Sometimes it's hard to voice how the panic feels. It's random and exhausting. Occasionally it happens in the car, because I see something that reminds me of my father. Black Mitsubishi Gallants from the early 2000's for instance. Other times it shows up in the middle of a conference call, or in the middle of a test. Those are my favorite (please note the sarcasm). When I'm trying to function in a higher stress situation, and my entire body decides to overwhelm itself all at once.
It really is strange to me, given that my life is better now that it ever has been. I have this amazing man by my side, a beautiful home, a little girl that means the world to me, an education, a good job, and opportunities all over the place.
But it's strange. Lately I've noticed my exhaustion levels being a lot higher, my stress getting overwhelming faster than it usually does, my body getting sick a lot...I'm clearly not taking care of myself like I should be.
I need to focus on taking time for myself. Whether it be to write, or to spend time confronting my issues. The more I try to put them aside and ignore them...the more they're going to manifest themselves in ways that make everything worse. Which is clearly what they're currently doing.
I don't want to be "that girl" who spends excessive amounts of time having to calm herself down because something stupid set off the flashbacks or nightmares. I don't want to be the girl that people walk on eggshells around because she gets upset too easily. I don't want to be the girl who has to walk out of the room when her friends dance with their dads at their weddings. But for now I am that girl. I hope that one day I'll cope a little better, and that maybe my nerves won't be quite as raw as they are now.
Two of my girlfriends and I have a group chat, and we were talking the other day during one of my freak-outs. I was worried about bills, about hours in the day, about getting a new job, about losing weight, about my grades, about my relationships...basically I was worried about everything I could possibly worry about. I was talking about getting a second job to try and supplement some income, when my friends finally yelled at me. And I have to say...the "quiet one" out of the three of us...really let me have it.
I'm doing it again. I'm putting everything on myself, and making myself crazy. I'm not sleeping, I'm not taking care of myself (as stated above), and I'm creating this fake deadline where I have to make everything work at all times.
I expect myself to be perfect. When no one else does.
I make myself think that I'm responsible for everything in this household and in our lives...when in reality I have a partner that sleeps next to me at night. I have an amazing man that is not only willing to help me...but wants to help me. He wants to be my backup and wants to help me build this life.
I need to listen to my friends. I need to listen to my inner self saying SLOW DOWN and get a grip.
Because the fact is...
I don't have to be perfect damn it.