"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

1 year, 365 days, 52 weeks, 8,765 hours

     In 2 days it's been a year already. This time a year ago I was at my best friend's house watching a football game, when I received a phone call that my father had died. After some digging I found that he hadn't actually died, but he was in bad condition at a hospital in Florida. I spent the next 2 days sitting around on a porch drinking and chain smoking (sorry mom). I was awaiting news to hear that my father had died after a nasty fight with appendicitis and sepsis.

     Those were some of the hardest days of my life. They seemed to last forever, and I remember floating around during them in a total fog. I knew what was happening, but it didn't seem real. I had to tell people around me, and I had to tell my little sister...which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

     I was in a very different place a year ago. My father was in prison, and my mind was all over the place. I was dating the wrong people, and had some friends that weren't really friends. I was crazy, just when I started to get on track, I dropped out of school and started over from square one. I went on a downward spiral after his death. I spent 2 weeks on vacation, and quite frankly did whatever the hell I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. But as crazy as it somehow helped me in the long run.

     The month after his death was rough...some days are still rough. But I got through it. Some days I had to go minute by minute. And other days it didn't seem to phase me. Now it's a year later...and quite frankly, my life is amazing. It's not perfect and I still have a lot of work to do...but it's on the right path. I'm back in school, in a major inspired by my dad...and I know it's the right fit. I have passion behind what I want to do...and I think in the back of my mind, I always knew that it was where I was meant to be. It just took me some time to convince myself of it.

     I found someone who understands me, supports me, and knows all the good and bad about me. We have a house, a family, and plans for the future. I have an amazing family backing...and a mother that stuck by me despite how much of a nightmare I was after my dad's death. I made it through his funeral two months ago, with an amazing man by my side. I learned what members of my family deserved my love, and I also learned to let go of the ones that didn't.

     I have a box of his ashes sitting on my bookshelf next to his picture and a honeysuckle candle. I will spread them this weekend with my mom by my side, in one of my dad's favorite places. We are headed to Put In Bay for the weekend, and I know exactly where I want to take him to spend eternity. There was a back road that lead to a beach formed completely out of mussel shells. We found it on accident one day, probably 15 years ago. There was nothing around except some ruins of some old houses, and lots of grass where he let me drive around the golf cart. It was beautiful, and a hidden spot where I don't have any negative memories with my dad. We loved that spot...and I'm hoping I can still find it so many years later. I will spread his ashes a place that he loved, and a place that will always bring good memories.

     It's been a year. And I finally have my closure...I finally have my peace. There is a lot to still write about. Stories to tell, and confessions to make. There is still a lot of healing that needs to happen. But I'm finally in a place where I can do that healing...and feel safe while I'm doing it.