I am struggling to grasp that we will have another baby in less than 3 months. I don't feel prepared at all. And on top of that...I don't feel mentally ready at all. My anxiety has been kicking up a notch, and I'm constantly envisioning these horrible scenarios (that won't ever happen). It's exhausting, and it's hard to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy.
Meanwhile...we are almost back to November. One of the roughest months in our household. My husband and I both have struggles with our past. Mine tends to flare in September, his dark month is November. It's a month that reminds me of the absolute hell he has overcome...but also that he is a human with extremely harsh memories.
It's strange to have two people in the same household with remarkably similar diagnoses...but completely different symptoms/struggles. It's hard to remind yourself that you don't understand what the other person is going through...despite understanding the basis of why they feel how they do. I understand the exhaustion and mental struggle...I don't understand the background or the emotional toll it takes.
PTSD is a real bitch. It turns past scenarios (or even made up scenarios) into real images in your head. It turns what would be a normal thought in one person, into an exhausting worry fest in your brain. It changes your outlook on things, it drains you of the little energy you have left, and it confuses your emotions.
I am thankful we both have our experiences. Our pasts pushed us to each other, and helped us find another person that has some understanding of how our history makes us better. We found a partner that appreciates those struggles instead of criticizing them.
Part of that is giving the other person time to process however they need to. Not trying to understand, not trying to fix...just giving them grace and your presence. The anniversary of my father's death this year...Nick didn't even realize what was wrong. I was short tempered, and tearful kind of all day. He obviously figured it out...but he never pushed. He never asked, he never got frustrated with me. He was just there.
I always want to fix, and I have to focus on not doing that. Being present and available when he needs it, without pushing things down his throat. These memories and the sadness are not things that can be fixed or processed away. Time will help dull them...but will never take them away.
So if you have someone in your life that struggles with their past...just keep those things in mind. We all process in our own way. We don't fully understand anyone else's fight. A good day could turn bad in seconds...and a bad day could be turned around with patience.
I'm just thankful going into this month that my survivor is willing to deal with it every day instead of falling to the past. Too many have been lost, and I'm thankful that he isn't one of them.
And for all of the 1/3...know that I'm here. You don't have to talk, I won't shrink your brain. But you're welcome in our home at any time...and my cell is available to every single one of you if you think you need it. I'm super awkward and inappropriate...so at the very least I can make completely ridiculous (and not funny) jokes to distract you for a bit. This world is better with you in it. Guaranteed.
And for your viewing pleasure...a super cute little girl excited to go to a dance with her hero.
22 a day is 22 too many.
Reach out <3