Now I said I was going to start posting the comments made to me, and then my responses to them. So far there is only one that really had any “questions” to answer, or needed more than a short response…so here we go J
From: leirigh
“Kat, thank you for starting this blog. I've found your posts have helped me rethink a few things in my life. I have a question... Is it your father you love, or the idea of a 'father' that you love? I heard that from a therapist a while back. It sounds hard, but it made me think my definition of family. 'Family' should mean something special, but sometimes we give that special term to people when it's not earned or deserved just because there is a biological connection. No matter how much I wanted the idea of that family member in my life, the real-life person wasn't it. In fact that family member was cruel and dangerous. In your case, Kat, maybe your birthfather didn't/doesn't behave like a father. You could say, he tore up his 'father card' when he did any number of the things you've mentioned. Why pursue that relationship? Why spend the most precious thing you have (time) on this? What happens if you say "I'm done with this relationship"? Will you get grief from other family members? Will you get grief from the man you think is your 'father'? Will you feel lost without this conflict?... I don't have the answers for myself, but I'm hoping you'll figure it out and post them in a few months :) Thanks again”
Then my response:
“Thank you for posting, and thank you even more for reading! I'm going to try and answer your questions the best I can :) As for whether or not I love my father...I can honestly say that I love him. Now, the idea of him is what tortures me I think. Thinking about the times he should have been there for me, and wanting him around when I'm upset...that all just makes me sad. But I spent 14 years of my life with him in my life...so I do honestly care what happens to him. My mom told me once, "The opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference." So every time I question my love for him...I ask myself if I still care what happens to him. And I do, what hurts him...hurts me. Therefore I know I still love him, whether or not I want to (or he deserves it). As to why I pursue a relationship...I honestly don't anymore. I want to...but I don't. I got a restraining order a few months ago to keep myself from doing just that. Granted it was more to keep him away from me...but it also gave me a built in support system to keep myself from contacting him. Whether I like it or not...time will always be spent thinking about my father. Even after he's gone, I know memories of him are going to haunt me. But that's because he makes up a large part of who I am. The way I think...the way I act...the things I enjoy or don't enjoy...a lot of that came from him. Hell, every time I look in the mirror I see his blue eyes staring back at me. I have said that I'm done with the relationship, and I've meant it. But as I said...it will never change the fact that I am invested in what happens to him. Even if I'm done with the relationship...I still care. That man is half of me, and I have younger siblings that are going to have to walk this road too. Maybe not as involved...because they haven't seen him since they were infants...but they too will struggle with not having him around. Maybe he doesn't deserve my love...honestly I know he doesn't. But I'm a Christian girl...and people make mistakes. People do stupid things...but it doesn't make them unworthy of love. The majority of my family has supported me through this struggle. Some aren't happy that I have cut off ties, and try to manipulate me back into the line of fire. But I won't do it. The others see that I'm safer out of it...and will support me no matter my decision. Without them I wouldn't be where I am now...learning to deal with all of this in a healthy way. Your last question really made me think...and is the main reason I didn't respond to your comment right away (it got sent to my phone). It made me think about how I could ever truly be rid of the conflict. And honestly...the only way that could even be possible, will be after my father has died. Now to clarify, I do NOT wish that on him. Just to be blunt...that's the only time I can see myself not having to struggle with maintaining a relationship or not. However when I imagine that day...I also see a lot of pain. Very deep seated pain. The whole point of this blog is my own recovery. And a big part of that, is focusing on this conflict we're talking about. The conflict isn't just whether or not to have a relationship with my father...it's a bigger conflict within myself. Well...multiple conflicts kind of. It's me struggling with learning how to live while dealing with the chaos he radiates. I don't know if this helped you at all. I hope it did, and I hope I can continue to help. :) Thanks again...your comment got me thinking!”
Now I’ve really got to get my copying and pasting under control so it’s easier to move everything over. Not to mention breaking that up a little bit. Kind of hard to read through. It’ll get there though. Keep the comments/emails coming! J
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