"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased...it can only be accepted."

Thursday, July 17, 2014

For those bounce back kids

Saw this today and it gave me some hope for the future generations. People don't pay enough attention to keeping kids safe physically let alone mentally.

Ever meet a child who is "sick" all the time, exhausted, "clumsy"? The child in class that always wants to go to the nurse for stomachaches may not be faking it or trying to get out of class. The fact is school may be their one safe place...and those stomach pains could be stress manifesting itself in a dangerous way.

This book is great...makes me so happy to see.

http://edgewoodbounceback.com/2014/06/04/gracies-secret-a-story-for-kids-in-tough-families/

From one "Bounce Back kid" to hopefully more out there...let's get more active to stop the crap kids are facing. No child should EVER have to "bounce back" from this shit.

Friday, July 11, 2014

I need YOU

So here's the deal. I have an idea. A really big idea. It could go nowhere, but it could also do really big things for a lot of people. But I'm going to need help.

I can't give much information. It's all in the beginning stages, and I don't really have any details to give out. Keep reading and see if you match the description for what I'm looking for.

Someone:

*From all walks of life...white, black, yellow, green, purple. Male, female. Straight, gay. Just preferably someone human.

*Who has been through something that is hard to deal with. I know we all have struggles, but I'm looking for something "unusual". And please no one take offense to me saying that. I don't downplay ANYONE'S struggles...but for this particular project I need to kind of "blow the lid off" of major traumatic events. I'm talking abuse, rape, an attack of some sort...or anything that falls in that category. However this may also include someone struggling with a ***diagnosed*** mental disorder. Depression, anxiety, whatever it may be.

*Is willing to be public about their situation. Must be willing to answer hard questions, get incredibly open about specifics, and handle criticism. It may not always be an easy ride, but if someone quits on me halfway through...it could ruin the entire project. This will NOT be an anonymous venture.

*Someone that trusts me. Know that I will never share personal information without FULL consent. I'm a locked safe of information...until given the permission to use it.

I know this sounds incredibly vague, and is probably confusing. But if you're willing to talk about the struggles you've faced...I need your help.

Please know, if you want to share a story with me...and would like to remain anonymous until you get more information...that's fine too. Also, know that you can't shock me. My opinion will not change with the information you give me. I don't judge...and if anything I get a huge sense of pride for the people that tell their stories. Email me at littlemissmadness91@yahoo.com. I'll check it daily to get an idea of what I'm working with.

I want to change lives people! And the only way to do that is with backup. Show your strength and tell me your stories.


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Depression

I'm on a writing binge. I don't know why...but I suddenly have so many things that I want to talk about...and feel the need to get out faster than my fingers can type. There is one specific topic on my mind right now...and it's depression.

This is always hard for me to admit, because I pride myself in being as strong as humanly possible. Even when it's unlikely. But I'm fighting depression like all hell lately. It's an inner battle that no one can see, and probably doesn't notice. Typically, I'd go on medication for awhile until it was under control...and then slowly take myself off it. But the last time I decided that I was done, and just stopped taking it. That was almost two and a half years ago...and I've loved not having to depend on medication to keep me going.

That being said...depression does this strange thing where it comes in and out for seemingly no reason at all. My life is better right now than it has been in years. Nick is home safely, we have a beautiful home, wonderful jobs, I'm finally bonding with his daughter...we've spent the last two weeks traveling...things are really amazing. Yet, there is an ache in my chest lately that I can't shake off. There are some things going on...and a lot of changes have taken place...but essentially there is no "reason" for these feelings.

Luckily I've learned how to fight it all. I've learned how to shut certain feelings out, and process them only when I have the time to. It doesn't affect my relationships because I refuse to let it. But it gets harder every day to function. My sleep starts to be affected...and I have to say I haven't slept more than an hour or two for the last two nights.

Little things get overwhelming easily. Small sad things...physically hurt. It's hard to explain what I mean by that...but it's a mental and physical ache that is exhausting to deal with. You feel completely alone, when you're not at all. There are moments where all you want is someone to be there...but at the same second you want to push everyone away completely because you feel stronger on your own.

It doesn't make a damn bit of sense most of the time. It makes you feel like less of a person, or like you're being overly sensitive to stupid things. But it's not something that you can make disappear. It's frustrating when everything around you is amazing, but you're crying yourself to sleep at night over nothing.

I'm trying to make changes in my life right now. Some that are insanely difficult, and involve people that have been around longer than most. But they are changes that I have to make for my sanity. I can't be taking care of other people anymore. I just can't do it. My energy level isn't there, and I can't let my relationships with others make my life harder. It's hard enough to begin with.

I'm also trying to find some faith in little things. My boss is not one that gives out compliments often...and lately he's been giving me a lot of compliments and thanking me (which again...is not something he does). He walked into my office today and asked if I would have some things done for him by tomorrow because he was leaving...and before I could answer, he answered for me. His response "Wait of course you will...you haven't dropped the ball yet!" And then he told me to have a good night, and to leave whenever I felt I was ready.

I'm so blessed. Even with the crappy things in life, I'm blessed beyond compare. I've seen some things that no one should. I've experienced situations that changed my life, and will continue to influence me for the rest of my days. This depression and anxiety is one of them.

It doesn't make me less of a person. It doesn't make me less capable of handling things. It doesn't mean that anyone needs to walk on eggshells or try and "protect" me...actually for the love of my sanity please don't. Part of my ability to fight this is the power I get from pushing through issues and taking care of myself. I work better under pressure.

However, I do need understanding sometimes. There are moments where getting out of bed is a fight, and where not letting little things get to me is nearly impossible. I need people to educate themselves on depression. Not just for me...but because 1 out of every 5 young adults right now is fighting depression. So look around at your friends. Pick 4 of them. If it's not you...there's a good chance one of them is fighting it.

Be patient. Be kind. Love on people all the time. Back off if they ask you to.

Listen.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Not a victim doesn't equal never hurt

I don't know how to go about this post. I just got done posting about not being a victim, and fighting through the hard times in life. But sometimes...people just know how to tear you apart. They literally know how to hurt you deeply, and it doesn't bother them to do so. They attack you for the things that hurt...in my case, your father and the children that you've lost. And damn it...it hurts more than words can say.

You can rise above it. You can ignore it to the best of your ability. You can fight like hell to keep your head above water and not let shitty people hurt you. You can choose to NOT be a victim. But sometimes...you break. Sometimes it hurts so effing bad that you don't know how to function...let alone fight against it.

I'm in a situation right now that sucks. There's no better way to put it. As someone that writes...you'd think I could express myself better. But I can't right now. It's just horrible. I'm being blamed for a decision I made. A decision I had to make to protect myself...and for that matter my family. I had to end a friendship based on decisions someone else made. And it was horrible...it is horrible. There is someone that has been attacking me for 7 years now. I don't understand it now, and I probably never will. Someone that just feels the need to stoop as low as possible, and attack me for things they know will hurt me. Things like my previous marriage, my father, and the loss of my children.

I get being immature and saying things you don't mean. I understand flipping out and words coming out faster than you can control. But there are also people who are just cruel...and don't care how they hurt others. These people are twisted...hell my father was one of them. And right now...I'm dealing with another one. This person has been intent on not only upsetting me, but ruining parts of my life. And this person has accomplished almost everything they've set out on accomplishing.

Now I'm being harassed. Messages and texts from people I used to consider family saying how terrible I am...because they have no idea of the entire story. And that sucks. I have tried to defend myself. For entirely too long...and I'm past the point of being able to do it anymore. Which automatically means this is my fault. I'm the one that doesn't care, and I'm the one who is hurting other people. It doesn't matter that I effectively haven't slept in two days, and have cried every day for a week over something that I had to do.

I'm usually the girl that tries to take the high road. That tries to ignore shitty people. But sometimes not being the victim, and not attacking other people...also means that you hit a breaking point. You hit the point where you can no longer fight a fight that you are outnumbered in. I learned that 10 years ago, and I seem to be learning it all over again. But it doesn't hurt any less the second time around.

In fact, it might be worse.

It can always get better

I never post anymore...and when I do it seems to be less and less often as time goes by. I used to be posting every few days, at least every few weeks. Now I'm lucky if it's once a month. I can't decide why. I would like to think that it's because my father isn't on my mind very often...and I don't have the need to talk about things. But I know that's not the truth. My father is on my mind every day...but true to form I start pushing thoughts of him away as soon as they surface.

Sometimes it all feels like a dream. The jail time, the things he did...things I went through when I was younger. It feels like some strange movie that I watched and now try to block out. Sometimes it comes through loud and clear...and I can physically feel being shoved around or hurt. I will panic as though I'm in intense danger right in that moment. But I'm not. I'm fine now...I'm safe...he's dead.

And sometimes I feel this crazy guilt. I used to wish my father dead. I thought that him being gone would mean I would finally be safe and would have closure. In a way...I was right. With him gone I am safe, but there certainly isn't the amount of closure I was hoping for. I know how terrible that sounds...but it's simply the truth.

It's strange, when the topic of my father comes up I spit all sorts of information out without even thinking about it. I can openly (and maybe too easily admit) that my father was a diagnosed psychopath that admitted to setting his girlfriend's house on fire because he wanted to kill her. He threatened to kill me multiple times. He abused all of the women in his life, including his small children. He was an insanely sick and human being.

But because of him...I know how to NOT be a victim. I guess that's where this is all coming from. I was at a USMC reunion this weekend with Nick, and there were so many men there that went through hell. They went through scary situations, they lost their friends...and yet the ones that I met...don't act like victims. They lost body parts, they have physical and mental scars that may never go away. But they don't sit and feel sorry for themselves. They celebrate life. They celebrate each other, and honor those that are no longer with us.

They aren't victims, I'm not a victim...and I think more people need to live their life in that way. Being victimized does not make you a victim. You choose what it makes you. Victim or survivor.

Life sucks sometimes. There's no better way to put it. People hurt you, and situations get out of control. But things can also always get better. Maybe that's why I don't post much...because things are better. And they will continue to get better.

Monday, June 23, 2014

It's Superman's birthday

32 years ago something really huge happened in my life...and I wasn't even born yet. 32 years ago my other half was born. The most amazing, beautiful man I've ever met came into this world and started causing chaos (I'm sure from day 1).

Nick is my rock. He is my best friend, the true "other half" of me. He is my protector, even when I'm too stubborn to admit that I could use protecting. He is my voice of reason when I completely lose my sanity. He is my calming force when my head is spinning off in circles. Other than my family, he is the only person in my life that supports everything I do, and always has my best interest at heart. He puts everyone else first. His family, his daughter, his friends...me...he works himself harder than anyone else I know...just to make sure other people are taken care of.

June 24th...this world gained an angel. I gained a best friend, and someone to build a life with. His daughter and hopefully our future children gained one of the best fathers in this world.

Words really can't say how special and perfect he is to me. In a strange way he saved my life 2 years ago. He rebuilt my confidence, and taught me how to be loved by someone in a healthy way. He showed me that someone can have a crazy past...and change their life when the time is right. He taught me how to laugh again...and always seems to know when I need a 3 am giggle fight. Or to talk his ear off...and goodness gracious does that poor man have to listen to me sometimes...

Sometimes life has this strange plan...and it plans things extremely far in advance. In my case...it started planning 32 years ago when Superman was born.

But now...Superman lives at my house. Happy Birthday handsome. I adore you more than you know.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Father's Day...I don't like you

                Can I just say that my life is completely insane? Seriously…even when it “slows down” it’s still out of hand. I have to also mention that the journey I have gone through in the last two years is astonishing to me. Has anyone heard of the new app “Timehop”? Well…I started using it, and it’s some strange twist between entertaining and disturbing.

Today for example:

1 year ago- Nick and I took a carload of kids (his daughter, her friends, my brother) and took off to a waterpark for the weekend while he was home on leave. Life was good, I wasn’t working for a while, had the summer off from school, and we had just “moved in” together.

2 years ago- I was posting from my office at almost 9pm because I was a workaholic, and trying to help my boss get her company off the ground. I lived at my aunt and uncle’s house, and was trying to rebuild my own life slowly. I also bartended at night, and didn’t have any interest in going back to school. Oh, and I was a party girl…big time.

3 years ago- I was complaining about LeBron and quoting random Auntie Mame movie scenes…who really knows what was going on…

4 years ago- Married, working nights in pretty crappy jobs, was struggling to get by, and lived in an apartment with my ex-husband and two roommates.

                But then we have now. School, new house, work full time in a good job (that makes me nuts but you win some you lose some), and Nick “just” got home. Don’t get me wrong…I love it. But this week has been such a blur I can barely think straight. Midterms…crazy deadline at work…about 3-4 days that Nick and I didn’t see each other for more than an hour or so because our work schedules were complete opposites. IT SUCKED. I was damn close to miserable during some of it…not enough sleep, too much coffee, not eating (for lack of time in the day, not something intentional)…I truly thought I was going to lose my mind. There may have been a moment that I asked my boss for hazard pay in order to protect my mental state…
                But see here’s the thing…sometimes I feel like I have no room to complain about things…because when other people do I imagine rolling my eyes at them (or sometimes I actually roll them). In comparison to other times…my life is kickass. No seriously…compared to the shit I’ve seen and dealt with…a messy house really isn’t that big of a freaking deal. My boss being an ass, is not worth the sweat off my brow. Not seeing Nick for a few days…well we all know how I feel about that. 16 hours? Damn. BETTER THAN 16 MONTHS! I might complain, but I can put it in perspective.

                Basically in advance…I’m apologizing to anyone that I irritate with my complaining. And it’s probably true that I should think before I speak…and I should be more thankful for the things that are going well in my life. THAT BEING SAID…I’m going to keep complaining. I’ve mentioned before…I don’t sugar coat things. If things suck today…they may or may not be better tomorrow. It won’t ruin me, it won’t screw up my life…it will just suck for a little bit…and eventually it will get better.
               
                Now here’s where all of this is really going. Guess what this weekend is? It’s National Drink-a-lot-of-wine Weekend!!! Ok not really. It’s Father’s Day. A wonderful day meant to honor the amazing dads in this world. Step dads, foster dads, adoptive dads, biological dads…or for that matter uncles, grandpas, or MOMS that had to be dads. Kinda like mine.

                I’ve been blessed with some amazing fathers in my life. Grandpas, my phenomenal uncles, and let’s be honest…a saint of a mother. No seriously…dealing with me for the last 23 years, I kind of wonder how she didn’t have to have us both committed. And then the amazing man in my life. The man who has truly completed my life, and has made me a better person. The person who has given me a reason to truly honor someone on Father’s Day.

                With that said. I won’t lie and dance around while rainbows fly outta my ass. FATHER’S DAY SUCKS. It lurks in the back of my head for weeks before, and a few days after. I see the cards in the store and hear all the ads on the radio and it makes me want to scream. “If you could give the best dad anything in the world for Father’s Day what would it be?”

…um…nothing…cuz I don’t know him…

                There’s this “fun” thing they’re doing on the radio station I listen to every morning (conveniently during my drive to work) where the one DJ goes around the city and asks people funny questions about their dads. I like to make up witty responses to them. Can I just say thank the Lord no one can hear me in my car…
                I am THRILLED for people who still have their fathers. And again, I will gladly honor the men in my life that have demonstrated pure love to me for all of my life. I will nothing but pleasant (the best I can) and act like nothing is wrong this weekend. Because it’s not about dwelling on the crap, it’s about pushing past the hurt and the frustration, and finding things to be happy about.

                But it still sucks. Not only is my father dead…he was a real crappy example of a dad. And that’s being nice. There’s this saying…”any man can be a father but it takes a loving man to be a dad”. Yea…so my father…

                I’m going to try and be nice here. I’m going to put the most positive spin on it that I can…because I’m crabby and need to find some good things to focus on. So in honor of Father’s Day…here are some things that I couldn’t have learned without my father (well and my mother’s advice/paying for intensive therapy)…

-You don’t have to be an asshole to be a parent. No really…you don’t. But you also don’t have to be your kid’s friend. Actually…if you become their friend before age 22…you’re probably doing it wrong.

-Life isn’t about having money. It’s about finding something your passionate about and throwing your life into it. Whether that is your child, your spouse, your hobby, your job, your pet raccoon…it really doesn’t matter. Just go balls to the wall and love the crap out of it.

-Never put your child down. No matter what, no excuses. You will do more damage that you will ever truly understand. Criticize…constructively. Scold…appropriately. Calm the hell down before you say anything to them when you’re mad. Because once those nasty words come out of your mouth…they’re not going back in.

-Drugs are bad…mkay?

-Don’t ever stress about weight. Weight isn’t the issue, health is. Go nuts on ice cream once a week, eat cookie dough out of the tub, drink pop on special occasions. Enjoy what you eat. Cook at home, go to dinner, or get delivery. But then go play outside. Ride bikes, chase the dog, go for a walk, play tag…just do SOMETHING. Hell, go run past the hot neighbor 4 times just so they’ll look at you. Make it fun.

-DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. It’s your life. But be aware of the consequences. Be informed, and make the best decisions given the information you have. However, don’t listen to other people.

-Let kids experience things. They are not some glass knick knack on the shelf…so don’t go wrapping them in bubble paper. Kids need to do scary things sometimes to learn that the world isn’t going to hurt them at every turn. If you can’t take risks…neither will they. And that’s a really sad way to live life.

-Education is really important…no really…more important than you think. And not just for a salary later on in life. Holy cow if only I’d listened to my mother when she told me to knock my degree out when life was easy…

-Let kids be kids. They’re going to break things. They’re going to roll around in mud. They’re going to do things inappropriate. It could be annoying, but it can also be freaking hilarious. Stop being so mad and get over it. Enjoy it.

-That thing…whatever it is…that you hoped your kid didn’t see? They did. They will remember. And they will probably tell people when you least want them to.

-Manipulating people will backfire. Maybe not right away…but it will. Even if only when you realize that you have no honest relationships in your life, and in reality…you’re all alone.

-People are going to hate you. They’re going to criticize you. Probably all of the time. You can’t please everyone, you never have and you never will. My father used to infuriate my mother and she brushed it off with such grace and I always wondered how. He was a real rat…but she would walk away and count to 3…and then that was it (at least in front of me). That always blew my mind. He would insult her, and she wouldn’t give it a second glance. Now as an adult…I’m sure it hurt her sometimes. But she didn’t show it. And it taught me to respond to insults with the big old middle finger. Don’t like me? Take a hike. It’s taken me 23 years to truly love and respect myself…I don’t have that kind of time to convince you what I’m worth. Nor do I really care to.

                Now here’s the big one. Like the big kahunas that I got from life around my father (and again my mother’s influence)…
GET THE EFF UP.
No seriously sweetheart. Right now. The freight train that just blindsided you and knocked you into next week? Peel yourself off the tracks and hobble your butt wherever you need to go to start over. It’s not that bad. It’ll get better. Whatever the big stumbling block is that you’re dealing with…it’ll go away eventually. And if it doesn’t…it’ll kill you! I know…morbid. But if life is THAT terrible that something is going to kill you…would you rather enjoy it while it lasts, or mope around about it? So I’ll say it again. Get. Up. And when the next big train comes around…either move or peel yourself up again once it flattens you. It’s still gonna be ok. I promise.

                Alright I’m done preaching. Now that I’ve given all this life advice (if that’s what you want to call it)…here’s a perfect way to draw this post to a close. Let’s get silly…with a puppy…playing with the big bad lemon.

Yes this is my dog. And yes he is mentally unstable…takes after his momma.
(Please excuse the giggling and sometimes shaky camera…it was REALLY freaking funny)


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