I was within 5 feet of Kenny Loggins yesterday. I watched
his sound check for a private show he was doing…and for almost an hour, got to
just stare and listen. I’m still beside myself…and I’m counting myself lucky
that I didn’t pass out when he walked into the room. My boyfriend is absolutely
amazing and gave me a head’s up that he was going to be in Cleveland
yesterday…so I hung around his work to see if I could get a glimpse. It was
beyond amazing…to a level that I can’t even put into words.
I
should probably give a little explanation as to why Kenny Loggins is someone I
idolize more than I can say. Between Kenny Loggins and James Taylor…I have some
crazy great memories of my dad. The good memories seem to be far and few
between these days…except when I hear music that reminds me of him. Those are
the few good memories…and something that still connects me to the dad I once
knew. They remind me of days on the boat, crazy nights by the bonfire in the
backyard, and the times where bands would practice in our basement. All 3
stories of his house would be SHAKING from “Footloose” or “I’m Alright”
blasting in the basement.
His
songs calm me down…and make me smile whether I like it or not. That is REAL
music…unlike the crap they put on the radio these days. Music that makes you
want to sing at the top of your lungs…and jump around dancing. I have an entire
Pandora station dedicated to Loggins…and I’ve had it on in the car and at home
for the last 24 hours nonstop.
I need
to focus on those good memories and I know it. I can feel myself drifting farther
and farther away from any kind of connection I held with my father. I can’t
tell if it’s a defense mechanism or if I’m honestly just losing compassion for
the situation. When I think about it, I get sad…but even more…I realize how
exhausted I am by the whole thing. This has been a long long fight. People keep
saying they can’t wait for the trial to be over…and it makes me want to scream.
I’m sure they want it over like I do…but this is so much more to some people.
It’s not just a trial…it’s a lifetime of hurt with no kind of validation. My
father hurt so many people in so many different ways…and never had to face
consequences. I lived with him for 15 years (give or take)…and never got any
kind of justice for the things that happened. This is finally the chance to see
that he isn’t invincible…and is finally being held accountable for what he’s
done.
Oh
well…I’m going in like 30 different directions on this post…and I’m not
entirely sure why. Maybe the coffee…yea probably the coffee.
Anyways…there
was something that I wanted to post about. It’s been on my mind since I was in
class last Thursday. It’s kind of a long story, but the main idea was something
a teacher did. I told her I needed to take a week off of class in October, and
I didn’t tell her why. I said it was a family obligation out of state…because I
didn’t see the need for her to know all of the details of my father’s trial.
This woman went on a tangent…about how it wouldn’t be an excused absence for
“vacation” and how I needed to take my classes more seriously. When I tried to
(calmly might I add) defend myself…she flew off the handle. She told me that I
was just a young girl…who was privileged and never had to work for anything
because I was “pretty.” I wanted to lose it on her. Wanted to yell right back
at her that the whole reason I had to take time off was so I could go to
Florida to watch my FATHER be sent to PRISON. But I didn’t. I didn’t go on
about always wondering if my father was going to make it another day without
attempting suicide again, or getting calls from reporters who want to know
about how much of a monster he is…hell I didn’t even tell her how it feels to
have to lie to my little brothers and sister so they don’t know that their
father is a psycho who had to be locked up. Instead I kept my mouth shut, and
walked out of the room. I returned later with my card with this website on
it…and told her to give it a look. If she still thought I was such a privileged
little girl that had never had to work hard or fight for anything after reading
it…I would be glad to withdrawal from her class.
I like
to share what has happened in my life not only because it helps me unwind and
process…kind of a therapy. But also because I hope that someone else will get
some kind of help from it. Whether that is knowing what NOT to do…or taking
inspiration from the fact that it DOES get better…I want to help. And I’ve
gotten so many emails, comments, etc. from people saying that is has helped
them in some way.
I put
on a strong happy front no matter what. Very rarely will people know that
something is wrong. Hell…many of my friends have no idea what’s going on with
my dad. No one in my classes knows, and I’m not one to go telling someone I
don’t know. Those who haven’t seen this
blog would have no way of knowing all the hell breaking loose in my family
life. In a way I’m thankful for that…but at the same time it gets frustrating
sometimes. I’ll go to give someone advice on something they’re going
through…and they don’t want to take me seriously…because after all, I’m 21,
what do I know? They have no idea that I’ve dealt with things and seen things
in the last 20 years that many never do. Now don’t get me wrong…I’m beyond
thankful for those experiences (as I’ve written about in the past) because it
has all gotten me to where I am, and has made me who I am. I have inner
strength because of it all, and it’s helped me fight through many situations
that others would have given up over.
My life
has been anything but perfect. Sometimes I forget (or don’t want to admit)
things that have happened. I block them out, and looking back on it, I feel
like I’m watching the movie of someone else’s life. But it was so worth it.
Look at my life now. If you take out the situation with my dad, prison, etc…it
really couldn’t be much better. I’m beyond blessed, and beyond thankful. A lot
of people say the “best days of your life” are in high school and when you’re a
kid. But I don’t believe it for a second. The best days of your life are when
you find yourself…and are comfortable in your own skin. When you finally allow
yourself to work hard, and play harder. Finding the balance between
responsibility and the things that make you happy. The day you take risks
because you see a better life around the corner…and you’re willing to fight for
it. That’s when you’re officially in those best days…and for me…that seems to
be right now.
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