It's funny how the past sneaks up on you.
And I don't mean the cutesy drawings you find from your grade school days...or the kid you teased on the bus becoming your boss. I'm not talking basic irony. I mean the big stuff. The moments or the people that pop back up into your life like a bat out of hell. The moments that kind of make your heart skip...and make you wonder if you have made the right decisions for yourself and for your kids.
The last two years have been weird. I was given this amazing gift in our daughter...a gift I never thought I would get. At the same time I lost 3 of my best friends in this world...and it changed my world. On a daily basis I question if we've made the right decisions as a family...if I made the right decisions as a person.
It's been a doozy of a week. Hell...I take that back. A doozy month. A lot of information that my brain isn't quite equipped to handle. I am taking care of a million things, and trying to keep this house running on my own. I am killing myself at work and running myself ragged running my business at home. I am exhausted, and my brain is overflowing. I have so much that I want to do, and so many things I'm trying to accomplish.
Tonight I had to stop myself. I had to realize that I am doing my best and I need to give myself a break. I want to write more for my own sanity...I wish my house was cleaner. I wish I was more caught up on schoolwork, and I wish I was a better friend that paid more attention to what the people around me are going through.
I HAVE TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP.
The things in the last two years...have happened for a reason. If I have any hope of keeping myself and this family going over the next 9 months...I have to stop kicking myself when I'm down. I push myself to a breaking point...and then push a little harder just to see if I can handle it. I have aspirations that are likely out of my reach...but I am going to push to hit them anyways. I want our kids to have a better life...I want them to see people working hard for what they want.
So here's the deal. I'm a mom and a bonus mom...who aspires to be as close to Lorelei Gilmore as possible. I'm a business owner that keeps notes and reminders written on her hands...and then showers forgetting they are there. I'm a wife that has a ridiculous crush on her husband...but has an attitude that gives the poor man a run for his money. I'm a student that can't keep up with basic tasks, but can write a 10 page paper during an after dinner cup of coffee.
I'm a walking contradiction...and I'm not perfect. But I am working my ass off. I'm trying to avoid an existential crisis while still keeping everyone in this house alive. I have unrealistic expectations for myself...but I'm willing to work hard enough that unrealistic becomes a reality.
I'm beyond lucky to have a partner that supports my insanity.
And I'm so thankful for all of those pieces of my past sneaking up to remind me of that. I have all of the things that I wanted and talked about for years...the love, the home, the kids...everything. And if we don't slow down for a second and realize the good things we have...we're going to miss our lives flying by.
Here's to the exhaustion.
To the very late nights and the frustrating days.
The endless to do lists and the laundry pile that never stops growing.
Here's to toddlers that rip apart what you did just moments before, and the husbands that want attention at the worst times.
Here's to learning to love every moment of the chaos...because it's your life.
And here's to loving yourself because you're doing the absolute best you can.