"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Sunday, March 18, 2018

6 years

6 years and 1 day ago I was still anonymous.

I was still some random person on the internet going on about whatever my heart desired.

And then on a whim I decided to talk to a newspaper reporter about local domestic violence, our court systems, and our local agencies. It appeared that the news finally wanted to sit down and talk about how the systems had failed someone for a lifetime...and now wanted to revamp and help our community.

6 years ago I went public. 
Just months after my father died.

I showed it all. 
My disaster of a life at the time, the pieces I was still trying to pick up.

I did it for two reasons.

1. NO ONE should feel like shit for being in a domestic violence situation. No one. I don't care who you are, what the situation is...YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL REVICTIMIZED WHEN YOU SEEK HELP. You are allowed to talk about your abuse, you are allowed to be injured by it. The beginning of my story saw a lot of hiding...I didn't want to come forward because no one ever helped me. Or they claimed to...and then they argued. People judged. People told me to STOP talking about it. It apparently wasn't my place to talk about the abuse and manipulation I suffered from for years. Somehow...the power to be in control of my life was stripped from me a second time.

2. I was done hiding personally. For 5+ years I hid from my father because I didn't know for sure where he was, what he would do, or how he would react. At the end he was in prison...but then I had reporters on my doorstep. Society REALLY likes drama...especially when they get to watch people's lives falling apart on TV. I hid from the reporters. I hid from my father. I hid from his friends and family. But that article gave me the chance to stop hiding. He was was old news...and the article gave me the chance to not only talk about it for my healing...but also to encourage change in our community.

So 6 years later here's what I will say.

-The fame has died down, and for that I am thankful. It was hard to answer awkward public questions. It was hard to go to the gas station or the grocery store without questions.

-The point remains the same. Domestic violence is EVERYWHERE. It is your neighbor, your coworker, your child's preschool teacher.

-YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. If you are a victim, you get to feel like hell. You get to be angry. You get to feel however the fuck you want to feel in these situations.

-YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT IT. Yell it from the rooftops. "Overshare" to a coworker. Tell your neighbor, the guy you just started dating, the girl you met in class. Whatever. TALK ABOUT IT. Stop letting the world stifle you because it's "awkward."

This is your life. 
You get to talk about it however you damn well please.
And anyone that tells you differently is a coward and an enabler to abuse.
It's. That. Simple.

This is your chance to go from scared, silenced, and jailed...

To free.

Choose free <3

Wednesday, February 28, 2018


It’s been a rough few anyone that knows me is aware of.

But I can honestly say that I am remarkably proud of the life that I have built. I have amazing and patient people around me...people that truly care about surrounding us in so much love.

There have been nasty triggers, horrible panic attacks out of nowhere...and a lot of anger on my part. But the people near me have been perfect. So patient and so loving. I really can’t ask for much more.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

For once

I have rewritten the beginning of this post 20 times. I have created hooks and sentences that would catch people's attention. I looked for the shock factor...and I'm readjusting to the fact that I don't write for other people...I write for me. I have to stop editing myself because I'm worried about what people will think or be offended by.

I'm not on that train anymore...what you get is what I think at the moment. 
You don't have to read it...I need to write it for my sanity.

Take this as your warning.

- Stop reading if you are offended by swear words or honesty.
- If you are related to my father...I also suggest you stop reading now.

It's 3 am...I am beyond exhausted...and pissed. I have kept a lot of my thoughts private lately because I was trying to navigate our new normal. I have been holding in a shitload of anger because I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to have it all together. 

Sometimes these things come up out of nowhere and I am livid.
I am overtired, emotional, punch holes in things kind of mad.
I'm a relatively calm person...I usually bury anger and cry instead of reacting physically.

But right now...I'm just mad. 
I'm livid. 

All the things I have been fighting are boiling up and I suddenly wish there was a basement to this house where I could keep punching bags and weights.

Right now...I can't get half of my "family" out of my head. Certain conversations and dreams are to blame. Suddenly I can't stop thinking about all the things I have never said.

Let's not pretend that I'm not hurt. 
I am.

My heart is falling apart half the time because I think about what could be. I am angry that "family" can be so hurtful and shallow. I am sad for myself...and I'm sad for my kids.

My kids are so loved.
By so many people.
So many sides of family.
They are SO beyond blessed.

But there's still something missing.

There are people missing.

My kids will never know that those people are missing. Because I refuse to explain to them that there are people that have CHOSEN to not be in their lives. My kids are gold. And any person that doesn't want to be around them...clearly doesn't realize what they are missing. Those people are CHOOSING to miss out on some of the best people on this planet.

It pisses me off. Those littles deserve better. 
Better than people that don't see their worth.

And on the same note...I deserve better. I deserve better than people that choose not to see my worth. I struggle sometimes because I wonder if I get to be mad about that? I get so caught up in being mad that my kids won't ever know a quarter of their family...and I forget that I'm still grieving losing those same people. They were in my life once...and suddenly they are just all gone. I no longer fit the mold for them to love.

Tonight...I'm mad for me.

My heart hurts. 

Sometimes it hits me hard...that people have chosen their rich lifestyles over just loving on their own flesh and blood. I struggle with that thought. For an hour or so it creeps up and makes my chest feel heavy. I feel like garbage because someone's pride is more important than me...than my husband and my kids. I feel worthless. 

And then I get really mad.
I go from hurt to pure fury.

Let me be clear.

If you are one of those people reading this...please understand that you are missed. I am sad that you have chosen other things over us. I am sad that the money and "prestige" of that family name has made other things more important than us in your eyes. I am sorry that mansions and fancy things are more important than integrity and honest love for one another.

But at the same time...(turn your kids away from the next few paragraphs)...

Fuck you.

Seriously. You don't know what you're missing. As much as your absence may be felt don't have the slightest grasp of what you are missing.

I am sad because we all deserve better. 
Including you. 

Love isn't supposed to have conditions.

Did you get that? 
If it isn't love.

I'm pissed because I deserved better for the last 27 years. I deserved unconditional love. I deserved one of you to stand up for me. I deserved more than you gave. I deserved any of you to stand up to the money and the "name" order to help keep me safe.

But you chose not to. And when I stood up for treated me like garbage.

So please remember...we are not the problem. Despite the years of me leaving the door open for you to come see us...despite me inviting you to every family event...YOU are the ones who made the choices that you did. You are the ones who decided our wedding wasn't important. You are the ones who complain about "missing seeing Emma grow up" when you've never actually met her. You're the ones who pretend to give a shit...but haven't met Munchkin in the last 6 years full of opportunities.

This is all on you. 

We will always be here. Because that's what family does. But we won't be here with conditions.

You want know how to find us. But don't come at me with rules or expectations. Show me that love is more important than your pride.

For once.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Baby steps

This "daddy issues" life never gets easier.

Every day things set you back and kind of kick you when you're down.

Holiday time...that kick gets a little more brutal. Stupid things eat at you to your core.

But tonight I'm focusing on really basic baby steps.

The situation is never going to change. I am always going to feel that void where my father should be. Only I get to decide what comes of it.

Merry Christmas <3

Thursday, November 30, 2017

She's still mine

As I sat down to finally type all of the things that have been in my head lately..."She Used To Be Mine" came on. A song that I am so BEYOND in love with. It hits me hard in the gut...look it up if you don't know it.

I came here to talk about how terrible of a friend I have been...and how crappy I feel about my inability to keep up with anyone else right now. This is such an insane time in my life...that I'm not giving anyone the amount of attention that they deserve. I thought about a friend today and almost texted her. Want to know why I didn't? Because I was so afraid we would start talking about something or that I would let her down by then disappearing again for two weeks. Unintentionally...but it almost seemed easier and better for both of us for me to wait.

But this song reminded me again...bring back the fire. Bring back the damn badass attitude I usually have. This month has been SO crazy. I have a ten page paper less than 24 hours and I'm sitting here writing instead because I feel like my brain needed a chance to unload.


I don't even know how to process this month in my head. There have been so many things going on...but one in particular that I want to talk about.

I quietly started a business back in February or March of this year. We had been using oils in our household for almost 3 years and we had seen what they accomplished for our family. I was able to learn to balance myself and my mental status without medications. Which if anyone knows me...well you will understand what that meant to me. I stopped needing antibiotics and steroids every month...and was able to cut it down to a few times a year. My baby has never been on antibiotics. Do you understand that? A baby with a mom who has 0 immune going on almost TWO YEARS of never needing antibiotics. Take that as you will.

But that wasn't my point. Here's my point.

Over the last few years...I have lost some friends. Every day I am learning more and more to cut out toxic people and stop giving them these huge parts of me. I'm learning to focus my energy on the people that deserve it...and that give me the same amount of energy. But honestly as the year started...I was feeling so alone. SO alone. New full time...never seeing my husband...I just felt like I was killing myself and losing who I was. I was struggling with PPD...literally just everything felt like an uphill battle and I was so so tired.

Then some time around that time...I lost one of my jobs. Half of my paycheck down the drain.
It. Murdered. Me.
I'm not sure I've never felt so panicked.

So I finally said screw it. I tried out this business (yea you're thinking, so you added something ELSE to your plate???). But what I found was SO much more. I got a business (which I will address in a minute)...and I got three best friends. I got a purpose...and I got something that I enjoy doing.

I felt like every day I was accomplishing something. Making people healthier, giving them relief from things they had been struggling with, introducing some of them to a business too. Everything about it just made me feel so good.

I found three people from different parts of my life...and we became SO close. We talk EVERY single day. We share big news with each other before we tell anyone else. We laugh, we make fun of each other, we cry...they are seriously my best friends. I wish we had had the chance to get closer earlier in life...because I've never felt quite so supported as I do with them in my corner.

This month...we were expected to hit around $2500 in sales total. We are topping out around $5500. We more than DOUBLED our business in a matter of days. And if you don't understand what some determined women can do when they buckle should see our numbers.

I haven't pulled my head out of my computer or phone in days. And tomorrow we start all over again. But I am SO proud...and SO thankful to be a part of a strong team of women...of my best friends.

I don't know how better to explain it other than just saying I feel empowered again. I feel good about what I'm doing every day, I feel proud of what we have built, and I feel like I have a huge future to look forward to.

We are working so hard. If I'm not doing homework, I'm at the office. If I'm not at the office, I'm working at home. If I'm not working at home I'm cleaning, chasing a toddler, driving taxi for the teenager, or SLEEPING.

So if you take nothing else from this writing...take this. I am sorry. I'm sorry I've been a bad friend. Know that I truly care, and that I am working my ass off right now so that one day soon I will be able to take all the time I need for my family, and for my friends. I am in survival mode. I'm killing it...but I'm just inches away from failure. There is no time for second guessing or relaxing. There will just isn't now.

I'm doing my best. And sometimes my best isn't that great.

Do me a favor and grant me some grace in the meantime.

And a quick side bar for those that are watching from a distance. Yea. You. The person that comes here, reads, and then turns around to talk about how ridiculous I am...and how this blog is stupid. I see you. I see what you are doing. I hear about it.

But please know something. This isn't about you. It's not about your opinion. Hatred builds hatred...and I don't have the time for it. 

Don't send something once a year about how much you you have somehow missed us...when you've never met my children. Don't have a conversation one minute about how "messed up" I am...and then pull a crocodile smile when you see me. 

I don't know it all. But I know you and I know your type. I was manipulated for over 20 years of my life...I can promise you I won't allow it to continue.

"It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine"

So cheers to:
 Snapchat filters,
and 10 page papers...

That happen to be due the same day as my deadline at work and in my business.

Oh and cheers to this chick...who blogs instead of doing what she's supposed to be doing.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Lose Yourself

I feel lost a lot lately. I am constantly running and trying to keep everyone on track. 
Between the kids, the house, school, work, my business...girl can't keep anything straight.

It's a hard thing to constantly feel like you are failing in every aspect. Teachers tell you to get really good at a couple of things...they tell you to emphasize your strengths. They tell you NOT to try and do it all...because that's just not possible.

Part of me loves it. I work best in the face of adversity and stress. The things that I can accomplish on a day to day basis when I have nothing short of ridiculous.

But I'm not really happy. I feel like I'm always drowning...and my child isn't getting the best version of me that she could. She deserves better and I deserve better.

I've been thinking that maybe it is time for me to lose myself...but intentionally. Maybe it's time to take off some of the ridiculous pressure to be perfect. Lose the extra stress and try and learn how to just exist again. I don't know how to relax...I don't know how to just quietly be happy with the little things.

More park visits with my girl. Less cleaning.

More coffee with friends. Less working through lunch breaks.

More time with family. Less constant refreshing of my email.

It's not my job to take care of everyone all the time. It's not my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy at all times.

I'll do what I can. 

But not at the expense of ME.

Sunday, October 29, 2017


I don't play "pretty" on this blog.

It is what it is...I am what I am.

And right now I am struggling hard.

I can't explain it more than that...I'm just struggling.

Life is swirling in a whirlwind around me and I'm just trying desperately to stay afloat.

But in the middle of that chaos today I was reminded of something.

I am a warrior.
I am a badass.
I have overcome more than a lot of people understand.

I am doing my damndest...even if I suck at it.

I'm struggling and it's no secret.
But I want better.