"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Monday, November 2, 2015


So last week I had the pleasure of finding a Facebook post of "cardboard confessions" of domestic violence survivors detailing some of their struggles. They were touching, shocking, and brave.

I was able to contact the wonderful photographer and then all of these amazing people who participated. The post went viral in one day, reaching millions of people. I decided that this is exactly what this blog is meant to highlight. The horrible things that happen to innocent people...and the recovery process.

I asked if I could use their photos and stories and a few agreed. Keep an eye out as I will soon post all of their photos (of those who agreed to participate)...and then I will be doing a weekly showcase on each of them a chance to further explain their story and recovery.

These are amazing men and women. Strong and badass men and women. It takes a lot to do what they are doing...but it's about time we broke the silence once and for all.

For all those who plan on leaving hateful comments...don't bother as they will be deleted. Don't waste your time...go educate yourselves instead. These things a part of the solution instead of the problem!

I will also have the photographers information on the following posts. Beautiful photos and talented woman! Looking forward to see her next project which is rumored to focus on PTSD. Which any of my readers knows...I will be on like white on rice.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Be the key. Not the prison guard.

"Your story could be the key that unlocks someone else's prison."

I read that quote today and my heart ached for a moment. I posted on Facebook less than a week ago about how speaking out about your past is a blessing for other people. I said I would never stop telling the stories from my past because the possibility of the stories helping others...far outweigh the negativity.

I can't count the number of times I've been told to "stop seeking attention" or to "keep private information private." It's gotten really old and there have been times I have really considered taking down the blog. I get sick of being mocked and being an easy target.

Lately anyone who follows the page has probably noticed I haven't posted at all. Part of that is being crazy busy. Work, school, baby, wedding, moving...we are stretched thin. But the other part of that is exhaustion. Negativity drains a person.

I find myself re-reading posts thirty times and then not posting them because I think about what some ignorant person is going to say about it.

That stops now. Negativity? Bring it on. The quote I posted really says it all. I needed to read that. For the 200 people saying nasty things...there may be 2 that you help. You may provide comfort and understanding to 1 person who was feeling lost alone and confused.

By far it's worth it.

If you are one being negative...I encourage you to stop. I encourage you to use all that negative energy for something good instead. Build somebody up instead of hiding behind your own insecurities.

Maybe something horrible has happened to you. Put it out there. Allow yourself to heal, allow yourself to connect to others experiencing it, allow yourself to become the support to someone else who needs it.

If we had more people speaking out...we would have more people healing.

I will say it again..."YOUR story may be the key that unlocks someone else's PRISON."

Don't be a skeptic. Be in recovery.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Presence...not presents

I'm sure this post will make more enemies than usual...but it needs to be said.

I got an email this morning from a family member who offered a savings bond for Emmalynne. This family member typically has no interest in being involved in my life...let alone my life with Nick or munchkin. This family member has made no effort to care about us or the life we are building. There is a long history between myself and my father's side of the I can't say that it shocks me there is so much distance.

But back on track. My first reaction was to agree to this savings bond as it would do so much for little one in the future. It would be great to have that money sitting for her as she heads off to college or buys her first house. But there is absolutely no way. I don't want our daughter to have a big fat check of guilt money. I want her to have family. I would prefer a million times over for her to struggle through college (or for us to struggle helping her) than have her live comfortably with money from someone who couldn't care less about her.

I want to be clear that this goes for everyone in our lives. Friends, family...everyone. If you don't want to be present in our child's life...we don't want your presents.

Maybe that sounds ungrateful or like I'm a spoiled brat. But I never want our child to learn that love is expressed through money or gifts. It is expressed through involvement and through actions. It is unconditional. NO matter what.

It is NOT expressed through savings bonds, checks, or expensive gifts.

And on another note...there are two children in this household. No matter the biological status, legal status, etc of them. They are both our children. Whether it be biological, step, adopted, foster...the children in this home will be treated equally. No excuses, no "buts" about it. If you have no interest in building a relationship with don't need to be involved with Emma. And that's the end of that.

Now after being so negative...I do want to mention how awesome most of my family has been with this. My family asks about both kids all the time. They want to be actively involved and they have been since day 1. We are blessed to have people that love our children. We are lucky to be in a family that has multiple step/adopted/equally loved kids running around.

They call and ask about the kids. They ask us to stop by, or they do their best to attend functions like ice skating lessons and karate class. They are present.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Cleaning house

I haven't been fair to myself lately...or to anyone else in my life. I have gotten unbelievably caught up in the stressful things and people around me...instead of all the amazing things that are happening.

I need to write more. I know it. I think of all these things I want to say...and then instead of sitting down and getting them out...I stuff them. I get irritable and then lose my mind.

This past weekend I cleaned the house for over 15 hours over two days. I hauled my pregnant behind into every nook and cranny and fixed everything I could find. I decorated, organized, swept, dusted, scrubbed, steam cleaned...all of it. It's quite possible you could eat off any surface in the house...hell you could probably conduct a surgical procedure with how sterile every surface is.

And I have to say...I felt like a badass when I finished. I felt like things in my life were finally under control. It's amazing how just getting everything situated inside...made all of the other things in life seem easier to handle. Hell, I even washed the inside and outside of my car.

No matter where I look in my house or car...things are under control. Suddenly it seems easier to get everything else under control.

I feel like sometimes I forget that calming myself and getting my nerves under control can be something so simple Starting at the bottom. Cleaning was tiring...but not "hard." And it changed so much going on in my head.

This next year is going to be amazing. I spend so much time stressing over every little thing that I don't realize how "freak-out" excited I should be. I plan a vacation...and I countdown to it for months. I get more and more excited as it gets closer.

Next year I am having a baby girl. I am getting married. Not to mention a few other little changes that will be happening that haven't quite been finalized. This next going to be completely amazing. But instead of counting down in excitement...I am panicking more and more. I am wondering how the heck we are going to afford it we are going to work out we are going to get along while we are both's all worry.

Until now. I'm starting my countdown, I'm starting my excitement. I'm focusing on positive things...because I refuse to accept that anything going on should be stressing me out.

Everything is amazing. I could not be happier with the man I get to spend the rest of my life with. Our little girl is healthy...and is going to be the cutest thing in the world (just look at her daddy). Our wedding is planned...and it's going to be perfect even when things fall apart (which they are bound to do). I have good friends here for me. Life is good.

And my house is clean.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Father's Day got a new meaning this year

Clearly Father's Day is not an easy day for me. Never has been and since he died it's only gotten worse. In the last few years it has gotten a bit easier as I have been able to celebrate my other half and the awesome father that he is.

But this year it got a new meaning. One I never thought would be possible. This year...I got to make my other half a father again.

The girl who was told she wouldn't have children...the eternal having a baby. January 13th, 2016...exactly 5 years to the day after I had my first devastating pregnancy loss.

I was sure I would never have a child unless through adoption. But God had other plans. Other amazing and beautiful plans.

So Happy Father's Day (and happy early birthday) to a man who is about to be a daddy to 2. Thanks for giving me a reason to celebrate this day.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The path of least pain

And in today's episode of vague crap because I can't be any more specific...

It's always worth the risk when you know that you did the right thing.

Even when the outcome hurts like hell.

Although I suppose hurt is better than not knowing.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

The black sheep

There is a large family gathering this weekend that I was unable to attend down south. My little sister was able to go, and it's nice to hear from her all the time she is getting with our family.'s not at the same time.

I used to have the life that she currently does. I got along great with my father's family...and I felt like the golden child. Poofy dresses, adoring grandmother...I could do no wrong. And then it all changed.

I distanced myself from my father for my own good. I slowly had to cut people out because I couldn't stand the criticism anymore. Trying to live up to someone's standards and failing miserably is an extremely tiring game to play.

And now my sister is one of the golden children. She gets the good grades, she's beautiful, and she's a really sweet kid. But I worry that one day she will get cut out like I did. Sure...there is definitely some jealousy involved...because I do miss being so adored. But more so I'm scared for her. Scared that she will do something or say something that will irritate the wrong person...and get her thrown into the downward spiral that I got thrown into.

It hurts...and it's confusing.

I have had an ongoing argument with myself for the last few months over who to invite to the wedding and who not to. I want my family there, I want to try and extend this olive branch for the 4 millionth time. But I'm also afraid that it will get snapped in half...again. I'm afraid of letting down my guard. And I'm afraid of letting go how much some people have hurt me.

I'm not afraid to say it. I want a sincere apology. I want certain people to feel horribly for how I've been treated. But that's something I know I will never get. I'm not sure I can be the bigger person and accept that.

I could sit here and speak only negativity regarding the whole situation (like I have so far)...but I won't. Yes...I am the "black sheep" of the family. I'm the kid that messed up over and over again. The kid who dropped out of college for a failing marriage. The kid who cut people out of her life unapologetically instead of "respecting" elders who treated her horribly. I'm the kid who spoke out against horrible things going on in her life instead sweeping it under the rug and ignoring it like our prestigious little family was supposed to do.

But I love who I am and why I've made the choices I have. I've learned who people really are. I made mistakes, and learned how to fix them. I made horrible choices...and paid for them. I continuously broke down, figured out how to build myself up, just to fall apart all over again. I speak out against the disaster that was my life in an abusive home.

I'm content with where I am. I have one family that couldn't be better to me. They have never judged, they have loved unconditionally, and they have listened to me when I needed a safe place. I have an amazing family that I'm building at home. A loving man, a beautiful step daughter, the perfect home...and a crazy life.

And yet there is still a hole where other family members sit that I can't seem to figure out. I don't know whether to patch it up...or try to refill it with relationships that have been nothing but toxic up until this point.

At what point does family stop being considered family...and at what point do you just stop trying?