I feel like I’ve found myself. I’ve been working hard on getting everything in my life put back together…and I think I finally have. Things have been getting progressively better…and I’m at the point where I feel comfortable. All the things that need to be taken care of…are almost done. I’m back in school…or rather I will be in 6 days. I’m working enough to support myself…hopefully without overloading myself. The divorce is in the last stages, and it seems to be civil. Trial is only about 2 months away…and I’m feeling stronger than I ever have.
I’m going alone. That scares the hell out of me. It freaks me out to know that in less than 2 months…I will be face to face with my father again, for the first time in years. I’m not sure how he’ll react to me being there. You never know which Paul you’re going to see…is it going to be sentimental, loving Paul…or angry, psycho Paul? I don’t like the uncertainty.
What I do like though…is the renewed sense of self I have. I know that I can face him. I’m sure I’ll fall apart…I’m sure it’s going to be one of the hardest weeks in my life. But I know that the strength I’ll use to pull through it…is going to carry me for the rest of my life. It’s hard for anyone else to understand that idea. What they don’t quite understand…is it’s me completely regaining control. My father thrived on having control over people, emotionally and physically. He needed to have power…and he did. He controlled what I did, how I felt…everything about me in some way. But all of this time away from him has helped me regain that power.
I’m responsible for my own happiness…and I’m in control of my emotions (ok maybe not all of the time, but I am human). My life will go where I want it to…because I’ll make my dreams happen. I won’t spend time doubting myself…because that’s what he wanted.
Going to trial is me proving to myself that I can maintain my control. I can sit there, watch it all happen, and I will get through it. I know that I have backup at home…and an amazing support system. But when in a situation like that…I can take care of myself. I can stay strong against it all.
I’m thankful…and a little scared. But more thankful that I got a second chance at this whole life thing. Everyone deserves to be happy.