"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I'm back!!!

I know I haven’t posted in over a month. I work too much, I had my tonsils removed (which knocked me on my ass for weeks), and I’ve just been a little overwhelmed. At the same time, I’ve been truly enjoying my life for the first time in a long long time. I have fun whenever possible…just because I can. I’ve gone to the beach, I’ve gone to parks, I’ve spent hours just sitting on the patio talking and relaxing.

               You ready for really exciting news? I haven’t heard from a reporter since the last time I posted something. Not ONE. Not one phone call, not one email…nothing at all. Now when I say a reporter, I do NOT mean the people who have been doing stories on the blog. I appreciate those people, and I’m flattered that they think enough of it to want to publicize it. It makes me feel like all that has happened is worth it. The reporters I’m talking about are the ones who are down in Florida. They want the “dirt” and they want an entertaining story because they’re too lazy to broadcast about something worthwhile. They want the drama and the “excitement”. They…piss me off. More than I can say. People tell me to take the interviews with them strictly for publicity…but I can’t. The attention would be great to get the blog out…but I don’t want it under those pretenses. “Hey everyone tune into Channel 5 tonight to see the famous arsonist’s daughter get her personal life thrown in her face”. No thanks. I know how they can twist the things you say into what they WANTED you to say, and what will get the most viewers. But back to my point…it’s gotten better. There were weeks of my phone ringing off the hook, and on rare occasion, people showing up at my listed address just begging for a comment. (Trust me…they didn’t want me to comment).

                I’m getting back into my writing as soon as possible. May 3rd was my dad’s birthday…and for the first time in years…I didn’t even think about it. It was nice. That sounds terrible…I forgot my father’s birthday. But…you have to understand my life experiences to understand why it was actually strangely liberating. Days like that typically haunt me…and it didn’t this time. It felt good to look back almost a week later and realize that I glazed over it without a problem. He’s very slowly losing his control over me…and I’m very slowly gaining that level of confidence that I’ve been missing.

                Found out something interesting today…after all this time of not checking the court website…the trial has been rescheduled. October 9th of this year…only a year and 9 months after he got arrested. Ugh. It also happens to be the day before what should be my 5th anniversary with my husband. Splendid. Sounds like such a blast of a week. On the plus side…hopefully by then the divorce will be finalized…and I will finally be getting closure in two big areas of my life.

                I have been so positive lately. I guess I always kind of have been…but there’s always been a deep dark side to me that people rarely saw. It’s not like that anymore. I am truly happy most of the time. I have hard days like any human being, but I get out of them quickly. I still get overwhelmed quickly, and I still panic on occasion. But it’s rare. Really rare. I can’t remember the last terrifying nightmare that woke me up, and I can’t remember the last time I had a full blown panic attack because of something that reminded me of him.

                I took a huge step the other night. Sunday night to be exact. This may sound minor to anyone who doesn’t know me…but in reality it was a giant leap. I went out on a boat. I’ll post more about the days on the boat another time, but know that it’s definitely coming. I grew up on the water. My father loved his boat more than anything…and we would spend EVERY day on it…until he finally had to take it in to get me home. We slept on it occasionally, we would take trips down both sides of the lake, we would waterski, tube, parasail…you name it. They were some of the hardest times of my life…but also a lot of the best memories I have with my dad. But I haven’t been out in years. The last few times I went out on the boat with him…I was 13-14, and it never ended well. His binges had become a lot worse at that point, and a lot of the trips ended up with him getting violent, or threatening to drown me (more on that later as well). They were some of the scariest days of my life, and the memories of his actions over those nights still catch me off guard sometimes.

                But back on track…I haven’t been back on a boat since one of the last times I saw my father in person. I’ve had offers…but I have not set foot on a boat in our area…and gone out on the lake. I haven’t gone down the channels and seen the restaurants on the river we would go to, the islands he would drop my friends and I off in to go run around, or the beaches he would pull the boat up to. Sunday night…I did. I got on a boat, and spent hours sitting in the middle of the lake. Jumping in the water, driving around, talking and just enjoying the night air…and the sound of the water. (Now the night didn’t end very well in other aspects…but it was all still a very large step for me).

                Best part…I didn’t get upset. It made me SMILE to think of the happy memories from years ago. Truly happy. No forced smiles, no hidden tears…just fond memories. I’m not sure if I’m forgiving…or if I’m just growing stronger as a person. But I would like to think it’s a little bit of both.

                I promise to write more…it felt good to get all that out J (PS- It started as a quick 3 paragraph update. Now who thought it was a good idea to give me a keyboard and internet access…?)

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I can relate to the boat thing. For me it is the back of a motorcycle. I have my own license and until about a month ago had my own bike, that is not problematic. Being a powerless passenger is a problem for me. My ex used to terrorize me on his bike. Once it got so bad, I waited until he slowed to a stop at a stop sign and jumped off, refusing to get back on and taking a ride with the first stranger who picked me up when I put my thumb out. It was the first time I had ever hitch-hiked and I know all the dangers but honestly, the stranger seemed safer than my ex. Since then, I have panic attacks when riding on the back of motorcycles. It is awkward, especially when my new husband is a motorcycle enthusiast but, at the moment I just can't bring myself to sit behind him and trust him as I once so completely trusted my ex. Some days I wonder if it will all ever stop hurting but I remind myself of all the progress I have made so far and I keep marching. Take care and I'll be thinking of you!