My dad had a very specific in taste in music over the years. When I was little it drove me nuts, I wanted to listen to the NOW CD’s, and all of the new stuff. But he always had this other stuff on. James Taylor, Kenny Loggins, JoDee Messina, etc. Today, I find those same artists to be some of the most calming I’ve ever heard. Whenever I get upset, I curl up with some tea and a James Taylor CD. The longer I listen to him, the more I’m able to calm down.
This isn’t as random as it seems I swear. Last night my husband and I were at a friend’s house, and we were all talking about music. I brought up Kenny Loggins and was surprised at how they knew who I was talking about. I got to listening to the songs that I haven’t really heard in years, and was surprised at the feelings they brought up.
I had dreams about my dad last night. Really vivid dreams…and for once they weren’t nightmares. It was strange…but at the same time it was nice to not wake up panicking. As I write this I’m still listening to Loggins and I think I finally know why I have such a strong connection with this music. I’m sure in part it’s the fact that I grew up with both of my parents playing the same kinds of music…but now I know there’s more to it. Kenny Loggins sounds just like my dad. Add some piano to my dad’s guitar playing back in the day, and a voice that’s just slightly higher pitched. They have the same style…and the same calming effect.
I miss my dad. I don’t miss the craziness and I certainly don’t miss the horrible things he used to do. But I miss him. I miss the way he smelled (minus when all you could smell was drugs), I miss how his guitar sounded down the hallway while I fell asleep, and I miss seeing his face. So many things remind me of him every day, and I’m doing my best to reprogram my brain. As I said the other day…I want the memories to be positive…and I want my dreams to be more like the ones I had last night.