I saw a post today on Facebook about someone in a certain profession that was “tired”. And it got me thinking about how “tired” I am of some things. Thought it belonged on this blog because this is the blog where I address my deepest issues. So here we go. Probably sharing too much…but I’ve been home alone for 3 hours, and on my second glass of wine.
I’m a daughter. I’m a daughter that has lost a parent. And I’m tired of being told that it’s time to stop grieving. I’m tired of being told that I need to “move on” from all of the things that happened between my father and I. I’m tired of not seeing my mom enough, and living so far away from her. I’m tired of dealing with the daily struggle of being the daughter of a drug addict, that never got closure from it all. I’m tired of stereotypes.
I’m a mother. I’m tired of being told that I’m not a mother because I don’t have a child here with me. I’m tired of being told that people understand and that one day I’ll be able to have a child. I’m tired of seeing people who don’t deserve their children…able to have multiple…even though they ignore them and don’t care about them.
I’m a student. I’m tired of busting my ass constantly to keep grades up, while trying to take care of everything else in my life. I’m tired of teachers giving me a hard time because I took a full load of classes while working full time. I’m sick of being told I “can’t do it” and I’m sick of people thinking I’ll never graduate. I’m tired of the idea that I have to have a 4+ year degree to be successful in my field, when my life experience far outweighs anything I could learn in a classroom.
I’m a bartender. I’m tired of being on my feet for 8-10 hours a day…and dealing with people who are just plain rude. I’m tired of customers coming in, being extremely rude, and then not tipping no matter how good the service was. I’m tired of people assuming that I’ll never get anywhere in life if I’m bartending.
I have a degree. I’m tired of it not being “good enough” for certain jobs. See “I’m a student” above.
I want to help people that can’t help themselves. I’m tired of being told that it’s a thankless job, and people thinking I’m naïve for wanting to do it. I’m tired of hearing how many people “can’t be helped” and I’ll just be wasting my time. I’m tired of being told that I’m “too close” to the job to be involved and successful with patients.
I live alone. I’m tired of killing spiders, not being able to move heavy objects, and having to do everything myself. I’m tired of little noises at night scaring the HELL out of me, and I’m tired of running back and forth between my house, work, school, the bank, the grocery store, and the gas station. I’m tired of fixing my car on my own, not having anyone to dry the dishes as I wash them, and I’m tired of getting up twice every night to let the dog out.
I’m the girlfriend of a man who is thousands of miles away. I’m tired of being called a slut, and people assuming that every guy friend of mine, is someone I’m hooking up with. I’m tired of rumors being started about all the horrible things I’m supposedly doing while he’s gone, and I’m tired of being called a gold digger.
I’m divorced. I’m tired of people seeing it as a reason to look down on me. I’m tired of being considered a failure, and I’m tired of hearing “I told you so.” I’m tired of people seeing it as just something else that “damaged” me. I’m tired of people assuming I did something to end the marriage, or thinking that I’m a bitch because I chose to leave my husband. I’m tired of hearing how my current relationship won’t last because I’m newly divorced.
I’m a sister. I’m tired of not having enough time for my siblings, and I hate that even though I wish there wasn’t…there’s too much distance between some of us. I’m tired of deep seated sibling rivalry, and the fact that some of my family members like to play favorites to try and upset me. I’m tired of trying to explain to others the relationship between me and the rest of the kids.
Now in typically Katt form…since I can’t bring myself to spend an entire post complaining about everything in my life…without wanting to contradict myself…let’s revisit each of those things:
I’m a daughter. Of an amazingly strong woman, who taught me how to push through things in life when all you want to do is give up. A woman who would be there for me any second if I needed it, and will always have my back. She is a woman that has pushed and pushed for me to be a better person. She has disagreed with my decisions, but then supported me whether or not it worked out. She has taught me that nothing in this world is “too hard” and she has provided me a family that is nurturing and protective. She has taught me independence, true inner strength, and the joys of little things like rollerblading in the park. She gave me the childhood that my father took away…complete with pancakes in the shapes of “K” and rainy day boxes for entertainment. I am the daughter of a man who although he was sick…gave me a future. Gave me a career choice that I never would have known existed. And he too taught me (in a different way) how to be independent…and that life is really beautiful once you push past all the bullshit. He taught me the beauty in sunsets, and the overall relaxed feeling of sitting on a boat in the middle of the lake. I am a rounded individual BECAUSE I am a daughter.
I’m a mother. I may not have children to hold at night, and I may not have had the chance to teach them all of the things my parents taught me. But…I have angel babies that watch over me every day. I have a deeper understanding of the pain involved in being a parent, and not getting what you want when it comes to your children. I have a deeper urge to someday be a parent…and I hope that I can provide an amazing life to children whose biological parents couldn’t do the same. I will be that much more thankful for those kids, and that much more dedicated to giving them everything I couldn’t give my angel babies.
I’m a student. I work hard every day to maintain high grades, and get where I need in life. I’m lucky to live somewhere that I can go to school to better myself. My degree will one day lead to being able to do whatever I want, and provide a good life for my future family. I am thankful to have a program that allows me to get a good degree from a good school…while only paying for community college tuition.
I’m a bartender. I get paid to have fun. I have an awesome boss (well now that I’ve changed to my new job). I know that I’ll make enough money to support myself working 5 days a week, I have my 2 days a week off for school, and I get paid more the better I learn to connect with people and make them happy. I have some customers that like me enough to follow me to wherever I decide to work, and it’s a job I know that I’m good at. I am thankful for better hours, better pay, and better management at my new job.
I have a degree. It has given me a few opportunities in life that many people wouldn’t have had at my age. I didn’t have to pay for my first two years of college…and won’t be dealing with those student loans for years to come. I took advantage of a program that allowed me to challenge myself at 16…walking away with a college degree at 18…and no debt.
I want to help people who can’t help themselves. I have a deeper connection with people…and empathy. I can’t let my experiences in life go unnoticed and I refuse to not use them to benefit others. There’s a reason I faced all I did. The money doesn’t matter, the hours don’t matter, the thankfulness or lack thereof doesn’t matter either. It’s about using bad experiences for good…something that if more people adhered to it…there would be less conflict in the world.
I live alone. All seriousness aside…I can walk around in my underwear all day if I feel the need to. I can make my house just the way I want it, and will learn to better manage my time as it goes by. I have 3 bedrooms, and 3 furbabies who love the crap out of me. I’ll never be truly alone in life…so being able to come home and relax in the quiet to some James Taylor…is sometimes just what I need.
I’m the girlfriend of a man thousands of miles away. I have love that will branch those miles. I have an amazing man who blows my mind every day with how amazing, caring, and loving he is. In ways I feel like he’s too good to me, and I wonder when the other shoe is going to drop because he makes me so incredibly happy. I have something to be excited about…ALL the time. Even if it’s going to be a long week at work or school…I just have to remind myself…”only ___ days until Nick comes home!” And then I get excited all over again. I’m lucky to have anyone at all…let alone someone who really complements everything in my life. He’s not my other half…because I believe people should be whole on their own in order to truly be with someone else. But he’s my “manhancer”. The man that enhances everything about me.
I’m divorced. I have loved fully and deeply already. I have learned that sometimes when you take chances…big chances…it doesn’t work out. I have brought myself out of a very low “low” and managed to create an entirely new life. I have learned what love is…and what it isn’t. I found out the hard way that you have to find yourself before you can find true love with someone else. I know that things won’t always be easy, and there are times when you fight…but also times when you collect what you have, and start over in hopes of a better life ahead.
I’m a sister. I have 3 little faces that remind me every day that there is a bigger reason I was my father’s daughter. I have 3 kids that depend on me as a big influence on their life…and as a role model. They keep me on track…and when I want to give up on everything, I have to remind myself that I want them to always fight…and because of that I’m able to find more strength.
That was meant to be a quick post…but yet again the words started flowing faster than I could type. So yea…I’m tired. But that’s what coffee is for J