"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Monday, September 28, 2015

Cleaning house

I haven't been fair to myself lately...or to anyone else in my life. I have gotten unbelievably caught up in the stressful things and people around me...instead of all the amazing things that are happening.

I need to write more. I know it. I think of all these things I want to say...and then instead of sitting down and getting them out...I stuff them. I get irritable and then lose my mind.

This past weekend I cleaned the house for over 15 hours over two days. I hauled my pregnant behind into every nook and cranny and fixed everything I could find. I decorated, organized, swept, dusted, scrubbed, steam cleaned...all of it. It's quite possible you could eat off any surface in the house...hell you could probably conduct a surgical procedure with how sterile every surface is.

And I have to say...I felt like a badass when I finished. I felt like things in my life were finally under control. It's amazing how just getting everything situated inside...made all of the other things in life seem easier to handle. Hell, I even washed the inside and outside of my car.

No matter where I look in my house or car...things are under control. Suddenly it seems easier to get everything else under control.

I feel like sometimes I forget that calming myself and getting my nerves under control can be something so simple Starting at the bottom. Cleaning was tiring...but not "hard." And it changed so much going on in my head.

This next year is going to be amazing. I spend so much time stressing over every little thing that I don't realize how "freak-out" excited I should be. I plan a vacation...and I countdown to it for months. I get more and more excited as it gets closer.

Next year I am having a baby girl. I am getting married. Not to mention a few other little changes that will be happening that haven't quite been finalized. This next going to be completely amazing. But instead of counting down in excitement...I am panicking more and more. I am wondering how the heck we are going to afford it we are going to work out we are going to get along while we are both's all worry.

Until now. I'm starting my countdown, I'm starting my excitement. I'm focusing on positive things...because I refuse to accept that anything going on should be stressing me out.

Everything is amazing. I could not be happier with the man I get to spend the rest of my life with. Our little girl is healthy...and is going to be the cutest thing in the world (just look at her daddy). Our wedding is planned...and it's going to be perfect even when things fall apart (which they are bound to do). I have good friends here for me. Life is good.

And my house is clean.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Father's Day got a new meaning this year

Clearly Father's Day is not an easy day for me. Never has been and since he died it's only gotten worse. In the last few years it has gotten a bit easier as I have been able to celebrate my other half and the awesome father that he is.

But this year it got a new meaning. One I never thought would be possible. This year...I got to make my other half a father again.

The girl who was told she wouldn't have children...the eternal having a baby. January 13th, 2016...exactly 5 years to the day after I had my first devastating pregnancy loss.

I was sure I would never have a child unless through adoption. But God had other plans. Other amazing and beautiful plans.

So Happy Father's Day (and happy early birthday) to a man who is about to be a daddy to 2. Thanks for giving me a reason to celebrate this day.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The path of least pain

And in today's episode of vague crap because I can't be any more specific...

It's always worth the risk when you know that you did the right thing.

Even when the outcome hurts like hell.

Although I suppose hurt is better than not knowing.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

The black sheep

There is a large family gathering this weekend that I was unable to attend down south. My little sister was able to go, and it's nice to hear from her all the time she is getting with our family.'s not at the same time.

I used to have the life that she currently does. I got along great with my father's family...and I felt like the golden child. Poofy dresses, adoring grandmother...I could do no wrong. And then it all changed.

I distanced myself from my father for my own good. I slowly had to cut people out because I couldn't stand the criticism anymore. Trying to live up to someone's standards and failing miserably is an extremely tiring game to play.

And now my sister is one of the golden children. She gets the good grades, she's beautiful, and she's a really sweet kid. But I worry that one day she will get cut out like I did. Sure...there is definitely some jealousy involved...because I do miss being so adored. But more so I'm scared for her. Scared that she will do something or say something that will irritate the wrong person...and get her thrown into the downward spiral that I got thrown into.

It hurts...and it's confusing.

I have had an ongoing argument with myself for the last few months over who to invite to the wedding and who not to. I want my family there, I want to try and extend this olive branch for the 4 millionth time. But I'm also afraid that it will get snapped in half...again. I'm afraid of letting down my guard. And I'm afraid of letting go how much some people have hurt me.

I'm not afraid to say it. I want a sincere apology. I want certain people to feel horribly for how I've been treated. But that's something I know I will never get. I'm not sure I can be the bigger person and accept that.

I could sit here and speak only negativity regarding the whole situation (like I have so far)...but I won't. Yes...I am the "black sheep" of the family. I'm the kid that messed up over and over again. The kid who dropped out of college for a failing marriage. The kid who cut people out of her life unapologetically instead of "respecting" elders who treated her horribly. I'm the kid who spoke out against horrible things going on in her life instead sweeping it under the rug and ignoring it like our prestigious little family was supposed to do.

But I love who I am and why I've made the choices I have. I've learned who people really are. I made mistakes, and learned how to fix them. I made horrible choices...and paid for them. I continuously broke down, figured out how to build myself up, just to fall apart all over again. I speak out against the disaster that was my life in an abusive home.

I'm content with where I am. I have one family that couldn't be better to me. They have never judged, they have loved unconditionally, and they have listened to me when I needed a safe place. I have an amazing family that I'm building at home. A loving man, a beautiful step daughter, the perfect home...and a crazy life.

And yet there is still a hole where other family members sit that I can't seem to figure out. I don't know whether to patch it up...or try to refill it with relationships that have been nothing but toxic up until this point.

At what point does family stop being considered family...and at what point do you just stop trying?

College, drinks, and drugs

I recently had a group of students contact me via the blog email address requesting that I use a graphic that they created.

I was skeptical at first...until I looked at it.

Take a look for yourself...and help educate others. College can be an amazing can also be the gateway to serious problems down the line.

The best way to avoid becoming another statistic is to learn about it.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

The advice I will never give my sister

I have had fifteen million ideas for blog posts in the recent days. Not that any of them have come even close to fruition. I actually had a BRILLIANT post in my head while I was trying to fall asleep two nights ago and I realized it was something that I had to write about.

Then I fell asleep...
...and completely forgot it the next day. 

So then I had a new idea. A post about my (no-so) little sister. 

My sister is about a decade younger than I am...and it has made seeing each other a real challenge. Especially after our father died there always seemed to be a real disconnect. I was trying to take care of myself and provide for my household...while she was enjoying school and twirling baton. It's been a hard gap to successfully bridge. 

She recently turned 15 (which is completely insane to me)...and we got together for brunch. Sunday brunch once every month/two months sometimes seems like the only way to see each other. Even when we have days planned...things always seem to come up at the last minute (typically on my part). But about a week ago we got together and ate, and then just hung out for a bit sitting in her driveway as I went to drop her off. 

Rarely does she ask too many questions about our father, and I can't blame her. The saying "ignorance is bliss" was said for a rings true quite frequently. Especially in stressful situations...and times when things are's better to not know. It's better to not have specifics, and sometimes it's better to pretend like what you don't know isn't there. After all, isn't there the whole saying about "what they don't know can't hurt them"? usual I reminded her during our conversation that if there's anything she ever wants to know...I will tell her. I will be honest, and I will explain anything that she wants to better understand. However I also warned her that there may be things that she will later wish she didn't know...and to tread carefully. 

She was quiet for a moment clearly thinking hard about something and it made me nervous. I didn't want to have to give upsetting information. I didn't want to shatter the good ideas she had about our father.

But what she asked surprised me. 

No dirty details.

No hard questions.

Just one simple request: to take her to the waterfall she had seen in my pictures, where I spread his ashes last year. The waterfall that I grew up traveling to with him.

I thought about trying to schedule a time soon that I could take her...when I realized that it was a Sunday...that neither of us had plans...and considering it's an Ohio was a lovely day. So I sent her inside for boots and junky clothes.

The next two hours were awesome. We climbed up and down massive cliffs. We tromped around in the river and (I) got soaked. We took pictures, sat on ledges, and just sat around. 

It was a gorgeous day. A day to reconnect, and remember why I really do love being the big sister.

 All we were doing that day was chasing a waterfall. But to us it seemed to be a lot more. 

A waterfall that has seen a lot of history...

And unlike any other girl from the 80's or 90's...
I will never tell my little sister to stop chasing waterfalls.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Pretty much you need to read this...immediately

A friend posted this the other day...and I have a hard time putting into words just how awesome it is. And I'm not sure she even realizes how awesome.

My hard day is Father's Day obviously...but the range of emotions she discusses is spot on. She's clearly better adjusted than I I still struggle with seeing others happy with their parents. But this is certainly a must read for everyone.

Like I said the other day...this ladies and brave:

Pardon My Blonde: Mother's Day Minus Mother: As you all know, Mother’s Day is approaching. Since when is it almost the middle of April, let alone almost May? It may seem a little early ...