I can’t honestly say this is turning out to be the hardest year of my entire life. Between my father going to jail, two miscarriages, and losing my job twice…I didn’t think I could take much more. There’s been a lot of pain coming my way this year…and I thought I’d hit rock bottom months ago. Until this weekend happened. I won’t go into specifics because I’m not going to talk badly about someone that means a lot to me. But this weekend…I decided that it was time for me to get a divorce.
I will always love my husband. There is no doubt in my mind about that. What happens to him with always matter to me, and I want the best for him. He has been a large part of my life for over 4 years. And while that doesn’t sound like a long time…in all reality, it was a large part of my teen years, and all of my adult life thus far. He has taught me so much about myself and about life. The fact is unfortunately, that we can’t make something work.
I’m sorry that this has to happen. But I’m sure about my decision. My husband is a good person. He’s loving, he’s smart, and he’s trustworthy. He’s everything that I thought I could ever want in a husband…and he’ll make a girl very lucky someday. But there are differences between the two of us that I’ve tried to fix…and can’t. I’ve fought for our marriage for a long long time, and I’ve lost myself and my dreams in the process. I can’t do it anymore…I need a second chance at life.
I don’t regret my marriage for one second. I regret that it’s ending like this, and it hurts me. But I don’t regret taking that jump to be with him. I went against my family and friends, and made a huge decision. It seemed crazy at the time, but never in a million years did I think it would end like this. But even if I’d known how it would end…I still would have done it. As I mentioned earlier…I learned so much about myself in the last few years. I learned a lot about life…and I learned that it is possible to fully trust someone after everything my father did to me. I didn’t think it would be…but it is.
There are a lot of sources of pain in this life. I’m no stranger to that fact. There’s the pain you feel when someone you love makes bad choices and you can’t do anything to help them. There’s the pain that destroys you when you lose a child. And then there’s the pain of having to walk away from someone that you love quite possibly, more than yourself.
I can’t decide which pain is worse. Losing someone to bad choices is upsetting, but there’s at least the realization that there’s nothing you can do about it. Same with the miscarriages. It hurt, like all hell. It tore my heart out and left me feeling empty for months. But I knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it. This is different. I am the one asking for the divorce, and I know that at any moment I have the option of turning it all around. I could go back, and live unhappily for the rest of my life. I could compromise my dreams and my future, to make everything “right” again. It’s taking everything I have to not do that. To not give in to the pain again. To not take the “easy” way out.
I’ve lost myself lately. I’ve put my husband before myself in every sense…and I’ve lost myself. I’ve let myself forget my goals, and my dreams. I’ve been so damn focused on making everyone else happy, that I’ve forgotten how to make me happy. I don’t want that for the rest of my life. I was so sure when we got married that everything would be ok. I was convinced that I could fix any problem we’d ever face. I got so caught up in painting the perfect picture for everyone we knew because I wanted everything to work out. I somehow got myself thinking that if we faked it long enough…it might happen. We got our own little house, hoped for a child…I thought that if I tried hard enough to make things look good…they would be good. And in ways they were. We were in love…I don’t doubt that. But sometimes love isn’t enough…and sometimes things just can’t be fixed.
I am terrified to be alone. I think that’s part of the reason I’m so worked up about all of this going on. I think it’s a big part of the reason I held on for so long. I’ve always been so worried that someone else would leave me…that it never really occurred to me that I could leave if I felt I needed to. I get in bed at night and I hurt. My heart aches like it never has before…and my head spins. I wonder what the hell I’m doing, and I highly consider taking it all back. Going back to my house, and trying to just permanently forget the fact that I’m not happy. But I have to push myself out of this. It’s ok to be alone…and it’s ok to love and let go.
I took a chance. And it didn’t turn out like I’d hoped and planned. It doesn’t mean I failed. It means life got in the way. It means I learned something and will come out stronger than I was before it all. The important thing is that I jumped. I trusted my gut, and I will never have to ask “what if”. I’ve tried my hardest to work through the problems…and I haven’t been able to. But in the future I know I can look back on it and know I did my best with what I had.