It has
been an amazing two days. I can’t even begin to explain it. Yesterday was my
great grandma’s birthday…and I think she may have sent me some relief from
upstairs. I was at the end of my rope the past few days. I’ve been unbelievably
bummed…and stressed out. But now…I’m starting to feel better. The simple things
are making me happy again…and I’m ready to fight again.
Don’t
get me wrong…this is hard. I’m not okay right now. I will be…but I’m not. I
mean being completely honest…I’ve been torn down quite a few times this year.
There is a huge level of stress trying to figure out where I’m going to live,
how I’m going to work enough to support myself, and go to school full time. But
I know I can do it.
I enrolled
in school yesterday. I’ve been afraid to do it…and haven’t had the motivation
or the inner strength to push myself any harder than I already was. Then
something snapped…and here I am ready to get back into it. Part of me wanted to
send out a mass email to a bunch of people telling them to go screw off the
second I did it. There have been so many people who said I wouldn’t and/or
couldn’t do it. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “you won’t go back.”
Members of my own family made “I’ll believe it when I see it” comments…and “yea
we’ll see” remarks. I know I’m not done yet…but this was the hardest part of
all of it. So again…to all of those people…bite me. Tell me I won’t do
something…and watch how fast I turn it around in your face.
Anyways…then
I went to a wedding last night with a friend. And had an absolutely amazing
night. I’m STILL smiling about it, and it’s been almost 24 hours. I forgot
about my problems for a few hours, and my cheeks hurt by the time I went home from
being so damn giddy all night. My dork true colors showed…and it felt good.
On
another note…I’m trying to stay positive here…because in just 2 short months…is
my father’s court date. I’m going…don’t care what it takes. I need to be there,
and it’s something that I need to do on my own. I can’t really explain why…it
just is. I think I need to prove something to myself…that he isn’t going to
affect me for my entire life. Well…just not to the extent that he does now. I
need to stand and look him in the eye…with no one by my side…and be able to
handle it. I’m sure I’ll break down at some point…I mean if you’ve paid any
attention, he’s headed to prison for the rest of his life. Watching that will
tear me apart in every way I’m sure of it. Hearing all of the horrible things
they’re going to say about him…will hurt me. But it will make me stronger. I
will finally be able to see a judge stand up for what’s right…and some sort of
justice can be returned to my life. Just two more months…and this whole ordeal
can be over.
I know
there will still be a journey ahead. That’s what life is anyways right? But
this will bring some sense of closure…”every new beginning comes from some
other beginning’s end.” This can be the end of this chapter in my life. In many
ways. Ironically enough…the trial will fall during the same week as what should
be my 5th anniversary as well. I guess it will be more of a closing
of two chapters completely.
I’m one
of the lucky ones. I get to start over…I get a second chance at this whole
thing. Hell…I’ve been given quite a few chances. Statistics said that I would
be a drug addict by 12…a deadbeat mother by 16…and then that I’d never finish
school.
I
always hated statistics.
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