"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Life in prison

                Life in prison. 3 words that are completely shaking my world. October 9th is the new court date…and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I can’t decide if I’m going to go…or if it’s time to cut ties completely. Part of me needs that closure…and part of me wants nothing to do with the situation. It’s hard to look at the articles and pictures of what happened on that day and identify who I’m looking at. Sometimes I’m able to see my dad…the guy who was supposed to be my parent and love me unconditionally. But lately…all I can see is this monster that I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ve started to really detach myself from the situation or what…but I feel like I’m having a slight identity crisis.
                The problem is I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want him to be my dad…or just another criminal in jail. Of course I want him to be my dad…but it’s starting to feel like he’s just another inmate. Maybe it’s because I don’t talk to him, and rarely get updates…but either way…I’ve kind of stopped caring. Well…I can’t say I’ve stopped caring because that’s not entirely true. I’ve just removed myself from the situation as best I can.
                It scares me how calm I’ve been about this entire situation. My father is looking at life in prison. He’s going to get life in prison…whether I like it or not. In the latest case development…all of the experts who were supposed to testify for his defense…refused. His defense was insanity…but no expert will testify to that fact. Don’t get me wrong…my father is completely insane…but he knew what he was doing when he set that girl’s house on fire. It was premeditated…and he meant to do it. He is a danger to society and to himself, and he deserves to be locked up for the rest of his life. But that is still a hard pill to swallow.
                I have spent weeks TRYING to detach from the situation. I pushed it out of my head when I thought about it…and I stopped writing on here. Apparently it worked a little too well. I haven’t dealt with any of this in a while…and now it’s building up. I’m afraid as to how I’m going to react down the line. While I know what’s coming…and I’ve tried to prepare myself for it…I’m not sure how I’m going to handle hearing those 3 simple words.
                It’s amazing isn’t it? How something as simple as 3 words can completely screw with you. Hell…there are names that upset me when I hear them. Life in prison. I just keep saying it over and over to myself…this all still seems fake. Like some bad Lifetime movie or something. I mean who in real life has things like this happen. I know we all fight our own battles, and I’m not trying to have a pity party. I’m just honestly flabbergasted when I think about all of it. How crazy…that this is my life. I’m thankful for the lessons it has taught me…but enough is enough.
                I am the daughter of a drug addict. It does not make me less of a person and it most certainly doesn’t define my future. I love my father and sometimes I hate him. I miss him and I’m mad at him. I hurt for him…and after those 3 simple words it looks like I’ll be living for him.
                Life in prison.