I'm a bad blogger. Seriously...I go on posting binges and then don't post anything for months.
Anyways, big things have happened since I last posted...as per usual. The biggest thing was the anniversary of my father's death about a week ago. On its own, it's already a difficult day...but this year I finally got the courage for it to be something more.
I have been holding onto my father's ashes for a long time. Over a year actually. And I haven't been able to strike up the courage to do anything about it. There has been a box sitting in my house that contained my father...and it brought mixed emotions. Sometimes on a bad day I would see it and be angry. A few times I contemplated just "getting rid" of it (and therefore him). Other days I couldn't imagine ever finally letting him go. Anyone else sensing a bit of unresolved anger/ separation anxiety?
A few times I planned a specific time that I would do it. I went out of my way to set aside time, and take the box to a special place. And then I would chicken out like nobody's business. Back in the car the box would go, and I would take him back home and put him on a shelf. A day later I would feel ashamed at my inability to confront the situation.
On the two year anniversary of his death...I planned to do it again. I was going to go to a waterfall he showed me as a kid, and finally let him go. Sure enough the day came, my girlfriend came over to go with me...and I contently sat on the couch avoiding the topic. It wasn't until she got up, said "get ready we're going"...that I actually realized it was something I had to do.
We drove out there, hiked to the falls, and I sat down on the rocks and just started thinking. I expected tears. I expected anxiety. But yet there really wasn't any. I was calm...in almost an eerie way. I got up, took the box, and waded into the water. I tossed his ashes into the water and watched them disappear into the air and down the river.
I didn't cry. I didn't panic. I just let it go.
I'm thankful for a friend who pushed me knowing I needed it. And I'm grateful God came through to give me the courage.
My father isn't gone, he's still around me. But he's not in my face anymore...and neither is that guilt I put on myself.