And for the first time in my life…I’m hesitant to act. I’m trying, and although it doesn’t show with the way I’ve been acting…those kids mean the world to me. Why is it when you try better yourself in certain aspects…it’s so easy to drop the ball in others?

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