It has come to my attention lately that I am cutting things and people left and right. It's not really intentional...I just find myself not caring about the things that I did before. There are relationships that I'm too tired to keep working for. I have been putting crazy amounts of energy into people that are sucking the life out of me.
Worst part...I didn't even realize I was doing it. I thought the opposite...that I had a good balance of fighting for those that deserved it...and letting go of the ones that didn't.
Until I got too tired.
When I got too tired...I just stopped. Completely. I reached out to some people occasionally...but when the response was non-existent or less than true effort...I just stopped responding.
I'm not fighting stupid fights anymore. I get frustrated with school or other stupid things...and I just don't have the energy to care.
The things that mean something to me...I will fight to the death for.
The other things...I'm truly starting to walk away from.
I want my happy. And I'll do anything to keep it.
I want the things that mean something.
And only those things.
My family is so amazingly beautiful. The family in my home...and the extended family that we choose to surround ourselves with. I run a business that I love...with people I enjoy working with. I have an amazing full time job...that feels more like working with family than anything.
I am still working towards healing and choosing healthy love. Every day I have to avoid falling back into bad habits and giving myself to people that don't deserve it. I have to remember that some people truly aren't worth it...blood or not. My household needs my attention, my work needs my attention...I need MY attention.
I don't have time to be unhappy.
I don't have time for frustration.
I don't have time for meaningless.
Sunday, March 18, 2018
6 years and 1 day ago I was still anonymous.
I was still some random person on the internet going on about whatever my heart desired.
And then on a whim I decided to talk to a newspaper reporter about local domestic violence, our court systems, and our local agencies. It appeared that the news finally wanted to sit down and talk about how the systems had failed someone for a lifetime...and now wanted to revamp and help our community.
6 years ago I went public.
Just months after my father died.
I showed it all.
My disaster of a life at the time, the pieces I was still trying to pick up.
I did it for two reasons.
1. NO ONE should feel like shit for being in a domestic violence situation. No one. I don't care who you are, what the situation is...YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL REVICTIMIZED WHEN YOU SEEK HELP. You are allowed to talk about your abuse, you are allowed to be injured by it. The beginning of my story saw a lot of hiding...I didn't want to come forward because no one ever helped me. Or they claimed to...and then they argued. People judged. People told me to STOP talking about it. It apparently wasn't my place to talk about the abuse and manipulation I suffered from for years. Somehow...the power to be in control of my life was stripped from me a second time.
2. I was done hiding personally. For 5+ years I hid from my father because I didn't know for sure where he was, what he would do, or how he would react. At the end he was in prison...but then I had reporters on my doorstep. Society REALLY likes drama...especially when they get to watch people's lives falling apart on TV. I hid from the reporters. I hid from my father. I hid from his friends and family. But that article gave me the chance to stop hiding. He was gone...it was old news...and the article gave me the chance to not only talk about it for my healing...but also to encourage change in our community.
So 6 years later here's what I will say.
-The fame has died down, and for that I am thankful. It was hard to answer awkward public questions. It was hard to go to the gas station or the grocery store without questions.
-The point remains the same. Domestic violence is EVERYWHERE. It is your neighbor, your coworker, your child's preschool teacher.
-YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. If you are a victim, you get to feel like hell. You get to be angry. You get to feel however the fuck you want to feel in these situations.
-YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT IT. Yell it from the rooftops. "Overshare" to a coworker. Tell your neighbor, the guy you just started dating, the girl you met in class. Whatever. TALK ABOUT IT. Stop letting the world stifle you because it's "awkward."
This is your life.
You get to talk about it however you damn well please.
And anyone that tells you differently is a coward and an enabler to abuse.
It's. That. Simple.
This is your chance to go from scared, silenced, and jailed...
Choose free <3