"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Baby steps

This "daddy issues" life never gets easier.

Every day things set you back and kind of kick you when you're down.

Holiday time...that kick gets a little more brutal. Stupid things eat at you to your core.

But tonight I'm focusing on really basic baby steps.

The situation is never going to change. I am always going to feel that void where my father should be. Only I get to decide what comes of it.

Merry Christmas <3

Thursday, November 30, 2017

She's still mine

As I sat down to finally type all of the things that have been in my head lately..."She Used To Be Mine" came on. A song that I am so BEYOND in love with. It hits me hard in the gut...look it up if you don't know it.

I came here to talk about how terrible of a friend I have been...and how crappy I feel about my inability to keep up with anyone else right now. This is such an insane time in my life...that I'm not giving anyone the amount of attention that they deserve. I thought about a friend today and almost texted her. Want to know why I didn't? Because I was so afraid we would start talking about something or that I would let her down by then disappearing again for two weeks. Unintentionally...but it almost seemed easier and better for both of us for me to wait.

But this song reminded me again...bring back the fire. Bring back the damn badass attitude I usually have. This month has been SO crazy. I have a ten page paper less than 24 hours and I'm sitting here writing instead because I feel like my brain needed a chance to unload.


I don't even know how to process this month in my head. There have been so many things going on...but one in particular that I want to talk about.

I quietly started a business back in February or March of this year. We had been using oils in our household for almost 3 years and we had seen what they accomplished for our family. I was able to learn to balance myself and my mental status without medications. Which if anyone knows me...well you will understand what that meant to me. I stopped needing antibiotics and steroids every month...and was able to cut it down to a few times a year. My baby has never been on antibiotics. Do you understand that? A baby with a mom who has 0 immune going on almost TWO YEARS of never needing antibiotics. Take that as you will.

But that wasn't my point. Here's my point.

Over the last few years...I have lost some friends. Every day I am learning more and more to cut out toxic people and stop giving them these huge parts of me. I'm learning to focus my energy on the people that deserve it...and that give me the same amount of energy. But honestly as the year started...I was feeling so alone. SO alone. New full time...never seeing my husband...I just felt like I was killing myself and losing who I was. I was struggling with PPD...literally just everything felt like an uphill battle and I was so so tired.

Then some time around that time...I lost one of my jobs. Half of my paycheck down the drain.
It. Murdered. Me.
I'm not sure I've never felt so panicked.

So I finally said screw it. I tried out this business (yea you're thinking, so you added something ELSE to your plate???). But what I found was SO much more. I got a business (which I will address in a minute)...and I got three best friends. I got a purpose...and I got something that I enjoy doing.

I felt like every day I was accomplishing something. Making people healthier, giving them relief from things they had been struggling with, introducing some of them to a business too. Everything about it just made me feel so good.

I found three people from different parts of my life...and we became SO close. We talk EVERY single day. We share big news with each other before we tell anyone else. We laugh, we make fun of each other, we cry...they are seriously my best friends. I wish we had had the chance to get closer earlier in life...because I've never felt quite so supported as I do with them in my corner.

This month...we were expected to hit around $2500 in sales total. We are topping out around $5500. We more than DOUBLED our business in a matter of days. And if you don't understand what some determined women can do when they buckle should see our numbers.

I haven't pulled my head out of my computer or phone in days. And tomorrow we start all over again. But I am SO proud...and SO thankful to be a part of a strong team of women...of my best friends.

I don't know how better to explain it other than just saying I feel empowered again. I feel good about what I'm doing every day, I feel proud of what we have built, and I feel like I have a huge future to look forward to.

We are working so hard. If I'm not doing homework, I'm at the office. If I'm not at the office, I'm working at home. If I'm not working at home I'm cleaning, chasing a toddler, driving taxi for the teenager, or SLEEPING.

So if you take nothing else from this writing...take this. I am sorry. I'm sorry I've been a bad friend. Know that I truly care, and that I am working my ass off right now so that one day soon I will be able to take all the time I need for my family, and for my friends. I am in survival mode. I'm killing it...but I'm just inches away from failure. There is no time for second guessing or relaxing. There will just isn't now.

I'm doing my best. And sometimes my best isn't that great.

Do me a favor and grant me some grace in the meantime.

And a quick side bar for those that are watching from a distance. Yea. You. The person that comes here, reads, and then turns around to talk about how ridiculous I am...and how this blog is stupid. I see you. I see what you are doing. I hear about it.

But please know something. This isn't about you. It's not about your opinion. Hatred builds hatred...and I don't have the time for it. 

Don't send something once a year about how much you you have somehow missed us...when you've never met my children. Don't have a conversation one minute about how "messed up" I am...and then pull a crocodile smile when you see me. 

I don't know it all. But I know you and I know your type. I was manipulated for over 20 years of my life...I can promise you I won't allow it to continue.

"It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine"

So cheers to:
 Snapchat filters,
and 10 page papers...

That happen to be due the same day as my deadline at work and in my business.

Oh and cheers to this chick...who blogs instead of doing what she's supposed to be doing.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Lose Yourself

I feel lost a lot lately. I am constantly running and trying to keep everyone on track. 
Between the kids, the house, school, work, my business...girl can't keep anything straight.

It's a hard thing to constantly feel like you are failing in every aspect. Teachers tell you to get really good at a couple of things...they tell you to emphasize your strengths. They tell you NOT to try and do it all...because that's just not possible.

Part of me loves it. I work best in the face of adversity and stress. The things that I can accomplish on a day to day basis when I have nothing short of ridiculous.

But I'm not really happy. I feel like I'm always drowning...and my child isn't getting the best version of me that she could. She deserves better and I deserve better.

I've been thinking that maybe it is time for me to lose myself...but intentionally. Maybe it's time to take off some of the ridiculous pressure to be perfect. Lose the extra stress and try and learn how to just exist again. I don't know how to relax...I don't know how to just quietly be happy with the little things.

More park visits with my girl. Less cleaning.

More coffee with friends. Less working through lunch breaks.

More time with family. Less constant refreshing of my email.

It's not my job to take care of everyone all the time. It's not my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy at all times.

I'll do what I can. 

But not at the expense of ME.

Sunday, October 29, 2017


I don't play "pretty" on this blog.

It is what it is...I am what I am.

And right now I am struggling hard.

I can't explain it more than that...I'm just struggling.

Life is swirling in a whirlwind around me and I'm just trying desperately to stay afloat.

But in the middle of that chaos today I was reminded of something.

I am a warrior.
I am a badass.
I have overcome more than a lot of people understand.

I am doing my damndest...even if I suck at it.

I'm struggling and it's no secret.
But I want better.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Panic attack- I don't think it means what you think it means

Sitting here at my desk, trying to eat lunch...and suddenly something is terribly wrong.

I mean sweat on the back of my neck, heart racing, watching the doorway, heavy chest...something is really really wrong.

Ever had that feeling when your intuition is SCREAMING that you need to DO something? Someone is hurt, you forgot something really important, one of your kids is in danger? Or the feeling when you see a car flying through a red light headed right towards you?

That's the feeling we're talking about. Without the ability to process fight or flight. Frozen with that feeling.

Here's the thing. I function REALLY well under extreme stress. To the point that when I'm not super stressed body doesn't know how to work the right way. When something is truly wrong...I can handle it. I can handle it calmly and am the first to fix an emergency. Ask anyone that knows me. Serious problem? Katt's got it covered.

Minor issues, basic overall stress level? I'm a mess. My body LITERALLY doesn't know how to function in a way that isn't rush/panic mode. My adrenaline likes to kick into hyper drive for NO apparent reason.

It's like the sitcom you love...everything is going so well for all of the characters, must be time to add some drama.

This phenomenon creates a break between my body and my brain. My body is PANICKED. It doesn't know why. I don't know why. It just is. It is screaming "RUN! EVERYTHING'S ON FIRE! GO FIX IT. HURRY!"

Meanwhile my brain is sitting over here like "What the hell dude. Nothing is wrong. CHILL. For real...stop being such a drama queen." brain and body don't communicate very well.

It creates this inner clash that confuses all of my senses. A horrible rush that will suddenly let down. And when it does...tears. Almost always. Let me remind you again...there is typically no reason for it. No logical explanation for why I freaked out in the first place, and nothing to "cry about." But when your body gets that massive shot of a hormone out of nowhere, and then it's just gone...there's a huge gap in your consciousness.

I usually get really foggy afterwards. Have a hard time concentrating, get really exhausted. The whole ordeal takes a lot out of a person.

Now what's my point of posting this?

Remember patience. We have no idea what battles other people are fighting internally. If you know someone who ever has a weird behavior and they tell you to leave them it. Have a conversation about it when they aren't actively going through it. Make sure you know what they you can let them process in their own time.

It is so hard and so tiring when these things happen. It's remarkably hard to get moving again with any shred of sanity.

Just because you can't see it...doesn't mean it's not happening. Just because the person isn't huffing into a bag and rocking back and forth in a corner...doesn't mean they aren't struggling. A panic attack isn't what they show in the movies...where someone starts screaming and shaking. I've had a few that honestly just feel like a heart attack that lingers for ten minutes. Thank God the people in my life know by now...and give me time to reset.

Learn about each other. Patience.

Don't ever ever ever judge or chastise someone for something that you don't understand.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

When PTSD is a real bitch

I read this story today...and it rocked my world.

Arson, sugar in gas tanks, divorce...

This could have been us. It almost was.

Please say a prayer or put up some good thoughts for this family. These things happen so often. Don't be naive to think that they don't.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Don't miss the memo

Today...someone said that I needed to "stop pretending like I am perfect." Now. They didn't say this to my face...they said it in private to someone that is luckily a friend of mine.

What is INSANE about that just moments before getting that message...I had written a post on Facebook about how I was a hot mess express with a one way ticket to Epic Failure.

Here's the deal guys...
if you have read this blog or my Facebook feed...
and you still think that I'm under the impression that I'm perfect...
you've been really missing the memo.

I. Am. A. Disaster.
As in...walk of fame...complete...utter...mess of a human...DISASTER

Some days I am Supermom. 

-I pack lunches, eat healthy, go to the gym, get my kid in bed on time, chat with my friends, pick up the groceries, clean the house, do homework, work my job, and work on my business.

(Oh my god. Did you believe that? I mean seriously did you? 
Because if you did...who the hell do you think I am?!)

That's not true at all. I can basically pick from like 5 of those things mentioned above. On a really good day...maybe 7. On a bad day? Ha. I sit in bed with Emma and watch Friends pretending like my world isn't crumbling around me.

Lately I have seen SO MANY PEOPLE that promote positivity and wellness and happiness...

They get up on these high horses and while masking it under a veil of "motivation" they basically say "my life is just as hard as yours, you suck because you can't keep up, try harder." 

I'm sorry (no I'm not). But WHAT THE HELL is that all about? 

You can be motivating with tough love...while still showing grace and love for your fellow mom (or woman/man/neighbor/whatever).

If you act like you never complain and are never negative and never have days that you suck at life...?
You're a big fat liar. 
End of story. 
You are so miserable with your life that you are making others feel worse because they aren't perfect.

Yup. I said it. 

Stop it.

Now...on that note and back to my original point...

Apparently I behave/speak in a way sometimes that makes people think that I am perfect (or that I think I am). I'm not 100% sure where that came from, although I am completely open to hearing ideas. Because that has never (and will never) be "my thing."

I SUCK. I mean. I do my best. I bust my ass on an (almost) daily basis. 
But I am still massively failing at this whole life thing. 

***Edited to add...this is NOT where I'm secretly hoping for comments about how great I am and how I don't suck and blah blah blah. I really don't want that. I just want to be SUPER clear here.***

We all suck. 

No seriously. 

We are all rockstars and we all suck at the same time. 

Confused yet?

Pay close attention here. I have strengths and weaknesses. Very clear ones.

  • I am SO good at maintaining school and work. I am a professional. I work a full time job that I am damn good at...and I push myself to some stupid level with my schoolwork. Even when I feel like I'm drowning...I'm usually doing pretty well. I juggle well.

  • I am a rockstar in my marriage. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for the man I am lucky enough to call my husband. I truly do my best to love the hell out of him. We make a conscious effort to spend at least one night a week together without kids or responsibilities. Because that's how our relationship is. It spent the first 16 months surviving on Skype and letters. We NEED time to be us. also needs to be said that I am a rockstar in my marriage...because my husband is Superman to me. I truly believe that he is a better man than I am a woman...and a better father than I am a mother. That is not being self is me striving to be the kind of woman he deserves. He makes me feel like I could walk on the sun unscathed. He is my kind of superhero. 

  • I am the best friend that I can be. I'm not great at the day to day...but you can be damn sure that in a crisis I will be the first person next to you regardless of the circumstances. I am the friend that feels with you and hurts with you. But I'm also your biggest advocate...for any and all reasons. 

Now we hit the hard stuff. The stuff that it pains me to type. 

  • I am not a great mom. I said it. (And again, please don't jump to my defense to make me feel better...acknowledging it is what I do to try and get better). I don't know what I'm doing. I am short tempered, and I do not spend the moments that I should soaking up the sweet little girl in the other room. I am constantly feeling guilt because I know damn well I'm not doing everything I could for her. She learns new things and it hurts me when I miss it. I hear about the great day she had with my husband and my heart breaks a little bit. Because when I spent the day with her two days before...I prayed for bedtime. I got stressed and angry when she acted like a toddler. And that sucks. I need to get better...and I am trying to get better. I wished so long for a child...and was so insanely blessed to get her...I need to be better. She deserves a mom who goes to the park instead of working. She deserves a mom who gets up and makes finger paints...instead of the one who struggles to get through one book. 
  • I am not good at keeping up with my house. I am trying so hard...but the second I feel on top of things...I see more hair rolling across the floor. The office is a disaster, the garage is clean for two seconds, my car needs a massive cleaning. My laundry is piled up on my dresser 95% of the time. It makes me crazy, it adds to my anxiety...but I truly can't keep up. And the nights where I could be catching up...I'm sitting here writing instead.

  • My business is struggling. It is struggling because I am struggling. I have grand plans, and things that I am trying so hard to do. But I don't seem to be doing the right things. It's a slow growth. But it's still growth. I am NOT doing everything I could be. I know this. It sucks...and I want to. But it's something I am terrible at. No matter how many times I recommit and feel the fire for smothers itself.

  • My biggest weight. My health in general. Now...I will say that as of the last week or so...I think I have finally hit a breakthrough. But this is a HUGE struggle for me. Now...I do fast food MAYBE once a month. And even that is probably pushing it. I meal prep weekly, I do my best to be active...but I gained about 50 pounds after Emma. It started as a hormone thing, and now nothing seems to be fixing it. It is so beyond frustrating...that it literally haunts my dreams and my thoughts during the day. I feel crappy all the time. Physically and emotionally. I get angry when I am seemingly doing all that I can...but nothing is happening. At the same time...I could be doing more. I choose not to because I have a limit. 

Even the good things in my life aren't perfect.

But you can be damn sure that when I feel like every stupid thing around me is falling apart...
I will do my best to put a positive spin on it. 

Because I have seen worse. And because there are too many people dealing with the same things that are too afraid to talk about it...or think that they are the only ones. 

Women who are fighting to put themselves through school while working: I see you. You can do it. It blows, it's exhausting, and it's OKAY to sit on the couch tonight and binge watch Netflix.

Females whose hormones took a whooping and can't loose the weight: I see you. You could join some workout club and lose the weight in 4 months, eating chickpeas and alfalfa sprouts. Or you could do your best to get yourself healthy slowly, and have cheat days where you eat Chipotle and a burger.

Moms who are pretty sure they suddenly weren't cut out for this motherhood thing, despite their planning: I see you. I don't care how much of a miracle, or how happy you are to be a mom...this shit is HARD. Some days it is literally impossible. Go be a Pinterest mom one day and watch your kid reenact Moana at 2 years old the next day. Do you.

Everyone who sees that one person on Faceook that has all their shit together and feels like shit because of it: I FREAKIN SEE YOU. Quick hint...that person doesn't have their shit together. all. They say they do to feel better. Only way to stop it? Be honest about you. Show allllllll those flaws of yours. Eventually people will understand that it's more fun to be an epic disaster than it is to be perfect.

Yea I said it. 

I'm an epic disaster. 

But it got me all this happiness and crap so it's gotta hold some merit right?