I think I can honestly say that my father’s death still hasn’t hit me. I hurt more for other members of my family than I do for myself. I’m dealing with it, in a way…but part of me is still going my usual way and avoiding emotion. It was all so sudden…and so many other things were going on at the time. I never had a chance to sit and realize what happened.
It’s been really hard to write, and I think that’s the reason. I am fully aware that my father is gone. But I don’t really have emotions regarding the whole thing. I mean of course I have emotions, but I don’t feel much. I hurt for my little sister and the confusion she’s dealing with. I hurt for my grandmother who lost her son. I hurt for my aunts who were just as stunned as the rest of us. I hurt for my dad, who never reconciled with all the people he hurt. But I don’t hurt for me.
I have a very strange calm surrounding me with the whole situation. I’m not sure if it’s still denial, or if I’ve reached some kind of strange acceptance. I hope it’s acceptance…because I’m really not looking for some huge breakdown in a few months.
Maybe it’s my stubbornness…and my inability to ever let anything break me down. My boyfriend and I were talking last night, and he said that something he loved about me was the fact that I’m not a victim. It’s funny because my mom has said the same thing before. There are two types of people. Victims and survivors. Life is going to smack you around and break you down. It’s inevitable. Victims…let it. Survivors peel themselves off the pavement and reply with “you hit like a bitch.” Sometimes…an even bigger bus comes flying by and flattens you yet again just for fun…but survivors still don’t let it end them.
Life has flattened me many times. I’ve seen it try to flatten my mom, and I know it’s tried to take out Nick, other members of my family, and my best friend many times as well. But the wonderful thing about the people in my life these days…is none of them let life get the last word. They fight harder the more life throws at them. I’m lucky to be surrounded by such great people…and they’re keeping me going.
I have a lot to say right now, but have to go to work. I’ve been a little all over the place with my posts lately…but I’m starting to get back into a writing routine that I promise I’ll try to organize a little more.