There is a post out right now "To My Ex-Best Friend On Her Wedding Day" that is really hitting home for me at the moment. I recently "broke up" (because I don't know what else to call it) with someone I'd been friends with for close to 10 years. We went through everything together. The death of both of our fathers, my marriage and divorce, multiple boyfriends, we even lived together for awhile.
She's getting married in two weeks...and I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be part of the wedding. But again for lack of a better term, we "broke up". We've fought before. Many times actually. And many really ugly fights later...we worked it out. We put aside differences, or one of us would need the other and all would be essentially forgotten.
But not this time. This time there is no fixing the problem, there is no turning it around...it's just done. We have very different lives, very different views on people and the world. We've grown apart...and it got really ugly in the end. Horrible things have been said, and there's no going back. I lost not only a friend, but pretty much a sister.
It isn't something that you get over. Even when your spouting nasty words, and saying that you don't care...it's not true. Even when I had to break both of our hearts by dropping out of her wedding...it wasn't easy. It wasn't a decision that was taken lightly, or a decision that I was even sure of. I knew it had to be done, but it took gut wrenching messages and a lot of tears to follow through with it. Honestly, it's no one's business what happened but ours...and in ways we're both at fault...but it doesn't change how hard it is. I have doubted it many times since we stopped speaking...and as the day gets closer it seems to weigh heavier on my mind.
So here's my version...and it's a bit different than the original blogger. I won't be at my best friend's wedding, and I have to learn to be okay with that.
To my ex-best friend on her wedding day-
You hate me right now, and that's okay. I'm not a big fan of you either. We've fought like cats and dogs throughout the years...but only because we were more siblings than friends. We weren't supposed to get along all the time...and we sure as hell had some doozies. But we always fixed it.
We both know this time it can't be fixed. Nothing can take away the things that have been said, and nothing will change that I won't be there for your big day. But I'll be thinking about you. I'll be praying that you see all of the beautiful positives of the day, and not think about those who won't be there with you.
Days after when all the pictures start surfacing and when everyone's talking about how gorgeous you were...I'll be really sad. I'll think about how I wasn't there to fix your veil, or slip you a sip of wine in the back room when you got super nervous.
I imagine the sadness will get easier, and years from now when we see pictures of the last 9 years we will just smile and tell stories of the goofy friend we had in high school. On Father's Day I'll always miss my partner in misery. But it'll get easier...and won't actually ache when we think about the friend we had who became family.
I want the best for you, and for your future husband. I look forward to years from now seeing you at a reunion and seeing pictures of your beautiful family. I hope you two accomplish everything you've set out to accomplish...and I hope you always have a support system to back you up.
For all the things that have been going wrong in the last few months...I hope it all gets better. Clearly I'm not going to talk about it all...but you know what I mean. I'm sure things will calm down, and you will find a family balance that works for all of you.
I hope your day is beautiful. In every way. I hope the same for the rest of your life.
But lastly...please know that I'm sorry. I stand by my choices, as you stand by yours...but I'm sorry we couldn't find middle ground. I'm sorry if I hurt you, and I'm sorry if I said things that I shouldn't have.
Happy almost wedding day to my best friend of almost a decade.
PS- that almost word...sucks.