I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’m usually a very calm person, especially in the face of extreme stress. I usually get quiet, I pull away, and I handle things in my own time. But something inside of me has snapped recently. Monday was a horrible day…and the anger that came pouring out of me really took me by surprise. Things had been going wrong all day, and I turned into this confrontational person that I’ve never seen before. I was so overwhelmed and put off by the situations in my life…and I snapped.
I was moving things that night, and I had to drive around a lot. I don’t remember driving. I remember seeing white, and shaking for hours. I’m sure that’s in no way healthy…but I feel like it’s been a long time coming. So much has happened recently, and I’ve been so calm about it all. Even the things that would set any normal person off. I’ve been coping, and taking care of responsibilities. I finally just had enough, and I lost it.
I’m back to that strange calm of mine. That calm where it feels like things are just swirling out of control around me, and I’m sitting in the middle of it all in some kind of daze. Since when can I not function? Since when do I fall apart? It doesn’t happen…hasn’t as long as I can remember. Have I had moments that things overwhelmed me…absolutely. But it’s never been this extended.
I will pull it together. I have no doubt about that. I just wish it would happen faster. It’s frustrating having to be patient when dealing with something like this. This is something that I feel should be simple…it’s all in my head. I should be able to fix it in a little bit of time. But that’s not at all the case. It’s all twisted up and chaos up in that brain of mine…I imagine it to look something like one of those pawn shops they show on TV, or the inside of my closet. Once you go in…you’re probably not coming out.
I’m rambling. Maybe I’m finally starting to get my inspiration back (if that’s what you want to call it). Or maybe I’m just losing all the sanity I did have left. But I do know it’s time to start writing again. I’ve got so much to say, and so much to work through. Whether or not it’ll help anyone else work through their issues remains to be seen…but I can hope it does. I’m putting a lot of very personal details out there for anyone to read, and that’s a little scary. But at the same time, I want it to be clear that I’m not perfect. All those people who keep telling me how well I’m holding it together…I want them to know that I’m really not. I’d love to be superwoman…but the truth is I’m not! I’m just a little girl from Ohio with a crazy parent. A girl that struggles with his influence on her life…and a girl who’s every action reflects that influence.
It’ll all be okay. I’ll survive, I’ll manage, hell I might even surpass some expectations. But it won’t be easy. And right now…it kinda sucks.