Well…I got more “hate mail” today. I messaged someone who seemed to have a problem with me via Facebook and got my head bit off. I was told how immature and basically annoying I am for posting what I think. At first it kind of bothered me…but then the more I thought about it, it got kind of funny. I have met this person ONCE…and was nothing but sweet at the time. Yet here she was freaking out about how I make stupid decisions and live my life in the public eye. Now…to a point I can’t disagree. Yes, I do post too much, and I say things I probably shouldn’t. But I’m kind of okay with it. And I’ll explain more as to why later.
Now I’ve started the other blog about my divorce, which I wasn’t sure about at first. It’s not there to dog on my husband, or say anything bad about him. It’s more about the process that’s about to take place. It seems like it will be a lot like the battle I’m fighting with myself about my dad. But at the same time there are some big differences, and I know I’m going to have to figure out how to tackle them.
Anyways, in her message, she specifically told me to get used to the hate mail, and that I had a lot of people against me. At first reading that really hurt…I didn’t think I deserved that kind of comment. But then it occurred to me…here this “grown woman” who’s sitting here lecturing me about being mature…was going off on me for quite frankly no reason. And suddenly…it seemed kind of funny.
People REALLY like to pull the age card with me and I can’t tell you how much it makes me want to scream. Yes, I understand…I am 20. I am young. Thank you for the update. However if you’re going to lecture me on my age…could you please be at least 30? Being 3-5 years older really doesn’t give you the “leg up” you seem to think it does. I’m young? Well guess what…I hate to break it to ya…but you are too!
Maybe I’m paranoid…but I swear I feel like everyone in this world is filled with manipulation and just…bullshit. That’s probably not a healthy way to think…but it seems like the majority of people are “creeps and dummies” as my mother likes to put it. This girl made another comment about “people close to me” telling her “the facts” and such. And when I read it, the usual panic rose to my throat. There’s only one person she knows close to me…and it’s the person I consider to be my absolute best friend. My heart hurt thinking that this person would betray me like that. And then the sensible Kat popped back in to say hi. It hit me…my father used to say stuff like that ALL THE TIME. I even posted about it recently. How he had people “watching me” and telling him things. And it hit me that I can’t tell you how many times I have heard about these “people” yet I still have no idea who these magical people are? Hm…manipulation…table of one please. Tonight…I won’t be joining you J
But…that’s enough of the depressing crap. As far as I’m concerned…BRING ON THE HATE MAIL! I welcome it. Because if I’m pissing people off…it means I’m at least making an impression. If people are sending me mail, it means it got them thinking. And I’m okay with that. Yes, I am absolutely living my life in the public eye with this blog, and with things I say on my Facebook. But as I said…it is completely 100% worth it. And I will tell you why.
Facebook is just a means of promoting this blog. Plus it’s my easy outlet for whatever I want to say. I don’t hold back, because honestly there are times where I want people to know how I’m feeling. I’m not going to hide how upset I am…because it’d be a big fat lie. I’m not going to plaster a fake smile to try and fool people. If I’m upset, I’m upset…if I’m mad, so be it…and if I’m happy, I’m going to share that with people. There’s a beautiful thing about Facebook…and it’s called the block button. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it!
But now back to why I write this blog. I was afraid to start this blog for multiple reasons. I knew that there would be a lot of drama in it…after all look at the subject matter. I was really afraid people would start to read it just to know more about my personal life. I was afraid to be judged for it. I’ve had some moments I’m not proud of, and I wasn’t so sure about broadcasting them…let alone all of my family’s dirty laundry. I wasn’t sure anyone would actually benefit from it…but that’s what I was really hoping for.
The other night, being the insomniac that I am…I was up looking for someone to chat with. I saw an old old friend from high school pop up, so I decided to harass him. We talked for a little bit catching up, when he mentioned that he was fresh out of rehab for pain killers. My heart broke reading it. My father was about his age when he started…and I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else becoming a lifelong victim of those damn pills. So I went out on a limb, at the risk of accomplishing nothing (minus looking like a jackass)…and sent him two pictures. One of my father’s mugshot years ago…and one from his most recent arrest. Now, in the first picture my dad looks kind of happy (I know weird), and relatively healthy (to the untrained eye). In the second…he looks horrid. He looks sick, angry, beat up, and scary. I told my friend how this is how much just a few years of that crap could change you. I sent him the news stories from when my dad got arrested…and then I sent him a link to my blog. Asked him to read it when he had a chance. We talked for awhile that night, and I told him that whatever he needed, I would do to help him stay off of those pills.
He said he’d work on it…and I hoped that he meant it…but I was weary…and just overall concerned. I didn’t hear from him for a few days, and never really saw him online. I got a quick unrelated message from him, but that was it. Then I got a message Sunday night that honestly made all of this crap worth it. He told me that he hadn’t touched a pill since we’d talked, and that talking to him, showing him the blog, and showing him what had happened to my dad…got his attention. That it made him want to knock it off, and get off the pills completely. When I told him that he made my week (which was a gross understatement)…he told me I’d made his life. And basically that he credited all of this to why he wasn’t high.
Now first of all, I’m amazed, flattered, and unbelievably touched that he feels that way. All I wanted this blog to do was at least touch 1 person. And it has. I feel like it has filled its purpose…and now all I can do is hope it continues. Second, I hope he reads this…because there’s something I want to add to that. All I can do is put the idea of recovery in someone’s head. Whether it be an addict or a loved one…I can only get the ball rolling. It’s completely up to that person to continue it…and fight the good fight. I know it’s not easy. It’s pure hell sometimes…but it’s SO worth it in the end. And it’s up to them to realize that…and make it happen. I’m always here to help as much as I can…but I can’t do it for anyone.
I mean in all reality…I’m still working on it myself. Who am I to say anything…? ;)