I am procrastinating again. Please…pretend to be shocked. I’ve been trying to get homework done…but the blog and my father keep popping into my brain. One thing in particular actually.
I made a mistake last week…and posting some things on my Facebook about my dad, and his trial. I was thinking that my privacy settings were as they always used to be…and was under the impression that the posts were hidden from my little sister. I was sadly very mistaken. My little sister read the articles, saw things that I said, and was devastated. Meanwhile…I felt like the worst person in the world. I’ve spent so much time trying desperately to protect that girl from all the crappy things in life…and here I was the one that hurt her. Great how that works isn’t it?
I know I’m not perfect…and obviously the situation wasn’t intentional. I have been repeatedly beating myself up about it…even knowing there isn’t anything I can do about it.
My sister is about to be 13…and we have kind of a hard relationship right now. I’m 22…working 50 hours a week, going to school full time, trying to manage a house alone, coaching, and trying to run the weekly errands…gas station, grocery store, post office, doctor’s office, paying bills, etc. Meanwhile, she has school, and baton which take up a lot of her time. It is incredibly hard for me to get time with her…because let’s face it, my “free” time is frequently between the hours of 3 am and 9 am. Not exactly prime time to call and hang out with a preteen.
It’s hard for her to understand. She thinks I don’t care…and that rips my heart out. She thinks I’m not making time for her…because she sees that I do things with other people. Issue being…those people can meet me for lunch between my classes at 1 pm…or can go out for a drink at 11 pm when I get out of my last class.
It breaks my heart on a constant basis that I can’t do more. And anyone that knows me…knows that I push myself too hard, and try too hard to be everything to everyone around me. I run myself ragged for everyone…and yet I’m letting one of the most important people slip away.
I’m struggling. In general. But sometimes I wonder if there’s a small part of me that puts up a wall between my sister and I. Not intentionally…and this is only coming from me over analyzing myself…but I wonder. See…my sister has become what I used to be to my father’s side of the family. Something that I’ve realized more and more lately.
Quick explanation…I used to be the golden child. I was my father’s “pride and joy” and therefore my grandmother’s as well. There are pictures of me in poofy dresses at fancy dinners next to my grandmother. I have old cards, emails, and endless pictures. I was absolutely adored…could really do no wrong. I was destined for this amazing future. And then I cut my father out of my life. Things changed. For my own protection (not to mention sanity) I got away from him.
Suddenly…I wasn’t that golden child. If anything…I was this horrible person. I was surely going to ruin my life…I was clearly a disturbed human being that was selfish and would “use” people to get ahead. Who knows all the things my father put in people’s heads about me…but at one point he was telling them I was a drug addict and a stripper.
Connection being…my sister has taken that place. No…she’s never had contact with our father…but that also means she never really had the chance to cut him out of her life. She wasn’t really old enough to make that decision in the way that I did before he did. So to my grandmother…she has become the granddaughter she always wanted. Smart, beautiful, and not nearly as evil as her big sister is.
I don’t want that to bother me. Who am I to be jealous of something like that…and why do I let it get in my head as much as it does? I have no idea. I certainly wish it didn’t.
I’m all over the place. Thanks to no sleep yet again I suppose.