What a crazy feeling. It's been over a decade since this blog was started...and over a year since I last posted.
Maybe that says something. I write when I feel that I need to. When I am bursting with some kind of emotion that I'm not handling well in my own head. For the last decade...that need to write/get it out has lessened exponentially. I feel ok. Well...better than ok. I feel good.
Tonight however...I am not dealing with my emotions well. I am angry.
My daughter has encountered a bully at school. One that not only is physically aggressive...but today broke something that meant a lot to my child. Intentionally. Stomped on it...after taking my child's backpack away from her.
My husband is at training...has been for about a month, and will be gone for awhile still. He sent our 6 year old a keychain to keep with her. It helps her think of him, and she immediately attached it to her bookbag so that she could "think of daddy every day and be happy."
This child decided to stomp and smash it today. Broke it into pieces.
When we talked about it, she then told me that this same child has physically hurt her multiple times. Kicks her chair during class, has slammed her arms into their desks...
So earlier today I was angry. I messaged the teacher to make her aware...and I was going to leave it at that. Mostly because I "didn't want to cause a fuss."
But tonight it occurred to me that me not making a fuss...is just allowing this to continue. It is making this behavior acceptable. WHY the hell don't I want to make a fuss when it comes to protecting my child?!
This is EXACTLY when you are supposed to make a fuss. As a mom this is exactly the moment I should be making a big deal and standing up for my child. Not because I want to make anyone's life/job harder...but because my kid is worth it. And because it is my job to teach her that these things matter...and someone will fight for her. That SHE should fight for herself.
Here is what stood out to me and what got me to writing. I am groomed to "be quiet." To stop disrupting things. I was taught in two separate ways to "let things go" and to walk away first. Don't cause an issue...it will bother someone. We need peace...right?
In one way I was taught that peace meant a happy drug addict. Don't create conflict, there might not be conflict.
On another side I was taught to not give power to a mentally ill person. A narcissist wants attention. A psychopath needs your reaction. They absorb power from your reactions. Take away the reaction...you take away their power.
But this is different. This is my child...and this is a situation in which I am done being quiet. It is time for a reaction. I have spent a year NOT reacting to the things they have dropped the ball on.
They LOST my 5 year old after school. Let her wander off campus...and had no idea where she was. I found her...and when I spoke to the principal...I APOLOGIZED for being upset.
Read that again.
The school lost my 5 year old. A child who can't even pick out her own matching clothes...or determine the appropriate coat for the day...and she disappeared at the end of the school day because they let her walk away at dismissal. When I found her...I marched back into the school ready to raise hell...and ended up apologizing. I made myself small in a moment that I should have been larger than life. The moment that every mom is ready for...the moment where a momma bear comes out...
Mine didn't.
Today I spent time intentionally calming myself down when my child was upset. While that concept has its merits...why am I trying so hard to calm down before addressing an issue? Why am I prefacing my reactions with "I'm sorry."
Here's the reality.
I am not sorry.
I am not letting these "little" things go.
My daughter is worth more. She needs to learn to advocate for herself, and she won't learn that if mom spends too much time making herself *small* to make others more comfortable.
The gift of fear.
The idea that we don't make ourselves smaller or quieter to make others comfortable.
It isn't our job to make you...or anyone else comfortable.
But it is absolutely my job to protect my kid.
