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"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased...it can only be accepted."

Monday, February 25, 2019

February

February has been a horrendous month for this household.

There are a lot of things going on that we can't really talk about. We are fine, kids are fine...just a lot of stress that is exhausting. Sometimes it feels that you finally start making progress, and then all hell breaks loose.

It's not one big thing...just a lot of little things that are piling together and getting overwhelming.

I was feeling really overwhelmed tonight. Angry about some of our circumstances, exhausted, and sad about things I can't control.

I've been binge watching Grey's Anatomy and an episode came on about a couple losing their baby. They had no control over their situation and there was nothing they could do to help their own child.

I cried watching it...but it also reminded me to be incredibly thankful. Not only for being out of the circumstances I used to be in...but also for these tiny humans. I was given the things I never thought I would get.


And even in my worst moments...I have to remember that they are my "why."

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Today was a bad day

Tire wall was punctured. Big bill.

Dogs were attacked by a neighbor's wandering dog in our yard.

Kids were crabby. Sleep was nonexistent.

But I was reminded of something really important today.

I have had the same doctor for over 20 years...and she is now the doctor for my husband and our kids as well. From the day they are born...she sees us all.

At baby's one month appointment today...our doctor got emotional. She started talking about how she had been thinking about how my life had changed...and how amazing things were finally getting. She saw me through hell with my father. She saw me through infertility struggles. She saw me through a nasty divorce...and a subsequent few years of depression. 

But then she saw me meet the man I then married. She saw us bring two beautiful girls into this world. She saw us succeed, finish school, and plan for a future.

On a terrible day...she changed my perspective. She reminded me that things have been so terrible in the past...and that they are so amazing now. She reminded me that I am beyond blessed and have more than I ever thought I would have. 

But she also showed me yet again that there are more people in our lives that love us. More than I realize sometimes. 

We are so very very lucky.

Today was a bad day. But it is a really good life.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Rainbows

It's been a rough day. One that I will talk more about later.

But as I was thinking about how great it would feel to write and get my stress out of my fingers...

I realized a few things. I realized that I hadn't written in awhile...and that I hadn't announced one of the most important things that has happened in my life lately.

On January 16th...we welcomed our darling little girl. 






I have bad days...and sometimes it feels that we are constantly facing setbacks. I find myself growing frustrated with how hard we are working to just be thrown a new curve ball. I understand that it's life...and that's how it works...but we all know that some days are just worse than others.

While all of these things were going on in my mind...I was able to see some perspective. My kids make me completely crazy...but they are also the good in the darkness. They are the reason we make it work every day, and the reason that we are so crazy blessed. They make those bad days so much better.

They are my two rainbows.


I'm thankful for the things that I have now...and how amazing life has gotten. I am thankful that even my truly bad days are good ones. I still come home to this amazing family and these beautiful kids. I come home to a husband that I am unbelievably in love with...and a life that is more than I had imagined.


Friday, October 26, 2018

The November struggle

So this entire year flew by in a way that I wasn't really expecting. Between the flood in our home, living in a hotel while it got fixed, finding out that our next baby was coming...things have been ridiculously fast paced.

I am struggling to grasp that we will have another baby in less than 3 months. I don't feel prepared at all. And on top of that...I don't feel mentally ready at all. My anxiety has been kicking up a notch, and I'm constantly envisioning these horrible scenarios (that won't ever happen). It's exhausting, and it's hard to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy.

Meanwhile...we are almost back to November. One of the roughest months in our household. My husband and I both have struggles with our past. Mine tends to flare in September, his dark month is November. It's a month that reminds me of the absolute hell he has overcome...but also that he is a human with extremely harsh memories.

It's strange to have two people in the same household with remarkably similar diagnoses...but completely different symptoms/struggles. It's hard to remind yourself that you don't understand what the other person is going through...despite understanding the basis of why they feel how they do. I understand the exhaustion and mental struggle...I don't understand the background or the emotional toll it takes.

PTSD is a real bitch. It turns past scenarios (or even made up scenarios) into real images in your head. It turns what would be a normal thought in one person, into an exhausting worry fest in your brain. It changes your outlook on things, it drains you of the little energy you have left, and it confuses your emotions.

I am thankful we both have our experiences. Our pasts pushed us to each other, and helped us find another person that has some understanding of how our history makes us better. We found a partner that appreciates those struggles instead of criticizing them.

Part of that is giving the other person time to process however they need to. Not trying to understand, not trying to fix...just giving them grace and your presence. The anniversary of my father's death this year...Nick didn't even realize what was wrong. I was short tempered, and tearful kind of all day. He obviously figured it out...but he never pushed. He never asked, he never got frustrated with me. He was just there.

I always want to fix, and I have to focus on not doing that. Being present and available when he needs it, without pushing things down his throat. These memories and the sadness are not things that can be fixed or processed away. Time will help dull them...but will never take them away.

So if you have someone in your life that struggles with their past...just keep those things in mind. We all process in our own way. We don't fully understand anyone else's fight. A good day could turn bad in seconds...and a bad day could be turned around with patience.

I'm just thankful going into this month that my survivor is willing to deal with it every day instead of falling to the past. Too many have been lost, and I'm thankful that he isn't one of them.

And for all of the 1/3...know that I'm here. You don't have to talk, I won't shrink your brain. But you're welcome in our home at any time...and my cell is available to every single one of you if you think you need it. I'm super awkward and inappropriate...so at the very least I can make completely ridiculous (and not funny) jokes to distract you for a bit. This world is better with you in it. Guaranteed.

And for your viewing pleasure...a super cute little girl excited to go to a dance with her hero.


22 a day is 22 too many. 

Reach out <3

Friday, June 8, 2018

Bachelors and babies

We did it! 

After almost 6 years of exhaustion, trying to maintain a marriage from a distance, and learning to parent by ourselves.

And it's over.

The husband graduated at the end of last month...and for the first time in forever, we can start to slow down. No more deployment. No more classes. No more late night studying and sleeping alone.

We are so proud, and so relieved. 
Boards this summer...and on to bigger and better things in the SICU come this fall. 



Then as a surprise ending to it all (because we truly don't know how to SLOW down...)

Offspring number 3 is coming your way January of 2019.

Apparently we REALLY love having kids in January. I vote annual family vacation to celebrate.

Less expense...more cocktails for momma.
It's a win win.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

The married single mom

The last four years have been no walk in the park. They have tested me to my furthest point and they have been more exhausting than I could have imagined.

Or at least I thought they had.

Then our house fell apart. We woke up Easter morning to a disaster that not only caused thousands of dollars of damage in our plumbing...but also flooded our crawlspace.It shorted out our furnace and flooded our AC. As of right now...we have been without heat in our home for 12 days.

I have dealt with it.
Every. Single. Piece.

Every contractor. Every restoration team. Every insurance adjuster.

And I am drowning. 
I am so past the point of tired and overwhelmed...that I am straight into numb and confused.

Trying to keep a life together, a child healthy, animals in safe places...work, a business, school...FINANCES.

I am exhausted. I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. 

I am past numb. The more the bad news hits...the more I check out of the situation and just start to function on auto pilot.

I am a married single mom right now. I am on my own to deal with these things...and I thank God every day for my family and my best friends who have stepped up and stepped in to help me deal with this disaster. Never in my life will I forget how amazing some people have been. I am forever thankful.

But I am tired. 

I am struggling so hard to keep my head above water...and so far I'm doing it.

What scares me a little bit...is how easily it comes to me. Crisis management and the ability to juggle five thousand things at once without the slightest emotion...is kind of scary. I have a list, I have a timeline, I have an impossible problem to fix...and instead of turning to anyone else...I just handle it.

I have become too self sufficient. 

And before anyone gets all up in arms...this isn't meant as a "I'm so awesome and blah blah blah I don't need anyone else blah blah blah."

This situation honestly scares me.
I hold myself to standards that aren't attainable by any normal human.
I expect too much and don't allow myself to truly decompress.
Ever.

I grew up in a situation where I had to act fast...and not emotionally. I had to process things in my life quickly and safely. I had to navigate troubled waters on my own.

Here I am 15 years later...and I still don't know how to let someone help. I don't know how to not just fix the situation on my own. I run myself into the ground until I can't see straight...because it's what I know. I don't know how to turn it off.

I want to be vulnerable. I want to be able to turn things over and just walk away. I want to STOP worrying about every tiny detail of everything ALL THE TIME. I want help.

But I don't want to ask for it.

Some days I want to pull over on the side of the road and just scream my face off. I am so pushed to the point of exhaustion that I don't know how to rest. I don't know how to shut things down.

Maybe it's pride. Knowing that I CAN do everything that has to be done...is huge. My self worth and confidence comes from knowing that I am capable of "doing it all"...and doing it well.

But the exhaustion that comes from that is something that isn't sustainable. 

A hard lesson that I haven't learned yet...
You can't be everything to everyone all the time.

And because it has literally been on repeat for a week...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRP8d7hhpoQ

"Well baby I've been here before. I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. I used to live alone before I knew ya. And I've seen your flag on the marble arch...and love is not a victory march."


Monday, April 2, 2018

You fight.

So what do you do?

When you're pissed. Hurt. Upset. Mad at the world. Holding grudges on everyone that ever hurt you. Questioning everything that is happening around you.

What do you do?

You acknowledge the love. There is at least one person in the insanity that loves you no matter what. Find that person.

Then dig deep and find some stupid badass attitude that pulls you out of the negative.

What do you do?

You fight.

This life is going to beat you past the edges of your sanity.

Trust me. I know.

It is going to truly rock your world and ruin everything around you.

You are going to fight some battles that don't make sense and don't seem to have a solution.

And some nights you are going to feel so alone and like you have to do it all on your own.

You might be right.

But the reality is that you can handle it...and you will.

Know that it's okay to feel like the world is crumbling around you while you try to maintain your footing.

It's truly okay.

I am not in control.

I try to be and then life rocks me. I lose everything I thought I had...and we start over. 

Every single person in this world will let you down if you let them. And don't take that as some horribly negative thing. Just think about it.

You will create failures in those people if you want to see them. You will find a way to make their support a negative.

Your world will still crumble.
It's just going to happen.

Be strong enough to put it back together.

Every.

Single. 

Time. 

If you need to punch things, scream into a pillow, or go for a long walk alone...do it.

But do it...and then
put yourself back together.

Fight.