The November struggle

So this entire year flew by in a way that I wasn't really expecting. Between the flood in our home, living in a hotel while it got fixed, finding out that our next baby was coming...things have been ridiculously fast paced.

I am struggling to grasp that we will have another baby in less than 3 months. I don't feel prepared at all. And on top of that...I don't feel mentally ready at all. My anxiety has been kicking up a notch, and I'm constantly envisioning these horrible scenarios (that won't ever happen). It's exhausting, and it's hard to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy.

Meanwhile...we are almost back to November. One of the roughest months in our household. My husband and I both have struggles with our past. Mine tends to flare in September, his dark month is November. It's a month that reminds me of the absolute hell he has overcome...but also that he is a human with extremely harsh memories.

It's strange to have two people in the same household with remarkably similar diagnoses...but completely different symptoms/struggles. It's hard to remind yourself that you don't understand what the other person is going through...despite understanding the basis of why they feel how they do. I understand the exhaustion and mental struggle...I don't understand the background or the emotional toll it takes.

PTSD is a real bitch. It turns past scenarios (or even made up scenarios) into real images in your head. It turns what would be a normal thought in one person, into an exhausting worry fest in your brain. It changes your outlook on things, it drains you of the little energy you have left, and it confuses your emotions.

I am thankful we both have our experiences. Our pasts pushed us to each other, and helped us find another person that has some understanding of how our history makes us better. We found a partner that appreciates those struggles instead of criticizing them.

Part of that is giving the other person time to process however they need to. Not trying to understand, not trying to fix...just giving them grace and your presence. The anniversary of my father's death this year...Nick didn't even realize what was wrong. I was short tempered, and tearful kind of all day. He obviously figured it out...but he never pushed. He never asked, he never got frustrated with me. He was just there.

I always want to fix, and I have to focus on not doing that. Being present and available when he needs it, without pushing things down his throat. These memories and the sadness are not things that can be fixed or processed away. Time will help dull them...but will never take them away.

So if you have someone in your life that struggles with their past...just keep those things in mind. We all process in our own way. We don't fully understand anyone else's fight. A good day could turn bad in seconds...and a bad day could be turned around with patience.

I'm just thankful going into this month that my survivor is willing to deal with it every day instead of falling to the past. Too many have been lost, and I'm thankful that he isn't one of them.

And for all of the 1/3...know that I'm here. You don't have to talk, I won't shrink your brain. But you're welcome in our home at any time...and my cell is available to every single one of you if you think you need it. I'm super awkward and inappropriate...so at the very least I can make completely ridiculous (and not funny) jokes to distract you for a bit. This world is better with you in it. Guaranteed.

And for your viewing pleasure...a super cute little girl excited to go to a dance with her hero.

22 a day is 22 too many. 

Reach out <3

Bachelors and babies

We did it! 

After almost 6 years of exhaustion, trying to maintain a marriage from a distance, and learning to parent by ourselves.

And it's over.

The husband graduated at the end of last month...and for the first time in forever, we can start to slow down. No more deployment. No more classes. No more late night studying and sleeping alone.

We are so proud, and so relieved. 

Boards this summer...and on to bigger and better things in the SICU come this fall. 

Then as a surprise ending to it all (because we truly don't know how to SLOW down...)

Offspring number 3 is coming your way January of 2019.

Apparently we REALLY love having kids in January. I vote annual family vacation to celebrate.

Less expense...more cocktails for momma.

It's a win win.

The married single mom

The last four years have been no walk in the park. They have tested me to my furthest point and they have been more exhausting than I could have imagined.

Or at least I thought they had.

Then our house fell apart. We woke up Easter morning to a disaster that not only caused thousands of dollars of damage in our plumbing...but also flooded our crawlspace.It shorted out our furnace and flooded our AC. As of right now...we have been without heat in our home for 12 days.

I have dealt with it.
Every. Single. Piece.

Every contractor. Every restoration team. Every insurance adjuster.

And I am drowning. 

I am so past the point of tired and overwhelmed...that I am straight into numb and confused.

Trying to keep a life together, a child healthy, animals in safe places...work, a business, school...FINANCES.

I am exhausted. I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. 

I am past numb. The more the bad news hits...the more I check out of the situation and just start to function on auto pilot.

I am a married single mom right now. I am on my own to deal with these things...and I thank God every day for my family and my best friends who have stepped up and stepped in to help me deal with this disaster. Never in my life will I forget how amazing some people have been. I am forever thankful.

But I am tired. 

I am struggling so hard to keep my head above water...and so far I'm doing it.

What scares me a little bit...is how easily it comes to me. Crisis management and the ability to juggle five thousand things at once without the slightest emotion...is kind of scary. I have a list, I have a timeline, I have an impossible problem to fix...and instead of turning to anyone else...I just handle it.

I have become too self sufficient. 

And before anyone gets all up in arms...this isn't meant as a "I'm so awesome and blah blah blah I don't need anyone else blah blah blah."

This situation honestly scares me.
I hold myself to standards that aren't attainable by any normal human.
I expect too much and don't allow myself to truly decompress.
Ever.

I grew up in a situation where I had to act fast...and not emotionally. I had to process things in my life quickly and safely. I had to navigate troubled waters on my own.

Here I am 15 years later...and I still don't know how to let someone help. I don't know how to not just fix the situation on my own. I run myself into the ground until I can't see straight...because it's what I know. I don't know how to turn it off.

I want to be vulnerable. I want to be able to turn things over and just walk away. I want to STOP worrying about every tiny detail of everything ALL THE TIME. I want help.

But I don't want to ask for it.

Some days I want to pull over on the side of the road and just scream my face off. I am so pushed to the point of exhaustion that I don't know how to rest. I don't know how to shut things down.

Maybe it's pride. Knowing that I CAN do everything that has to be done...is huge. My self worth and confidence comes from knowing that I am capable of "doing it all"...and doing it well.

But the exhaustion that comes from that is something that isn't sustainable. 

A hard lesson that I haven't learned yet...
You can't be everything to everyone all the time.

And because it has literally been on repeat for a week...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRP8d7hhpoQ

"Well baby I've been here before. I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. I used to live alone before I knew ya. And I've seen your flag on the marble arch...and love is not a victory march."

You fight.

So what do you do?

When you're pissed. Hurt. Upset. Mad at the world. Holding grudges on everyone that ever hurt you. Questioning everything that is happening around you.

What do you do?

You acknowledge the love. There is at least one person in the insanity that loves you no matter what. Find that person.

Then dig deep and find some stupid badass attitude that pulls you out of the negative.

What do you do?

You fight.

This life is going to beat you past the edges of your sanity.

Trust me. I know.

It is going to truly rock your world and ruin everything around you.

You are going to fight some battles that don't make sense and don't seem to have a solution.

And some nights you are going to feel so alone and like you have to do it all on your own.

You might be right.

But the reality is that you can handle it...and you will.

Know that it's okay to feel like the world is crumbling around you while you try to maintain your footing.

It's truly okay.

I am not in control.

I try to be and then life rocks me. I lose everything I thought I had...and we start over. 

Every single person in this world will let you down if you let them. And don't take that as some horribly negative thing. Just think about it.

You will create failures in those people if you want to see them. You will find a way to make their support a negative.

Your world will still crumble.

It's just going to happen.

Be strong enough to put it back together.

Every.

Single. 

Time. 

If you need to punch things, scream into a pillow, or go for a long walk alone...do it.

But do it...and then

put yourself back together.

Fight.

I don't have time for meaningless

It has come to my attention lately that I am cutting things and people left and right. It's not really intentional...I just find myself not caring about the things that I did before. There are relationships that I'm too tired to keep working for. I have been putting crazy amounts of energy into people that are sucking the life out of me.

Worst part...I didn't even realize I was doing it. I thought the opposite...that I had a good balance of fighting for those that deserved it...and letting go of the ones that didn't.

Until I got too tired.

When I got too tired...I just stopped. Completely. I reached out to some people occasionally...but when the response was non-existent or less than true effort...I just stopped responding.

I'm not fighting stupid fights anymore. I get frustrated with school or other stupid things...and I just don't have the energy to care.

The things that mean something to me...I will fight to the death for.

The other things...I'm truly starting to walk away from.

I want my happy. And I'll do anything to keep it.

I want the things that mean something.
And only those things.

My family is so amazingly beautiful. The family in my home...and the extended family that we choose to surround ourselves with. I run a business that I love...with people I enjoy working with. I have an amazing full time job...that feels more like working with family than anything.

I am still working towards healing and choosing healthy love. Every day I have to avoid falling back into bad habits and giving myself to people that don't deserve it. I have to remember that some people truly aren't worth it...blood or not. My household needs my attention, my work needs my attention...I need MY attention.

I don't have time to be unhappy.
I don't have time for frustration.
I don't have time for meaningless.

6 years

6 years and 1 day ago I was still anonymous.

I was still some random person on the internet going on about whatever my heart desired.

And then on a whim I decided to talk to a newspaper reporter about local domestic violence, our court systems, and our local agencies. It appeared that the news finally wanted to sit down and talk about how the systems had failed someone for a lifetime...and now wanted to revamp and help our community.

6 years ago I went public. 

Just months after my father died.

I showed it all. 

My disaster of a life at the time, the pieces I was still trying to pick up.

I did it for two reasons.

1. NO ONE should feel like shit for being in a domestic violence situation. No one. I don't care who you are, what the situation is...YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL REVICTIMIZED WHEN YOU SEEK HELP. You are allowed to talk about your abuse, you are allowed to be injured by it. The beginning of my story saw a lot of hiding...I didn't want to come forward because no one ever helped me. Or they claimed to...and then they argued. People judged. People told me to STOP talking about it. It apparently wasn't my place to talk about the abuse and manipulation I suffered from for years. Somehow...the power to be in control of my life was stripped from me a second time.

2. I was done hiding personally. For 5+ years I hid from my father because I didn't know for sure where he was, what he would do, or how he would react. At the end he was in prison...but then I had reporters on my doorstep. Society REALLY likes drama...especially when they get to watch people's lives falling apart on TV. I hid from the reporters. I hid from my father. I hid from his friends and family. But that article gave me the chance to stop hiding. He was gone...it was old news...and the article gave me the chance to not only talk about it for my healing...but also to encourage change in our community.

So 6 years later here's what I will say.

-The fame has died down, and for that I am thankful. It was hard to answer awkward public questions. It was hard to go to the gas station or the grocery store without questions.

-The point remains the same. Domestic violence is EVERYWHERE. It is your neighbor, your coworker, your child's preschool teacher.

-YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. If you are a victim, you get to feel like hell. You get to be angry. You get to feel however the fuck you want to feel in these situations.

-YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT IT. Yell it from the rooftops. "Overshare" to a coworker. Tell your neighbor, the guy you just started dating, the girl you met in class. Whatever. TALK ABOUT IT. Stop letting the world stifle you because it's "awkward."

This is your life. 

You get to talk about it however you damn well please.

And anyone that tells you differently is a coward and an enabler to abuse.

It's. That. Simple.

This is your chance to go from scared, silenced, and jailed...

To free.

Choose free <3

Thankful

It’s been a rough few weeks...as anyone that knows me is aware of.

But I can honestly say that I am remarkably proud of the life that I have built. I have amazing and patient people around me...people that truly care about surrounding us in so much love.

There have been nasty triggers, horrible panic attacks out of nowhere...and a lot of anger on my part. But the people near me have been perfect. So patient and so loving. I really can’t ask for much more.

For once

I have rewritten the beginning of this post 20 times. I have created hooks and sentences that would catch people's attention. I looked for the shock factor...and I'm readjusting to the fact that I don't write for other people...I write for me. I have to stop editing myself because I'm worried about what people will think or be offended by.

I'm not on that train anymore...what you get is what I think at the moment. 

You don't have to read it...I need to write it for my sanity.

Take this as your warning.

- Stop reading if you are offended by swear words or honesty.
- If you are related to my father...I also suggest you stop reading now.

It's 3 am...I am beyond exhausted...and pissed. I have kept a lot of my thoughts private lately because I was trying to navigate our new normal. I have been holding in a shitload of anger because I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to have it all together. 

Sometimes these things come up out of nowhere and I am livid.
I am overtired, emotional, punch holes in things kind of mad.
I'm a relatively calm person...I usually bury anger and cry instead of reacting physically.

But right now...I'm just mad. 

I'm livid. 

All the things I have been fighting are boiling up and I suddenly wish there was a basement to this house where I could keep punching bags and weights.

Right now...I can't get half of my "family" out of my head. Certain conversations and dreams are to blame. Suddenly I can't stop thinking about all the things I have never said.

Let's not pretend that I'm not hurt. 

I am.

My heart is falling apart half the time because I think about what could be. I am angry that "family" can be so hurtful and shallow. I am sad for myself...and I'm sad for my kids.

My kids are so loved.

By so many people.

So many sides of family.

They are SO beyond blessed.

But there's still something missing.

There are people missing.

My kids will never know that those people are missing. Because I refuse to explain to them that there are people that have CHOSEN to not be in their lives. My kids are gold. And any person that doesn't want to be around them...clearly doesn't realize what they are missing. Those people are CHOOSING to miss out on some of the best people on this planet.

It pisses me off. Those littles deserve better. 

Better than people that don't see their worth.

And on the same note...I deserve better. I deserve better than people that choose not to see my worth. I struggle sometimes because I wonder if I get to be mad about that? I get so caught up in being mad that my kids won't ever know a quarter of their family...and I forget that I'm still grieving losing those same people. They were in my life once...and suddenly they are just all gone. I no longer fit the mold for them to love.

Tonight...I'm mad for me.

My heart hurts. 

Sometimes it hits me hard...that people have chosen their rich lifestyles over just loving on their own flesh and blood. I struggle with that thought. For an hour or so it creeps up and makes my chest feel heavy. I feel like garbage because someone's pride is more important than me...than my husband and my kids. I feel worthless. 

And then I get really mad.

I go from hurt to pure fury.

Let me be clear.

If you are one of those people reading this...please understand that you are missed. I am sad that you have chosen other things over us. I am sad that the money and "prestige" of that family name has made other things more important than us in your eyes. I am sorry that mansions and fancy things are more important than integrity and honest love for one another.

But at the same time...(turn your kids away from the next few paragraphs)...

Fuck you.

Seriously. You don't know what you're missing. As much as your absence may be felt here...you don't have the slightest grasp of what you are missing.

I am sad because we all deserve better. 

Including you. 

Love isn't supposed to have conditions.

Did you get that? 

It's NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE CONDITIONS. 

If it does...it isn't love.

I'm pissed because I deserved better for the last 27 years. I deserved unconditional love. I deserved one of you to stand up for me. I deserved more than you gave. I deserved any of you to stand up to the money and the "name"...in order to help keep me safe.

But you chose not to. And when I stood up for myself...you treated me like garbage.

So please remember...we are not the problem. Despite the years of me leaving the door open for you to come see us...despite me inviting you to every family event...YOU are the ones who made the choices that you did. You are the ones who decided our wedding wasn't important. You are the ones who complain about "missing seeing Emma grow up" when you've never actually met her. You're the ones who pretend to give a shit...but haven't met Munchkin in the last 6 years full of opportunities.

This is all on you. 

We will always be here. Because that's what family does. But we won't be here with conditions.

You want us...you know how to find us. But don't come at me with rules or expectations. Show me that love is more important than your pride.

For once.