For weeks I have been just surviving. I don't know what other way to put that...other than I have been just keeping my head above water.
That probably means nothing to you. A lot of people will take that as a "she just managed to get everything done in time." When to me it means "she just managed to get out of bed."
I don't know how to explain it. These things hit me...and they hit me hard. I have had multiple panic attacks almost every day for no reason. I'm snapping at my daughter, my immune system is tanking, and I haven't slept more than 4 hours in weeks.
My husband is gone for a few weeks. And I am struggling.
Here's the honest truth...and something that is really hard for me to admit. I am horrible when it comes to being alone. I'm all "Miss Independent" "I've got this" "watch me rock this." But then I get home, I put my daughter to bed...and I'm panic attack city.
Lately it's been everything. Sunsets, smells, songs...
I see my dad, I smell him, I hear him...and I can't function. My heart races, my body freezes up...I feel tears coming for seemingly no reason.
It is taking everything in me to keep moving. I don't know why...I hate it. I despise feeling this way, and my chest constantly feels heavy. But I feel like I can't breathe.
I want to be honest as I've always been. I don't know why my heart hurts lately. It's been years, and my life is better than it has ever been. It doesn't make sense for things to hurt right now...it doesn't make sense that my heart aches for someone who really never gave a shit.
But it does. Summers were the good times, or at least the easier times. The nights on the boat, the evenings running around the docks...the times my father started to act like a normal human being.
I don't know why it hurts. I don't know why I miss the lunatic that made my life hell for 20 years.
I do know that it hurts. And this year it feels worse than usual.