"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Thursday, February 26, 2015

I'm glad my parents got divorced

I know that someone is going to get all mad about this post and take it the wrong let me preface it by saying I am NOT condoning divorce...nor am I encouraging people to give up on marriage.

That being said...

Here's something you don't hear very often: I'm glad my parents got divorced.

Most kids dream for years of their divorced parents getting back together and having that happy little "family". They get a picture in their head of this perfect life...a picture that is essentially unobtainable.

I never have that thought as a kid. Sure, I wanted my mom to fall head over heels for some rich guy that would be my new dad...but I never wanted my parents to get back together. Had my father been a good person, it may have different. As it stands however, I'm amazingly thankful that my mom had the courage and excuse my language...but the "balls" to get the hell out of that marriage.

I got married at 19. Not one of my finer moments in life.

I got married to someone that I wasn't happy with. Someone that lied and cheated for the first 3 years of our relationship. But little miss daddy issues over here was still determined to marry him. Shockingly enough, after about a year and half...the relationship imploded and lead to one very messy divorce.

Here's where my original post comes through. Had I grown up in a situation where my mother had stayed married to a horrible man (and I'm not comparing my ex husband to my father)...I wouldn't have had the strength to walk around from a bad situation. Had I watched my mother put up with unhappiness for my entire life...I would have settled for my own situation.

I wish I could have stayed married...and I wish my parents could have as well. But the reality is that in this society...not every marriage is destined to work. People rush relationships, they settle because they don't think they can ever have better, and they don't use their best judgment.

My parents rushed (my bad), my ex and I rushed...and it ended in disaster.

The night I decided I needed a divorce (I still remember where I was sitting at that moment), I was scared to tell my mother that I had failed at the thing she had disapproved of so vocally. I was terrified of being judged, hearing "I told you so," and of being stereotyped as just another stupid teen (which I was clearly).

I texted her that night and simply asked "when did you know you needed to get divorced?" Honestly, I don't remember her answer. All I remember was her telling me that it was okay, and that it didn't make me less of a person. She made me feel supported and strong...and capable of taking on the world. She unintentionally reassured me that I could truly "start over" clearly she had been able to do it (with a child might I add).

I don't always make good decisions. I'm influenced too often by the scars left from my father. But I'm lucky enough to have an imperfect family. A mom willing to admit defeat and get out of a bad situation. People surrounding me who believe in second chances and forgiveness.

I learned from my mistakes and I watched my mother grow from hers.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Family jackpots, cheeseball jars, and the zombie apocalypse

There have many days that I have gotten uncontrollably angry at the cards that life has dealt me. I have spent hours wondering why the hell the world threw so much crap at me at such a young age. I have blamed everyone...from God to the clerk at the grocery store for how hard my days were. I wondered nonstop why I got such a mess of a family, and why I was shoved into such a volatile situation at my father's house. I couldn't comprehend why authorities wouldn't get me out, and I searched for ways to get myself out of the situations I was in.

But for years I didn't realize something important. 

When it comes down to it...I actually lucked out. 

I spent the last weekend with my mom's side of the family. A group of people who are majorly respected in their day to day lives. Successful businessmen/women, lawyers, entrepreneurs, amazing parents...the whole package. A family that is raising new generations of amazing people. Aunt and uncles who lead by example, cousins who love each other deeply, and grandparents that stay married for 50 years...through a lot of hardship.

A group of people who are just as insane as they are respected.

I smiled harder this weekend than I have in ages. 
I laughed until I cried (quite literally). 

And I was reminded yet again...that despite the craziness of my father...despite the distrust many members of his family have left me with...and despite me taking a long time to realize it...

I hit the family jackpot.

So here's yet another thanks to my mom, my rock, the woman who never gave up on me...for giving me the BEST family in the world.

Oh...and thank you to my family...for reminding me how important cheeseball jars are during the zombie apocalypse. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Care packages

This will be a real quick post as it's something I've been meaning to write up for a few days but keep getting distracted.

In honor of after Valentine's Day sales...I'm going to the store to grab as much candy as I can afford along with cards, and anything else that looks appealing. I'm going to make a new round of care packages to send overseas.

I might have my military man home...but way too many people don't. And there are hundreds more men and women stuck in the middle of a desert that I imagine would enjoy some chocolate.

SO...the point of posting this is to reach the masses as quickly as possible. If you would like to donate things to send, write a letter, sign a card, anything...let me know please. You can email me, contact me here, Facebook, whatever. If you email- use

I'm looking to send them out some time next week...and already have some of the local high schoolers working on getting some letters to include.

Thanks all!

Thursday, February 5, 2015

"Darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream"

I thought the title was appropriate as lately I've been referred to as someone who  "writes like a 15 year old" "with no real problems."

I am a 24 year old girl trying to make her way in this world. 
I am a girl that has fought against a lot of hell and won.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and let shitty people get the best of me. I let negative comments bother me.

But then I remember that the first half of my life was hell because of someone who wanted to make me feel smaller. 

I promised myself early in this blog process that no one would ever make me feel small again.

I am in control of my life, my happiness, and my success.

I have overcome more than you know. I have beat the statistics.

I have succeeded.

And anyone who wants to tear that down...has their own issues that they need to deal with.

I'm chronically depressed. My PTSD keeps me awake at night.

But I'm better off than I could have hoped just 5 years ago. And I will gladly take that...because life gets better every day. 

Some people are a lot better off than I am, and I'm happy for them. Some are a lot worse...and I truly wish there was something I could do to help them.

But all I can currently do is explain that I was once there. I was supposed to grow up addicted to drugs, a mother of 3 at 21, and a high school drop out. I chose to throw those statistics out the window and be the exception to the rule.

You can too...or you can sit around and talk big game on the internet and insult won't be the first or last.

" 'Cuz I got a blank space baby...and I'll write your name"

If you don't like what you're reading...don't read it. 

If it helps you...remember I'm always here to help if you need it. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

One other thing

Do you have values or hobbies?

"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one"

I've been in a funk lately. Actually for almost a month. A month where everything has been seemingly perfect. No major heartbreaks, nothing but good news...there's no reason for me to feel iffy. Yet I have. I've had this dread feeling all the time, I've been exceedingly tired, and sleeping like complete crap. Almost every morning I wake up and my side of the bed is missing the sheets and has pillows thrown all over the floor. I spend most of the night checking the time and counting just how many hours of blissful sleep I'm missing out on for no apparent reason.

Granted I'm sure the mood swings can definitely be blamed on the not sleeping...but there's clearly a root issue that I'm missing. My life has never been this good. Engagement to the love of my life, a beautiful home, an awesome step daughter to be, a crazy dog, and recently an offer to take a job I couldn't be more excited about.

Yet I'm a walking disaster. One minute I'm high on happiness and the next I'm almost in tears because I can't find my car keys or I forgot to switch the laundry and my pants are wet.

*Disclaimer: I am not pregnant. As in...definitely don't even go there.*

This kind of stuff happens sometimes and the best explanation I've ever gotten from my old psychologist was that I will always battle depression and anxiety...and sometimes that means just pushing through it. She's offered meds, and I tried them years ago...but I hate the idea of stifling my feelings because I'm too lazy to deal with them. (Now let me be clear...I am NOT saying that people who take medication to help are lazy...because I have been at the point where I truly needed them in the past). But at this point in my life...I really don't NEED them. If I chose to take them and not just fight through the feelings, I would be taking the easy way out...and I never want to be that person. My dad was that person.

So I will continue to push through it until it stops or until it becomes unbearable. I will do that by remembering all of the amazing things happening around me, and pushing out negativity as much as possible.

I'm thankful for the amazing man that puts up with me sometimes not being myself. Even when the "funk" lasts for months at a time, and he feels helpless. He does everything he can to cheer me up...but also gives me a certain level of space that I  need. I couldn't ask for someone more understanding or patient. I'm blessed beyond belief. Knowing there is someone at home that doesn't judge and will never be mad at me for having crazy emotions is a major weight off my shoulders. I have someone who knows my past, and loves me for it...even through negativity. He celebrates the good and supports me through the bad.

I'm thankful that lately I've been able to cut some people out of my life. People that weren't good for me. People that were fake. And people who didn't deserve to be a part of my life in the first place. I'm thankful that even though it hurts to learn who they were...I have the opportunity to cut them out now before it got any worse. I'm glad that I finally have the backbone to get rid of the people who walk all over me.

I'm thankful that I'm planning a wedding the right way this time. With excitement from my family, and all of the goofy days with my girlfriends. I'm so happy that three of my best friends have agreed to be bridesmaids already, so I know that for the next two years of planning I will be able to turn to them in times of stress. I'm excited that I get to go dress shopping with my mom and that this time she will have something to celebrate at the reception. I'm relieved that my grandma will be at this wedding, and that this time she is excited to tell her friends her granddaughter is getting married. Everything about this wedding is different, and it's strange to be able to celebrate every moment. I love it.

I'm thankful for these funks because it gives me a reason to write, and a reason to think about all the things that are going well in my life.

Although I will admit, I'd be thrilled if the bad mood would wear off. Sleep and I want to get back together. 

In the meantime least when I am awake it's next to this handsome guy: