Today I was compared to my father.
And let's be honest. I lost my mind. I was so consumed with anger, hurt, and frustration that I completely lost my shit. Excuse my language...but I mean I truly lost it. To a point that I usually don't lose it. I have been dealing with a lot, and have been massively struggling to keep my head above water. But this weekend was the first time that I was able to kind of relax. To truly take a second and be proud of myself.
And then this morning all hell broke loose.
I called my mother, crying my eyes out because I didn't know how to handle a situation that was thrown at me. I was almost to the point of hysterics because I was being compared to my father...and the thought of that made me physically ill. It took a second sound mind to remind me that people suck...and sometimes you have to just let them suck. We can't control them.
It's funny, because Nick and I were having a conversation about a month ago with his daughter. She was having a hard time with bullies at school...and she didn't know how to make them stop. She was upset that people would target her and make her feel bad. So we taught her what we were taught...to take the power away from them. When you stop reacting...bullies lose their ability to control you...they lose their power.
So back to before...I was compared to my father. Given a situation...someone thought it was appropriate to say just how like him I was...but also how sad they were for me because it "wasn't my fault" as I had had to live with him and be influenced by him.
But after a few hours of thinking about it...processing it...and calming down...I realized something.
They were right.
Dead on actually.
I am my father.
I am stubborn. I am determined. I love hard. I have gorgeous blue eyes that sparkle when I get stressed or upset about something. I am sometimes short tempered (see the freak out comment above). I love music...more than is probably normal. (Although that may be pure genetics...as after spending some time with my brother this weekend...I've discovered that he too dances in the grocery store).
I am passionate. I am sometimes way too emotional. I love the outdoors and animals. Sunsets and James Taylor can calm me down in almost any situation. I want people to come to me with their problems, and I put just as much into my friends as I do my family.
But the way that I'm most like my father?
I'm not effing perfect.
I am not financially rich. But I am rich in love and happiness. I'm not completely mentally stable all the time. But I am trying my best to be the best person I can be. I have secrets that I keep to myself. But I do my best to be as genuine as possible.
Sometimes I miss my dad.
But I know I am surrounded by amazing people who love me more than life.
I came home today in tears...and overwhelmed beyond belief. But as I sit here and look around this beautiful house...and over at the man working hard on his degree at the table...my angry tears are replaced with truly happy ones.
I got really mad at my father today. After all, the craziness in my life all stems from him. The uncertainty, the true stress, it all comes from the things he chose to do. But being completely honest here...now that I have calmed down...I'm truly thankful it all happened.
Because I am like my father. But at the same time I'm not at all.
Damn it...I love harder than he was capable of. I worry more about everyone else than I do myself...to a fault. I bust my ass to the point of making myself completely insane. I stress over little things...that don't deserve my time. I love on those who love on me...as much as I can. I cling to those same people...and try to build them up...because it makes me feel good to see them happy.
And because of that I have true friendships that have spanned a lifetime. An amazing relationship with Superman...and a family who never makes me question if they are proud. I know in the back of my mind that my father finally has peace...and that is proud of the woman I have become, and the mother I am trying to be.
And one other thing. I have a mother who builds me up when I need it. And reminds me of one very simple and very good point:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
This weekend was huge for me (see the next post)...and no one...I repeat NO ONE will ever be able to take that away from me.