"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Happy Birthday "little" girl

     So this is going to be a relatively quick I'm on a strange computer, and have to leave in about 20-30 minutes. I haven't posted in too usual. I've written posts, but it's on paper, and of course I can never find the paper once it's time to actually type it all up.
     But forget that. Today's post is focused on one thing. My birthday. Today...I turn 22. It's strange to me...22 SOUNDS old in my head...but in reality I know that I'm still quite the baby. However...I'm only that age physically. Mentally I feel 40. I know that sounds crazy...but I grew up quickly. And not only did I grow up quickly during early adolescence...I've grown up in a big way in just the last 3 years.
     In 22 years I've done a lot. I've been to 4 different colleges, dropped out twice, I got married, got divorced, lost a parent, lost children, and lost friends I considered family. But it hasn't all been negative. I've gained even more than I've lost. I've gained some really good friends...and although there aren't many of them...the ones I do have are true, and trustworthy. I saw parts of the world that some people never see...from Paris, to London, to Ireland, to Bolivia. I've gained a new sense of self...and the ability to just "be me" without worries of how it will affect my relationships. I've gotten closer to my family, and I finally feel like they are proud of me again. I've gotten myself back in school for good this time...and with a major that really fits who I am and what I've been through in my life. I started this blog...which has not only taken off in a way I never thought it would...but has also become a sense of calm for me...and somewhere to say what I want, when I want...without concern.
     I've been excessively thankful lately. I may be 22...but I understand the important things in life. I understand myself. I've learned so much in the last few years...and I'm comfortable where I am. I finally don't feel like I have to rush my life. 22 happened fast enough...and I did a lot of "living" in those 22. I'm ready to sit back and enjoy myself. I love my job, I love my friends, I love the man in my life, I have time to spend with my family and enjoy doing so, I love coaching, and I love my major. I can't wait to continue on this path at a slower speed. Things will get done in time...when they're supposed to. My degree will be finished...when I'm ready. I will get married...when it's the right the right person. And then I can try again to have kids...and this time it will work out because of the timing and the person that will be right. (See what I did there?).
     I complain sometimes. Maybe too much. But in all reality...I am the happiest I've ever far. I was happy before...but I don't think I quite understood what TRUE happiness was. The happiness that doesn't require other people...but is eccentuated by them. The happiness that you find yourself...and work for yourself.
     My other called me her independent and stubborn offspring the other day...and honestly it made me really happy. I know so many people my age who don't care that they're destroying their lives...and it hurts me to see them falling apart. I wish they could all have the peace I do.

     But anyways...I got on to rambling as I usually do. But my main point (as this blog was originally about my dad) was about the difficulty in getting through today. It is my first birthday that I haven't heard from him in some way. It's hard to know that he's gone forever. It's a bit of a reality check on days like today. But at the same time it's ok. I looked in the mirror this morning and my eyes were super blue (probably because I'm sleep deprived...but let's go with that there's some bigger divine reason for it). I thought of my dad. A few tears came to my eyes...but then I saw the pictures of my little sister and brothers hanging in my room...and was reminded yet again, of the beautiful things I wouldn't have if it weren't for my dad. And then looking at an even bigger picture...I wouldn't have my life without him. I wouldn't be me...and I mean come on...that'd be a damn shame...cuz I'm pretty freakin awesome.
     Kidding. Kinda.

     It's easy on a day like today to feel happy. All these people that NEVER talk to you suddenly pretending like you're still friends because it's more excitement in their day. But it's also just a reminder to me of all the people I've encountered in my life. Whether or not we're still close...whether or not we get doesn't matter. At some point in time, some kind of impression was made on that person for them to remember and care enough to say something. Maybe it's just because Facebook reminded them...but it's still a good feeling. And if the 100+ posts/texts/phone calls/etc that I've already gotten are any indication...I've already lived a very full life. I read all the nicknames I have from the people in my life as they wish me a happy birthday and it makes me smile. All from different stages in my life so far...Kat, Katie, Kate, Kitty, Bunny, Little Sister, Sissy, Beautiful, Wifey, Auntie...just reminds me of what I mean to those people. I guess the easiest way to say everything I've been typing (very scatterbrained today) is that I'm thankful for the last 22 years...I'm thankful to have all that I do and those that I love...and I'm thankful to be loved in return.

     I have to go to lunch now...go get go to class before the big birthday celebration.

     Happy Birthday "little" girl <3