Ever have one of those days where you just want to scream “why me?!” at the top of your lungs? If you say no…you’re a liar. If you say yes…you understand my current feeling. I’m not going to go into what has happened today…because quite frankly it doesn’t matter, and would violate the privacy of some other people.
But tonight…I’m throwing a little pity party. Or rather I was (I’ll get there in a second). But I spent a decent amount of time in the last 24 hours being really freaking irritated. I found myself getting really angry at life because it has this constant need to try and drive me absolutely mental.
Let’s be honest here…I have been through hell in my life. From an abusive parent that I got to watch slowly kill himself, to helping raise children that weren’t mine, to losing my own babies while I was still pregnant, to divorce at 21, not to mention the other 30 million little things from day to day. Now, I’m usually pretty good at giving myself reality checks and closing down the inner pity party. But for some reason today, it just wasn’t working. Given some of the things that have happened, things that have been said, and my just pure exhaustion from my current schedule…I was in full blown “poor me” mode.
Then I got home and read a fellow blogger’s post for the day So you had a bad day and it gave me a bit of a reality check. I had a bad day…big freaking deal. I’ve had them before and will have them again. Not even brushing on the idea that many people in this world had a much WORSE day…and the idea that I’m still alive and breathing…I’m still a lucky girl.
That post got me thinking about the things I’ve been through. As examples…things I mentioned above. I had an abusive father. I went through absolute hell on Earth for a few years there. I felt lower than low, and basically learned that I wasn’t worth anything. BUT. There’s a catch. I also learned valuable life lessons. I learned that sometimes…people suck, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. I learned how to build my own self-esteem, and I learned how to not only be independent…but also that sometimes you have to live for yourself. I learned that you can’t “fix” other people no matter how much you may want to. And I also learned that sometimes you have to walk away from the people you love…and watch them make their own lives. The only way you can “live” for someone else…is by making yourself the best you can…and leading as full a life as possible.
I helped raise children that weren’t mine, and it broke my heart when they were out of my life. But I had that chance. I had moments at 3 am with a small baby asleep on my chest…without a worry in the world. I protected a little life, and made a few moments better for them. I made them laugh, I watched them grow, and even if it was as small as teaching them to tie their shoes…I had some kind of impact. I learned at a young age that children are the future…and we have to protect their innocence as long as possible. I figured out early that there isn’t much more I want in life…than to have my own family eventually.
As for this next topic…it’s one of the hardest for me to stomach, and one that I struggle with the most. I lost my own children. I have been pregnant, I have had little mini heartbeats in me, and I have felt a child move in my stomach. And then I have been through the hell of a doctor grabbing my hand, apologizing, and telling me that my child’s heart was no longer beating…and that there was nothing they could do. No explanation, no chance at fixing it…it was just over. I know all of my children’s due dates, and angel dates. Sometimes it was quick, and it happened before I really had the chance to get excited…but other times it didn’t. In those cases it leads to explaining to family and friends that there was no longer a baby on the way…all while desperately trying holding it together. But as I’m trying to look at the positives…I have to accept that there was a reason I didn’t get to hold my children in my arms. Maybe it was because I would have ended up a single parent, maybe it was because my body couldn’t handle it…I don’t know. But I have to accept that there’s a reason. And it’s made me even more sure that I want children one day…in whatever way it takes. Whether I carry them myself, or adopt them out of a bad situation…it doesn’t matter. Heck…maybe that’s why it happened. Maybe I’m meant to give children stuck in the kind of home I was in…a better and safer place to grow up. It doesn’t matter…it all made me stronger, and showed me that I can truly handle anything.
When it comes to my divorce…in all reality, there are a million lessons I learned, and a ton of positives to the situation. Granted it ripped my heart out…and still bothers me on a daily basis. But…I know that it’s a good thing. I took a chance. I jumped out of the nest, tried out my wings…and went crashing into the ground. It hurt, and it changed me…but it taught me a lot about who I am. It helped me realize what I want and what I don’t. All at the same time…it’s given me a chance to figure out who I am by myself. I’ve had over a year now of being on my own, dating, doing all the things you’re supposed to do. I was too young, and despite everyone telling me that…it was a chance I needed to take. I’m glad I took the shot at it…because I refuse to wonder “what if” in life. It didn’t work out, and as I said…it hurt like hell. It ripped me apart and made me question everything going on in my life. But it helped me grow as a person…as opposed to someone’s “other half”.
All of things have led to the person I am now. A person that despite her faults…tends to think she’s a pretty good person. I’m not perfect…I’m very very far from it. But my life is good. I have a house that is perfect for me. I have two cats that are like my children…and a puppy that will be keeping me on my toes. I have a good job…that although it leads to long hours, and a lot of time on my feet…pays my bills and keeps me entertained. I’m in school for something that I really LOVE. It’s hard, I’m tired, but I love that one day I will have a degree that allows me to help the people that are like my dad was. I love that I get use my life experiences to help other people. I have this amazing man that for some reason puts up with all of my insanity…and somehow seems to enjoy it. I’m being treated in a way I never have been. He appreciates how hard I work, keeps me in check, and the best part is…he knows the real “me”. He knows my faults, he knows my good qualities…and he loves me for both. He shows me he loves me at every opportunity, and makes me happier than I’ve ever been. We disagree, we argue sometimes. I get cranky and bite his head off…and then we move on. We work together, and even when we’re “arguing” I’m still happier than I’ve ever been, and can’t imagine my life without him in it. I can say with 110% certainty…he’s the man I’m going to marry. Not anytime soon, not for probably 3-4 years…but it’s going to happen. We’re going to have a house, a family, and two kick butt careers someday. And for once in my life…I’m in no rush. I know it will happen when it should.
I have a few great friends, an amazing family behind me, and in reality…just a lot of good in my life. I have no right to have a “pity party” on a bad day…because as that blog post I mentioned earlier says…the bad days build your character. They are how you learn that life isn’t perfect. They’re how you get stronger and learn to work harder to achieve what you want.
The bad days…are just blessings in disguise. So here I am. Imperfect, sometimes a royal pain in the ass, and most certainly learning something new every day. Bring on the bad days…I’ve still got a lot of growing to do.