"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Don't miss the memo

Today...someone said that I needed to "stop pretending like I am perfect." Now. They didn't say this to my face...they said it in private to someone that is luckily a friend of mine.

What is INSANE about that just moments before getting that message...I had written a post on Facebook about how I was a hot mess express with a one way ticket to Epic Failure.

Here's the deal guys...
if you have read this blog or my Facebook feed...
and you still think that I'm under the impression that I'm perfect...
you've been really missing the memo.

I. Am. A. Disaster.
As in...walk of fame...complete...utter...mess of a human...DISASTER

Some days I am Supermom. 

-I pack lunches, eat healthy, go to the gym, get my kid in bed on time, chat with my friends, pick up the groceries, clean the house, do homework, work my job, and work on my business.

(Oh my god. Did you believe that? I mean seriously did you? 
Because if you did...who the hell do you think I am?!)

That's not true at all. I can basically pick from like 5 of those things mentioned above. On a really good day...maybe 7. On a bad day? Ha. I sit in bed with Emma and watch Friends pretending like my world isn't crumbling around me.

Lately I have seen SO MANY PEOPLE that promote positivity and wellness and happiness...

They get up on these high horses and while masking it under a veil of "motivation" they basically say "my life is just as hard as yours, you suck because you can't keep up, try harder." 

I'm sorry (no I'm not). But WHAT THE HELL is that all about? 

You can be motivating with tough love...while still showing grace and love for your fellow mom (or woman/man/neighbor/whatever).

If you act like you never complain and are never negative and never have days that you suck at life...?
You're a big fat liar. 
End of story. 
You are so miserable with your life that you are making others feel worse because they aren't perfect.

Yup. I said it. 

Stop it.

Now...on that note and back to my original point...

Apparently I behave/speak in a way sometimes that makes people think that I am perfect (or that I think I am). I'm not 100% sure where that came from, although I am completely open to hearing ideas. Because that has never (and will never) be "my thing."

I SUCK. I mean. I do my best. I bust my ass on an (almost) daily basis. 
But I am still massively failing at this whole life thing. 

***Edited to add...this is NOT where I'm secretly hoping for comments about how great I am and how I don't suck and blah blah blah. I really don't want that. I just want to be SUPER clear here.***

We all suck. 

No seriously. 

We are all rockstars and we all suck at the same time. 

Confused yet?

Pay close attention here. I have strengths and weaknesses. Very clear ones.

  • I am SO good at maintaining school and work. I am a professional. I work a full time job that I am damn good at...and I push myself to some stupid level with my schoolwork. Even when I feel like I'm drowning...I'm usually doing pretty well. I juggle well.

  • I am a rockstar in my marriage. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for the man I am lucky enough to call my husband. I truly do my best to love the hell out of him. We make a conscious effort to spend at least one night a week together without kids or responsibilities. Because that's how our relationship is. It spent the first 16 months surviving on Skype and letters. We NEED time to be us. also needs to be said that I am a rockstar in my marriage...because my husband is Superman to me. I truly believe that he is a better man than I am a woman...and a better father than I am a mother. That is not being self is me striving to be the kind of woman he deserves. He makes me feel like I could walk on the sun unscathed. He is my kind of superhero. 

  • I am the best friend that I can be. I'm not great at the day to day...but you can be damn sure that in a crisis I will be the first person next to you regardless of the circumstances. I am the friend that feels with you and hurts with you. But I'm also your biggest advocate...for any and all reasons. 

Now we hit the hard stuff. The stuff that it pains me to type. 

  • I am not a great mom. I said it. (And again, please don't jump to my defense to make me feel better...acknowledging it is what I do to try and get better). I don't know what I'm doing. I am short tempered, and I do not spend the moments that I should soaking up the sweet little girl in the other room. I am constantly feeling guilt because I know damn well I'm not doing everything I could for her. She learns new things and it hurts me when I miss it. I hear about the great day she had with my husband and my heart breaks a little bit. Because when I spent the day with her two days before...I prayed for bedtime. I got stressed and angry when she acted like a toddler. And that sucks. I need to get better...and I am trying to get better. I wished so long for a child...and was so insanely blessed to get her...I need to be better. She deserves a mom who goes to the park instead of working. She deserves a mom who gets up and makes finger paints...instead of the one who struggles to get through one book. 
  • I am not good at keeping up with my house. I am trying so hard...but the second I feel on top of things...I see more hair rolling across the floor. The office is a disaster, the garage is clean for two seconds, my car needs a massive cleaning. My laundry is piled up on my dresser 95% of the time. It makes me crazy, it adds to my anxiety...but I truly can't keep up. And the nights where I could be catching up...I'm sitting here writing instead.

  • My business is struggling. It is struggling because I am struggling. I have grand plans, and things that I am trying so hard to do. But I don't seem to be doing the right things. It's a slow growth. But it's still growth. I am NOT doing everything I could be. I know this. It sucks...and I want to. But it's something I am terrible at. No matter how many times I recommit and feel the fire for smothers itself.

  • My biggest weight. My health in general. Now...I will say that as of the last week or so...I think I have finally hit a breakthrough. But this is a HUGE struggle for me. Now...I do fast food MAYBE once a month. And even that is probably pushing it. I meal prep weekly, I do my best to be active...but I gained about 50 pounds after Emma. It started as a hormone thing, and now nothing seems to be fixing it. It is so beyond frustrating...that it literally haunts my dreams and my thoughts during the day. I feel crappy all the time. Physically and emotionally. I get angry when I am seemingly doing all that I can...but nothing is happening. At the same time...I could be doing more. I choose not to because I have a limit. 

Even the good things in my life aren't perfect.

But you can be damn sure that when I feel like every stupid thing around me is falling apart...
I will do my best to put a positive spin on it. 

Because I have seen worse. And because there are too many people dealing with the same things that are too afraid to talk about it...or think that they are the only ones. 

Women who are fighting to put themselves through school while working: I see you. You can do it. It blows, it's exhausting, and it's OKAY to sit on the couch tonight and binge watch Netflix.

Females whose hormones took a whooping and can't loose the weight: I see you. You could join some workout club and lose the weight in 4 months, eating chickpeas and alfalfa sprouts. Or you could do your best to get yourself healthy slowly, and have cheat days where you eat Chipotle and a burger.

Moms who are pretty sure they suddenly weren't cut out for this motherhood thing, despite their planning: I see you. I don't care how much of a miracle, or how happy you are to be a mom...this shit is HARD. Some days it is literally impossible. Go be a Pinterest mom one day and watch your kid reenact Moana at 2 years old the next day. Do you.

Everyone who sees that one person on Faceook that has all their shit together and feels like shit because of it: I FREAKIN SEE YOU. Quick hint...that person doesn't have their shit together. all. They say they do to feel better. Only way to stop it? Be honest about you. Show allllllll those flaws of yours. Eventually people will understand that it's more fun to be an epic disaster than it is to be perfect.

Yea I said it. 

I'm an epic disaster. 

But it got me all this happiness and crap so it's gotta hold some merit right?

Monday, October 2, 2017

"Never miss a Monday"

There is no other phrase that irritates me more than..."never miss a Monday."

Usually because I see it used by online "inspirational coaches" that are really just guilting you into the fact that you didn't do your workout or you let another day go by not being Facebook perfect.

But here's the deal...I am a TERRIBLE mother/person/business owner/wife on Mondays. No seriously, I'm terrible. I am usually trying to pick up the pieces from the weekend, I'm working from home with a tantrum throwing toddler, and I barely move from the couch or wherever my work phone is.

I suck on Mondays. Today...Emma wore her pajamas all day until she covered herself in chili at dinner and I wiped her down just to put on another pair of pajamas. We didn't leave the house. I didn't work out. I ate whatever I wanted to and didn't brush my hair. I was entirely too tired to do anything to be honest...and by the time Emma went to bed, I had enough energy left for work or for a shower.

Part of that is my overall health. If you don't get it...lucky you. But until you've experienced this kind of exhaustion that you can't control...stop guilt tripping people for doing all that they can to get by.

Back to my original point. I have decided that I won't "miss a Monday" anymore. But I don't mean I will make sure my week is off to the *perfect* start. I mean...I will worry about self care on Mondays. I will never miss time feeling terrible because Monday didn't work out the way that I wanted it to. And I will start over on Tuesday. I will accept that Mondays suck around here for now and that not one person behind the endless inspirational quotes on Facebook is admitting their shortcomings. Life isn't that easy...ever.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Let's be honest

I'm currently sitting here struggling to write an 8-10 page paper on my ethical model...and decision making.

How do you write "my father was a jackass that I strive to be absolutely nothing like" into a paper?

What words do you use to explain that your "ethical model" is very simply...being a better parent than he was, being a better person than he was, and not hurting people.

Really. It's that simple.

Don't. Hurt. People.

That sounds asinine. But the assignment is to explain your ethical model...and that's really all I can come up with.

Well that and "don't be an asshole."

So here's to hoping my professor has not only a sense of humor...but also appreciates my attitude for what it is worth. Because I haven't held back before now and I don't plan to start now.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Living in calm

This is going to be short and sweet.

Tonight I had coffee with a friend who needed someone to talk to. I think we all forget too quickly that there are so many other people out there that need a sounding board...and that are dealing with similar situations. It's nice to remember that we aren't alone. And I speak for myself as well when I say that.

Anyways...I didn't get home until after 8 pm. And when I did...

Dishes were done
Laundry was running
Floors were swept
One child was ready for bed
Homework was done

The house was calm.

It reminded me of the simple things...and how lucky I am to have the marriage partnership that I do. It's not about the big's about being able to take time for myself and others...and not worry about my home or kids. It's about having a long day and coming home to peace.

I spent half of my life living in chaos...and I will never take that serenity (or the man behind it) for granted.

Monday, September 18, 2017

The 20th of September

It's that stupid day again. The day of the year where no matter how great things are going in my life, and no matter how healed I feel..I suddenly revert back to a zombified idiot. I can't concentrate, I'm mad at the world for no logical reason and I just feel like the world is crashing down around me.

Now why is it that one day...the date of something...cause me to lose my mind? It doesn't make sense to a logical person. Nothing bad is happening one is hurting me...but I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It happens every year. You think it would get better in time...everyone says it does at least. Yet here we are 5 years later and it still feels like it happened a matter of days ago.

Maybe it's because it's all at the forefront of my brain today, when on other days I am sometimes blessed enough to forget it all. Either way, I'm not a fan of the constant nagging reminder that this time 5 years ago...I could barely pull myself up off the floor.

Well let's be fair. I couldn't stop cooking or cleaning...and then I took off to an island for a week of vacation that I was barely conscious for.

Not exactly "healthy" coping mechanisms. Let alone things I could (or would) do now.

Real life conversation in my kitchen earlier:
Me- "I kinda want to go to the casino and make a lot of money. Simply so I can bet it on his birthday or something. That way...when I lose...I have another reason to be mad at him again."
Me- "Is that unhealthy?"
Husband- "Yes..."

Here's the real deal. I don't have the answers. I am frustrated, I am still irrationally angry at my father, but I'm also remarkably hurt by the lost promises and the idea that I will never again get to talk to him. Then on the other hand...I still have no interest in talking to him, and I thank God daily that I no longer have to live in fear.

It's a strange thing living in fear. It's something that never leaves you. When it is that ingrained in your brain...and your body has spent 15 years watching every corner and every car that goes don't really know how to turn it off.

I try to. But it sneaks up on me sometimes, and then leaves me reeling. I am relieved that I no longer have a logical fear associated with that panic moment. I am relieved that when I feel that way...I can honestly tell myself that he is gone, and has no ability to continuously terrorize me and the people that I love.

Then days like today hit. I find myself replaying the moments from hell over the years and getting angry. I am so pissed off that some man was able to put so many people through so much incredible pain. As a mother...I commend my mother for not burying the man in a shallow grave down by the river.

I digress. The man caused pain that can never truly heal...and for that I'm not sure I can ever really forgive him. He had no remorse for the things that he did or the lives that he ruined. He was so intensely mentally ill and addicted that he was a shell of a person. With no real feelings or thoughts that weren't controlled by substances.

So why do I miss him? Why do days like today hurt my heart, and why do the words "my father died" still make me nauseous? Why can I usually have a normal conversation about him and how the experiences shaped me for the better...but then on days like today I can't explain what the day is without tearing up?

It's September 20th. I guess you could call it my "dark day."

Monday, September 11, 2017

It's your life

It's funny how the past sneaks up on you. 

And I don't mean the cutesy drawings you find from your grade school days...or the kid you teased on the bus becoming your boss. I'm not talking basic irony. I mean the big stuff. The moments or the people that pop back up into your life like a bat out of hell. The moments that kind of make your heart skip...and make you wonder if you have made the right decisions for yourself and for your kids.

The last two years have been weird. I was given this amazing gift in our daughter...a gift I never thought I would get. At the same time I lost 3 of my best friends in this world...and it changed my world. On a daily basis I question if we've made the right decisions as a family...if I made the right decisions as a person.

It's been a doozy of a week. Hell...I take that back. A doozy month. A lot of information that my brain isn't quite equipped to handle. I am taking care of a million things, and trying to keep this house running on my own. I am killing myself at work and running myself ragged running my business at home. I am exhausted, and my brain is overflowing. I have so much that I want to do, and so many things I'm trying to accomplish.

Tonight I had to stop myself. I had to realize that I am doing my best and I need to give myself a break. I want to write more for my own sanity...I wish my house was cleaner. I wish I was more caught up on schoolwork, and I wish I was a better friend that paid more attention to what the people around me are going through.



The things in the last two years...have happened for a reason. If I have any hope of keeping myself and this family going over the next 9 months...I have to stop kicking myself when I'm down. I push myself to a breaking point...and then push a little harder just to see if I can handle it. I have aspirations that are likely out of my reach...but I am going to push to hit them anyways. I want our kids to have a better life...I want them to see people working hard for what they want.

So here's the deal. I'm a mom and a bonus mom...who aspires to be as close to Lorelei Gilmore as possible. I'm a business owner that keeps notes and reminders written on her hands...and then showers forgetting they are there. I'm a wife that has a ridiculous crush on her husband...but has an attitude that gives the poor man a run for his money. I'm a student that can't keep up with basic tasks, but can write a 10 page paper during an after dinner cup of coffee.

I'm a walking contradiction...and I'm not perfect. But I am working my ass off. I'm trying to avoid an existential crisis while still keeping everyone in this house alive. I have unrealistic expectations for myself...but I'm willing to work hard enough that unrealistic becomes a reality.

I'm beyond lucky to have a partner that supports my insanity.

And I'm so thankful for all of those pieces of my past sneaking up to remind me of that. I have all of the things that I wanted and talked about for years...the love, the home, the kids...everything. And if we don't slow down for a second and realize the good things we have...we're going to miss our lives flying by.

Here's to the exhaustion. 
To the very late nights and the frustrating days. 
The endless to do lists and the laundry pile that never stops growing. 

Here's to toddlers that rip apart what you did just moments before, and the husbands that want attention at the worst times. 

Here's to learning to love every moment of the chaos...because it's your life. 

And here's to loving yourself because you're doing the absolute best you can.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Reality check

This has to be included in my last post of frustration.

I could truly not be happier with the amount of love in my life.

Sometimes you have to reality check yourself. 

Sometimes you have to remind yourself of the amazing love that surrounds you.