"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

From gremlins and strip clubs to serenity and wisdom

Today is a big day...for multiple reasons. I had this whole post planned because this is officially the 100th post for the blog! I had thoughts for dramatic stories, and life experiences. At least until I realized what else today is.

Today is the day my little sister starts (well started already) high school. My baby sister...started high school. That sounds so strange to say. To me she is still stuck permanently at 5. Drawing on my face and trying to kiss my old boyfriends.

I worry a lot about her, and get stressed because I never get to see her. The reality of it is we are a decade apart...and in two very different stages in life. I am raising a family, going to school myself, working full time...and she is a normal teenager. She's in marching band, baton, and a very busy kid. Things never seem to line up and it's frustrating. Makes me feel terrible.

But the fact is I worry. I worry about so many things...from that she will be me at that age...or that she won't. That probably didn't make sense. Part of me wants her to be me...the stubborn-school-oriented girl that took college classes still in high school. I want her to succeed and be able to stand up for herself. At the same time, I want her to have more confidence and more social awareness than I did. I want her to have friends, but not fall into the wrong crowd.

The biggest I want her to be smart about the issues that come along with your father being an idiot. When there is no dad, or there was a bad one...young girls tend to lose it. They fight for male attention...from anyone that will give it to them. And when you're in a high school like the one she is in (that I also went to)...that attention is readily available.'s a big day. My little sister is starting high school. The beginning of a new era for her. Meanwhile this blog hits 100 posts, after being up for almost 3 years already (whoa).

Other big things are on the horizon too. I'm coming close to graduation, the second anniversary of my father's death is next's crazy how quickly time passes.

So no huge post for today. Just the realization that my baby sister isn't a baby anymore...and that I've come a very long way since she was.

Here's a little recap of my favorite (and your favorite) posts from the last 3 years.

1. I have a Percocet problem- where I discuss my massive issues with Percocet. You'll understand more if you read it. "They are DYING left and right...dropping like flies..." 

2. RIP Daddy- gut wrenching to reread...even to this day. "All I could see was him handcuffed to a hospital bed...with no one there but a prison guard..."

3. The four hardest words I've ever had to say- coming to the realization that it was a matter of hours until my father died...and being halfway across the country and unable to stop it. "I'm sad I haven't gotten a chance to say goodbye..."

4. A restraining order is just a piece of paper- because no one will ever make me feel unsafe in my own home again. "My only defense was my ability to move faster and think smarter..."

5. Drugs and strip clubs- I use the shock factor to my won't be disappointed. "I instantly called him and screamed..."

6. You hit rock bottom and all they give you is a jackhammer- so lots of song lyrics in this one which you can kind of scroll through...but the title is funny...and it has some good points. "Most times there's only so much you can do to change your all lies in the cards you were dealt. You have options...face it or avoid it..."

7. Eyewitness to a miracle- this day and experience came right when I was hitting my breaking point...and it still brings tears to my eyes to think about it. "He hugged me again because at this point my eyes were filling with tears right along with his..."

8. I'm Kat...and I'm a recovering addict- it's not what you think it is. That's all. "Just as they are responsible for their own lives and their own actions, only you are responsible for yours.."

9. The last time- the irony in this post is what makes it so good. When I wrote it I had no idea my father was in the hospital. He died a few days later, and little did I know while typing that it really would be the last time. "I've learned that one of the hardest things in life is watching someone you love self destruct and not being able to do anything about it. But maybe the harder part comes in realizing that you can't do anything to help."

10. Gremlins, knives, and government spies- because you have to end on a title like that. "Tiny little beings that would hide in the vents and watch him..."

And one other kind of recap. Then and's amazing how far life has come.

Same beach. Three years apart. But such a different life...and a beautiful journey to go along with it.

One of my favorite pictures...because the few good things that came from my father...were the 3 littles that call me big sister.

My father...who gave me my blue eyes and love for all things musical. Not to mention the overwhelming inner drive to change lives...starting with my own.

Just for seems my shooting has improved. And because "I'm too busy badass to be a victim."

Learn to harness bad energy, use it for good. Take bad experiences and teach yourself that you can overcome anything...because you can...unless you give up. Prove negative people wrong every day. Prove your inner confidence right.

And always are the only person who can give up on yourself. Don't ever let it happen.

100 posts, 3 years, a marriage, a divorce, miscarriages, a restraining order, an arrest, prison, and a death. Yet somewhere while almost 25,000 people watched (read)...I made mistakes and learned lessons. I found a much better life. So here's to another 3 years, and another 100 posts...thanks for hanging in there with me!

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