"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Monday, December 12, 2011

Hope faith and patience and loyalty

The holidays are always hard when someone you love is gone. I guess I’m kind of dealing with a double whammy this year. It’s hard on me knowing that other people are in pain…even when I’m mad at them. I guess that’s one of my bigger problems. I am easily manipulated into being upset over someone else’s actions. Even when they don’t directly affect me. It upsets me knowing that their life isn’t what they want it to be. Now my head continuously tells me how I can’t do anything about someone else, and how I can’t fix everything. But for some reason I’m programmed to think that I can. I don’t know if that’s just from the way I grew up, or if it’s just in my blood somehow.
                I’ve really been wanting to send my dad a letter for Christmas. Just to let him know that regardless of our relationship, I am thinking about him. I want to tell him that I love him, and that I wish things were different. Because as much as I’m hurting…I can only imagine how alone he’s feeling. It has to be a scary feeling. I don’t want him to feel abandoned…but I also can’t help that his actions have led him to this point.
                I’ve been praying for him, and I guess that’s really all I can do. I keep him in my thoughts all the time, and I hope that one day he will find peace. Maybe he won’t…and there’s nothing I can do to control that…but I can hope.
                Hope, faith, and love. You see that saying a lot. I have the words trust, patience, and loyalty in a tattoo on my shoulder. And honestly I feel like coping with life ties into all 6 of those. You have to have hope in every situation. It might not feel like things could possibly get better…but holding onto hope keeps you sane in those dark times. Faith could mean anything. Faith in God, faith in a higher power…faith in love…whatever. Just means you believe in something. Love is obvious. Having love for life, love for others…but most of all, for yourself. If you can’t love yourself…you can’t truly love someone else. Trust is just like love. You have to trust in everything. Trust yourself, your friends, and whoever else you choose to have in your life. Trust, and be trustworthy. Patience will get you through any situation. Giving things time, even when you want to rush through them…will keep you going, and will make you stronger in the end. And finally loyalty. Be the one people go to for help. Always be there for the people who will be there for you. We may think we can conquer anything…but it’s a lot easier to act like a superhero…when you know there’s a support system behind you.
So the recap: the things needed for personal recovery and growth (in my opinion).
Patience for the grieving process,
loyalty to those who are there for me,
hope for the future,
faith in the bigger picture,
trust in myself to make the right decisions,
and most importantly…
love for myself regardless of the outcome.


  1. Kat, thank you for starting this blog. I've found your posts have helped me rethink a few things in my life. I have a question...

    Is it your father you love, or the idea of a 'father' that you love?

    I heard that from a therapist a while back. It sounds hard, but it made me think my definition of family. 'Family' should mean something special, but sometimes we give that special term to people when it's not earned or deserved just because there is a biological connection.

    No matter how much I wanted the idea of that family member in my life, the real-life person wasn't it. In fact that family member was cruel and dangerous. In your case, Kat, maybe your birthfather didn't/doesn't behave like a father. You could say, he tore up his 'father card' when he did any number of the things you've mentioned.

    Why pursue that relationship? Why spend the most precious thing you have (time) on this? What happens if you say "I'm done with this relationship"? Will you get grief from other family members? Will you get grief from the man you think is your 'father'? Will you feel lost without this conflict?...

    I don't have the answers for myself, but I'm hoping you'll figure it out and post them in a few months :)

    Thanks again

  2. Thank you for posting, and thank you even more for reading! I'm going to try and answer your questions the best I can :)

    As for whether or not I love my father...I can honestly say that I love him. Now, the idea of him is what tortures me I think. Thinking about the times he should have been there for me, and wanting him around when I'm upset...that all just makes me sad. But I spent 14 years of my life with him in my I do honestly care what happens to him. My mom told me once, "The opposite of love isn't's indifference." So every time I question my love for him...I ask myself if I still care what happens to him. And I do, what hurts him...hurts me. Therefore I know I still love him, whether or not I want to (or he deserves it).

    As to why I pursue a relationship...I honestly don't anymore. I want to...but I don't. I got a restraining order a few months ago to keep myself from doing just that. Granted it was more to keep him away from me...but it also gave me a built in support system to keep myself from contacting him. Whether I like it or not...time will always be spent thinking about my father. Even after he's gone, I know memories of him are going to haunt me. But that's because he makes up a large part of who I am. The way I think...the way I act...the things I enjoy or don't enjoy...a lot of that came from him. Hell, every time I look in the mirror I see his blue eyes staring back at me.

    I have said that I'm done with the relationship, and I've meant it. But as I will never change the fact that I am invested in what happens to him. Even if I'm done with the relationship...I still care. That man is half of me, and I have younger siblings that are going to have to walk this road too. Maybe not as involved...because they haven't seen him since they were infants...but they too will struggle with not having him around. Maybe he doesn't deserve my love...honestly I know he doesn't. But I'm a Christian girl...and people make mistakes. People do stupid things...but it doesn't make them unworthy of love.

    The majority of my family has supported me through this struggle. Some aren't happy that I have cut off ties, and try to manipulate me back into the line of fire. But I won't do it. The others see that I'm safer out of it...and will support me no matter my decision. Without them I wouldn't be where I am now...learning to deal with all of this in a healthy way.

    Your last question really made me think...and is the main reason I didn't respond to your comment right away (it got sent to my phone). It made me think about how I could ever truly be rid of the conflict. And honestly...the only way that could even be possible, will be after my father has died. Now to clarify, I do NOT wish that on him. Just to be blunt...that's the only time I can see myself not having to struggle with maintaining a relationship or not. However when I imagine that day...I also see a lot of pain. Very deep seated pain.

    The whole point of this blog is my own recovery. And a big part of that, is focusing on this conflict we're talking about. The conflict isn't just whether or not to have a relationship with my's a bigger conflict within myself. Well...multiple conflicts kind of. It's me struggling with learning how to live while dealing with the chaos he radiates.

    I don't know if this helped you at all. I hope it did, and I hope I can continue to help. :)

    Thanks again...your comment got me thinking!