The holidays are hard, there’s no doubt about that. This year has had a lot of hard times, making the holidays that much harder. I am so thankful to have my family, who has done their best to be there for me through it all. This Christmas should have been my babies first Christmas, and that was something that I was really struggling with. It was also my father’s first Christmas in jail, and that was bothering me more than I thought it would. And again…to top it all off…it’s my first Christmas in years without my husband by my side.
I haven’t written anything over the holiday and it’s hard to explain why. I guess it’s a combination of reasons. Part of me wanted to document every feeling I had…and the other part wanted to run from it all. I would be fine one second, enjoying the time with my family, and seeing the positive future ahead. But then two minutes later, something would snap and I’d be engulfed in this feeling of dread. The idea of my father sitting in jail during this time made me physically ill. Does he deserve to be there? Absolutely. But at the same time…how could anyone possibly make it through that…
Another problem with writing was the fact that I felt like I had nothing to say. Most of the time words just come to me and flow right out of my fingers. I felt completely unable to form any kind of coherent thought…let alone get creative in any way. I’m still having that problem. I can’t focus on what I’m talking about, and I feel too tired to function.
I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me the last few months. I figured it was stress…but part of me was honestly starting to question if I had some kind of attention disorder. I felt like I couldn’t get anything accomplished. The harder I tried to process things, the more confused I got. My brain would focus in on anything but what it needed to. And let me tell you…that made the last month complete hell. Between finishing my licensing courses, taking state exams, spending time with family, traveling, the holidays, working, and day to day life…not to mention the big emotional things going on right around now…I couldn’t get a damn thing done.
I finally figured it out. And I feel like it’s been staring me in the face this entire time. How I out of all people missed it all this time…confuses the hell out of me. I’ve been clinically depressed. I’ve been so busy and running myself ragged…because I fell into depression again. Now I’m sure someone somewhere is going to read this and think there’s no way I could diagnose myself with this. But I can. I’ve dealt with it before and I know how it manifests itself in my body. Personally, all of the symptoms hit, and my first reaction is to push myself harder. Instead of giving myself time to process, and taking a step back…I push push push. I continue to push until I hit a wall and completely crumple under the pressure.
Somehow this time I didn’t crumple. I don’t know how or why…but I didn’t. Maybe I’m finally getting stronger. I have no doubt that this is pure depression. There’s no question in my mind now. The constant exhaustion with an inability to sleep, the terrifying dreams, the headaches, the erratic eating habits, the instant panic attacks, and the random bouts of falling apart in tears. All scream a chemical imbalance. Mood swings, and the constant feeling like I have to be moving and doing something…it’s my mechanism for dealing with it. I don’t know why I didn’t see it sooner.
I’m trying to get back into writing now. I love this blog, and I love that I’ve been able to help people with it. But I’m not going to lie to the people reading it. I’m struggling. I’m having an incredibly hard time dealing with the things under the surface. My new job is phenomenal and I love it. I’m good at it. My social life is fantastic, and I feel like I always have someone to spend time with. My family is great and supporting me through the hard times. But the things that are deep down, the big issues…are just hovering. As much as I don’t want to deal with them…I have to.
I’m still mad at him. I’m still really upset that he’s there. But for some reason, right now…my body just won’t let me deal with it. I have to trust that there’s a reason for that. No one said this was going to be easy…and right now I need to focus on me.
***If you or anyone you know has feelings like the ones I mentioned above…get help. I don’t care if that means sending me an email, or finding a psychologist. Talk to SOMEONE. And don’t wait. Depression sneaks up and doesn’t just “go away”. Instead it gets worse and hides deep down. Getting help doesn’t have to mean medication, it could just mean getting suggestions on how to cope. There is always hope, and there is always someone who cares.
However if you or anyone you know has feelings of (or mentions having feelings) of suicide. Get help immediately. I’m not saying that I’m suicidal, but I have thought like that. And I know how serious it is. Depression often leads to those thoughts unexpectedly, and when someone feels like they are truly at the end of their options…they make bad decisions. Always take suicidal thoughts/comments seriously. Depression isn’t a choice, it’s a disease. Don’t ignore it…fight it.***