"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Yes all people

So yesterday's post sparked some irritation, as guns are SO DANGEROUS. Oh my God guns kill people!!! "Why would you encourage young girls to experiment with guns?" "What kind of role model is this chick?" Blah blah blah.

First off, I didn't encourage ANYONE to EXPERIMENT with guns. If anything, I'm pretty sure I made it clear that using my gun is something only to be done in practice (in a safe, controlled, range environment), or in self defense. As for young girls...I 100% encourage them to LEARN how to shoot. Learn how to work a gun, how it functions, how it feels...learn about their reactions as well. You don't HAVE to have one down the road...but know how to use it.

However, that isn't what I wanted to talk about today. I did enough of making people mad with it yesterday. Today's topic is spawned from the "druggings" (I don't know what else to call them) in the island town near us...Put in Bay.

I LOVE Put in Bay. It's a blast, and a pretty big party scene on the weekends. It's a vacation that's essentially "right down the street". However as someone who has also taken a family vacation to the island, and spent a lot of time there as a child...I in no way find it dangerous. Lately, there have been a lot of reports of girls being drugged and raped while vacationing there. Which of course has just encouraged this whole #yesallwomen nonsense.

(I'd bet good money right now that like 20 readers read that last sentence and their faces started boiling).

You heard me right. I think the #yesallwomen stuff is nonsense. It goes to another point I made not long ago that we are raising a society of victims. And to another point I make all the time. Guess what...PEOPLE SUCK.

I'm all for women standing up for themselves. And in a perfect world, druggings, rapes, violence, war, abuse, wouldn't happen. But this is not a perfect world, and no amount of perfectly placed hashtags are going to change that. I get the point of the movement. That instead of teaching our daughters to watch their drinks...let's teach our sons not to drug or rape women. I THINK THAT'S FANTASTIC. However, there are still going to be bad seeds.

My grandmother certainly didn't teach my father to be an arsonist or an abusive psychopath...but well...he was. And other grandmother taught my mother as a child to be a strong woman and to protect herself and make smart choices. So when she was put in a situation where she wasn't safe, she did something about it. She didn't cry to everyone else about how horrible life was, and "poor her". She refused to be a victim. She taught me not to be a victim.

So yes, let's continue to encourage men to be good people. Let's also encourage our daughter's to be smart. Guys- knock it off. Stop trying to hurt women. Girls- watch your drinks. Don't get wasted, keep your wit's about you, and if something doesn't feel help. And vice versa!

But here's my bigger issue. This whole movement promotes women to be victims. "We shouldn't have to watch our drinks"...well I shouldn't have to pay taxes so lazy people can live off of the government...but um...I do don't I? Life is hard people...get a helmet. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe.

As for the men...for the love of heaven, can we PLEASE stop criminalizing the guys?! Yes, there are a lot of trash bags, liars, cheaters, etc. I know...I dated most of them. However, there are a lot of those same girls! It just doesn't show as much because "girls are delicate flowers who are always right...blah blah blah". And I know there are a lot of those girls...because I USED TO BE ONE. I dated some nice guys, that I treated like crap. I was insecure, immature, and a brat. It took a good guy to help open my eyes that I was treating people like crap because of MY issues.

I know I've left thoughts out, but I'm scatterbrained on account of too much coffee and not enough sleep last night. Just for good measure here's a picture for my idea of a movement #yesallpeople.

Why? Because we're both people. He's too busy being Superman to be a criminal. And I'm too busy being a badass to be a victim.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

A restraining order is just a piece of paper

This post is coming from an inner strength I've found in myself recently. Occasionally I fall into this "I can't do it anymore" mentality and I get overwhelmed and crazy frustrated. I get jumpy, nervous, and I worry about every little thing that can go wrong. Especially when Nick is working nights. I don't sleep well, and that just compounds the nervousness as the insomnia gets worse and worse.

But there is something that makes me feel better. And you can take this post however you want to, as I'm sure many will get mad about it.
The range is my outlet. I have control over everything that happens as I stand there. I have control over my breathing, I have control over my aim, and over how the gun behaves. It will not do anything without me making it. 

It takes discipline, it takes focus, and it takes confidence. I find a sense of pride in my accuracy getting better and my ability to move faster with that accuracy.

A large part of my anxiety that has developed over the years is from not feeling safe for a very long time. As long as my father was alive, I was in danger. It's that simple. Whether he lived here, in Florida, or was off the radar...I was in danger. Every time I saw a black Galant, my heart would sink just a bit and I would watch to see if it was following me. Every time I saw a man in the distance, I studied his facial expressions to make sure it wasn't my father reappearing. 

When I lived in his house, I had no defense. I slept with a frying pan under my pillow some nights. I made plans of how to get around him fast enough to get to the kitchen and to get a knife if I had to. My only defense was my ability to move faster, and think smarter. As I grew older and was out of his house, I had pepper spray and a restraining order. That paper went everywhere with me, and I kept the pepper spray and a tape recorder ready at all times. If something happened I would create a distraction, flip the tape, and call the police. But during all of this I was at the hands of others. I depended on the police to respond quickly, and take the correct action (which trust me, they NEVER did). 

I am no longer at anyone's mercy. And that feels good. Better than I can even put into words. I would (obviously) never hurt anyone in an offensive way. I would never get myself into a position where that gun could cause harm to other people...unless it's a matter of my life. 

But for life is in my hands. I don't anticipate ever having to defend myself in that way...but if I do, I feel the utmost confidence in my ability to do so under pressure. 

I am a strong woman. Mentally and physically. I will not let the actions of others make me feel inferior or unsafe ever again. 

"Teach your daughter's to shoot...a restraining order is just a piece of paper."

Thursday, July 17, 2014

For those bounce back kids

Saw this today and it gave me some hope for the future generations. People don't pay enough attention to keeping kids safe physically let alone mentally.

Ever meet a child who is "sick" all the time, exhausted, "clumsy"? The child in class that always wants to go to the nurse for stomachaches may not be faking it or trying to get out of class. The fact is school may be their one safe place...and those stomach pains could be stress manifesting itself in a dangerous way.

This book is great...makes me so happy to see.

From one "Bounce Back kid" to hopefully more out there...let's get more active to stop the crap kids are facing. No child should EVER have to "bounce back" from this shit.

Friday, July 11, 2014

I need YOU

So here's the deal. I have an idea. A really big idea. It could go nowhere, but it could also do really big things for a lot of people. But I'm going to need help.

I can't give much information. It's all in the beginning stages, and I don't really have any details to give out. Keep reading and see if you match the description for what I'm looking for.


*From all walks of life...white, black, yellow, green, purple. Male, female. Straight, gay. Just preferably someone human.

*Who has been through something that is hard to deal with. I know we all have struggles, but I'm looking for something "unusual". And please no one take offense to me saying that. I don't downplay ANYONE'S struggles...but for this particular project I need to kind of "blow the lid off" of major traumatic events. I'm talking abuse, rape, an attack of some sort...or anything that falls in that category. However this may also include someone struggling with a ***diagnosed*** mental disorder. Depression, anxiety, whatever it may be.

*Is willing to be public about their situation. Must be willing to answer hard questions, get incredibly open about specifics, and handle criticism. It may not always be an easy ride, but if someone quits on me halfway could ruin the entire project. This will NOT be an anonymous venture.

*Someone that trusts me. Know that I will never share personal information without FULL consent. I'm a locked safe of information...until given the permission to use it.

I know this sounds incredibly vague, and is probably confusing. But if you're willing to talk about the struggles you've faced...I need your help.

Please know, if you want to share a story with me...and would like to remain anonymous until you get more information...that's fine too. Also, know that you can't shock me. My opinion will not change with the information you give me. I don't judge...and if anything I get a huge sense of pride for the people that tell their stories. Email me at I'll check it daily to get an idea of what I'm working with.

I want to change lives people! And the only way to do that is with backup. Show your strength and tell me your stories.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


I'm on a writing binge. I don't know why...but I suddenly have so many things that I want to talk about...and feel the need to get out faster than my fingers can type. There is one specific topic on my mind right now...and it's depression.

This is always hard for me to admit, because I pride myself in being as strong as humanly possible. Even when it's unlikely. But I'm fighting depression like all hell lately. It's an inner battle that no one can see, and probably doesn't notice. Typically, I'd go on medication for awhile until it was under control...and then slowly take myself off it. But the last time I decided that I was done, and just stopped taking it. That was almost two and a half years ago...and I've loved not having to depend on medication to keep me going.

That being said...depression does this strange thing where it comes in and out for seemingly no reason at all. My life is better right now than it has been in years. Nick is home safely, we have a beautiful home, wonderful jobs, I'm finally bonding with his daughter...we've spent the last two weeks traveling...things are really amazing. Yet, there is an ache in my chest lately that I can't shake off. There are some things going on...and a lot of changes have taken place...but essentially there is no "reason" for these feelings.

Luckily I've learned how to fight it all. I've learned how to shut certain feelings out, and process them only when I have the time to. It doesn't affect my relationships because I refuse to let it. But it gets harder every day to function. My sleep starts to be affected...and I have to say I haven't slept more than an hour or two for the last two nights.

Little things get overwhelming easily. Small sad things...physically hurt. It's hard to explain what I mean by that...but it's a mental and physical ache that is exhausting to deal with. You feel completely alone, when you're not at all. There are moments where all you want is someone to be there...but at the same second you want to push everyone away completely because you feel stronger on your own.

It doesn't make a damn bit of sense most of the time. It makes you feel like less of a person, or like you're being overly sensitive to stupid things. But it's not something that you can make disappear. It's frustrating when everything around you is amazing, but you're crying yourself to sleep at night over nothing.

I'm trying to make changes in my life right now. Some that are insanely difficult, and involve people that have been around longer than most. But they are changes that I have to make for my sanity. I can't be taking care of other people anymore. I just can't do it. My energy level isn't there, and I can't let my relationships with others make my life harder. It's hard enough to begin with.

I'm also trying to find some faith in little things. My boss is not one that gives out compliments often...and lately he's been giving me a lot of compliments and thanking me (which not something he does). He walked into my office today and asked if I would have some things done for him by tomorrow because he was leaving...and before I could answer, he answered for me. His response "Wait of course you haven't dropped the ball yet!" And then he told me to have a good night, and to leave whenever I felt I was ready.

I'm so blessed. Even with the crappy things in life, I'm blessed beyond compare. I've seen some things that no one should. I've experienced situations that changed my life, and will continue to influence me for the rest of my days. This depression and anxiety is one of them.

It doesn't make me less of a person. It doesn't make me less capable of handling things. It doesn't mean that anyone needs to walk on eggshells or try and "protect" me...actually for the love of my sanity please don't. Part of my ability to fight this is the power I get from pushing through issues and taking care of myself. I work better under pressure.

However, I do need understanding sometimes. There are moments where getting out of bed is a fight, and where not letting little things get to me is nearly impossible. I need people to educate themselves on depression. Not just for me...but because 1 out of every 5 young adults right now is fighting depression. So look around at your friends. Pick 4 of them. If it's not you...there's a good chance one of them is fighting it.

Be patient. Be kind. Love on people all the time. Back off if they ask you to.


Monday, July 7, 2014

Not a victim doesn't equal never hurt

I don't know how to go about this post. I just got done posting about not being a victim, and fighting through the hard times in life. But sometimes...people just know how to tear you apart. They literally know how to hurt you deeply, and it doesn't bother them to do so. They attack you for the things that my case, your father and the children that you've lost. And damn hurts more than words can say.

You can rise above it. You can ignore it to the best of your ability. You can fight like hell to keep your head above water and not let shitty people hurt you. You can choose to NOT be a victim. But break. Sometimes it hurts so effing bad that you don't know how to function...let alone fight against it.

I'm in a situation right now that sucks. There's no better way to put it. As someone that'd think I could express myself better. But I can't right now. It's just horrible. I'm being blamed for a decision I made. A decision I had to make to protect myself...and for that matter my family. I had to end a friendship based on decisions someone else made. And it was is horrible. There is someone that has been attacking me for 7 years now. I don't understand it now, and I probably never will. Someone that just feels the need to stoop as low as possible, and attack me for things they know will hurt me. Things like my previous marriage, my father, and the loss of my children.

I get being immature and saying things you don't mean. I understand flipping out and words coming out faster than you can control. But there are also people who are just cruel...and don't care how they hurt others. These people are twisted...hell my father was one of them. And right now...I'm dealing with another one. This person has been intent on not only upsetting me, but ruining parts of my life. And this person has accomplished almost everything they've set out on accomplishing.

Now I'm being harassed. Messages and texts from people I used to consider family saying how terrible I am...because they have no idea of the entire story. And that sucks. I have tried to defend myself. For entirely too long...and I'm past the point of being able to do it anymore. Which automatically means this is my fault. I'm the one that doesn't care, and I'm the one who is hurting other people. It doesn't matter that I effectively haven't slept in two days, and have cried every day for a week over something that I had to do.

I'm usually the girl that tries to take the high road. That tries to ignore shitty people. But sometimes not being the victim, and not attacking other people...also means that you hit a breaking point. You hit the point where you can no longer fight a fight that you are outnumbered in. I learned that 10 years ago, and I seem to be learning it all over again. But it doesn't hurt any less the second time around.

In fact, it might be worse.

It can always get better

I never post anymore...and when I do it seems to be less and less often as time goes by. I used to be posting every few days, at least every few weeks. Now I'm lucky if it's once a month. I can't decide why. I would like to think that it's because my father isn't on my mind very often...and I don't have the need to talk about things. But I know that's not the truth. My father is on my mind every day...but true to form I start pushing thoughts of him away as soon as they surface.

Sometimes it all feels like a dream. The jail time, the things he did...things I went through when I was younger. It feels like some strange movie that I watched and now try to block out. Sometimes it comes through loud and clear...and I can physically feel being shoved around or hurt. I will panic as though I'm in intense danger right in that moment. But I'm not. I'm fine now...I'm safe...he's dead.

And sometimes I feel this crazy guilt. I used to wish my father dead. I thought that him being gone would mean I would finally be safe and would have closure. In a way...I was right. With him gone I am safe, but there certainly isn't the amount of closure I was hoping for. I know how terrible that sounds...but it's simply the truth.

It's strange, when the topic of my father comes up I spit all sorts of information out without even thinking about it. I can openly (and maybe too easily admit) that my father was a diagnosed psychopath that admitted to setting his girlfriend's house on fire because he wanted to kill her. He threatened to kill me multiple times. He abused all of the women in his life, including his small children. He was an insanely sick and human being.

But because of him...I know how to NOT be a victim. I guess that's where this is all coming from. I was at a USMC reunion this weekend with Nick, and there were so many men there that went through hell. They went through scary situations, they lost their friends...and yet the ones that I met...don't act like victims. They lost body parts, they have physical and mental scars that may never go away. But they don't sit and feel sorry for themselves. They celebrate life. They celebrate each other, and honor those that are no longer with us.

They aren't victims, I'm not a victim...and I think more people need to live their life in that way. Being victimized does not make you a victim. You choose what it makes you. Victim or survivor.

Life sucks sometimes. There's no better way to put it. People hurt you, and situations get out of control. But things can also always get better. Maybe that's why I don't post much...because things are better. And they will continue to get better.