The four hardest words I've ever had to say

I’m probably about to share too much…and I honestly don’t care. Writing calms me down…and it’s pretty clear that it’s what I need to do. The past 48 hours have been some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced…and the emotional pain I’m currently going through rivals anything I’ve ever felt. I’m in the middle of a waiting game that no one should ever have to be in. It’s taking everything I have to type the next few words because it’s something that I can barely bring myself to admit. They’re by far the 4 hardest words I’ve ever had to say. My father is dying. Not in the sense that these are his last few days…but in the sense that these are his last few hours. I want to be there…but there is no way I could make it in time to say my final goodbyes. I am helpless…and completely heartbroken.

                The emotions going through my head are scaring me a little bit. These are things I didn’t even know I could feel for him. There’s sadness, anger, guilt, confusion…every emotion under the sun. There might even be some denial. My father is dying.

                Sunday night I got a phone call from a blocked number…a man claiming to be my father’s defense attorney…and he told me that he had committed suicide and was no longer with us. I lost my mind…and shut down. Come to find out (after my mom and aunt made a lot of phone calls)…that it wasn’t true. My father was in the hospital, but he was alive, and it was for something unrelated. He hadn’t attempted suicide…he had been transferred there for stomach pains…but he was definitely still alive. I calmed down a bit thinking that everything was going to be ok. Throughout the day on Monday I made more phone calls…demanding answers. I finally got in contact with someone who told me the full truth.

                My father was taken to the hospital last week for stomach pains. They did exploratory surgery…but were never able to get him off the ventilator. He then developed toxic shock, and his organs all shut down. His blood pressure is only being kept up by medications…and there was a good chance he wouldn’t make it through last night. I vowed to go down there…see him one last time. I was told I could have 30 minutes, no more no less…to say my goodbyes and attempt to make peace with the situation. They were going to put him on dialysis to keep him alive longer…and hope that somehow we’d get a miracle and he’d pull through this.

                Dialysis didn’t work. It put him in worse condition…and there’s nothing they can do. I got word first thing this morning that my father will most likely die today…and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t make it there in time…I can’t tell him all the things I wanted to say…and I have to live with that.

                I can’t put into words how much this hurts. I’ve imagined this day for a very long time…and always thought that I’d handle it better. But nothing could have prepared me for this. This has been such a long road…of horrible horrible experiences…and really tough love. Yet here we are…and instead of feeling the closure I thought I’d feel…I couldn’t be more thrown off. I can’t even think straight.

                I am so mad at him for putting all of us in this situation. I’m mad that he wasn’t the dad he was supposed to be. That he didn’t see me graduate, won’t see me get married, will never meet my kids. I’m mad that I have to edit what I say to my siblings because I can’t tell them the full truth of the man he was. I’m mad that my little sister is having such a hard time because he’s never been there for her. It hurts me that she’s hurting…and it infuriates me that he’s the reason behind her pain. I'm trying really hard to remember the good times right now…but my mind is so confused and I’m struggling.

                I’m sad that I haven’t gotten a chance to say goodbye. It’s something that’s going to haunt me for a long long time. I know I’m going to have to come to terms with it…but I guess I’ve been in denial for so long that I don’t really know how to handle this. This waiting game is beyond horrible. Having to just sit here and wonder when it’s going to happen. Is there a chance I could make it in time…should I try…I don’t know. So many unanswered questions that are hurting me.

                I know I shouldn’t say this because I know it’s not what I should be feeling right now…but I’m feeling guilty. I know I had every right to cut him out of my life a year ago…but it’s bothering me now. I needed him out of my life for my own sanity…and it was his actions that caused it. There’s this deep feeling in me though that’s eating at me. If I’d taken one of those phone calls…if I hadn’t gotten that restraining order…I might have been able to say all that I wish I could have said now. This is a perfect example of NEVER letting someone leave without making peace with them…no matter how mad you are. I don’t even remember the last time I talked to my dad…but I know it wasn’t a good conversation, and it’s got me wishing I’d done things differently. It’s a very hard pill to swallow.

                You never know when the people you love aren’t going to be there anymore. And when suddenly you’re faced with them being gone shortly…it knocks the wind right out of you.

                I know people are trying to be helpful and trying to make me feel better. But with the next person to say “I know how you feel” or “I get what you’re going through”…I might lose it. I don’t even know how I feel right now. This isn’t just someone losing a parent…which is horrible all on its own I’m sure. This situation is absolutely insane. My father is an inmate…a felon. Someone who has terrorized everyone that I love, and caused my family mass amounts of pain. But again…he is my father. Nothing will ever change that I grew up with him. When he wasn’t being insane…he was my dad. He played his guitar all the time, he made a huge swing for me out of a tree branch in the front yard, and he gave me three siblings that mean the world to me.

                I started looking through pictures…because I know it’s just a matter of time before we have to start planning a memorial service. I know that might be morbid…but I need to prepare myself, and I’ve gone into problem solving mode. I found a bunch of pictures of me running around with the curls he loved so much bouncing everywhere, and flowers tucked behind my ears. Pictures of him pushing me on that swing he made…and pictures of the baby raccoons we literally found IN our kitchen wall once.

                I don’t know how to feel right now. All I know is this is some of the strongest pain I’ve ever felt…and the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. These next few months are going to be hard and I know it. Yet again, I’m sure I’ll hear about how I’m sharing “too much” on the internet…and how this is private. But this is my outlet. This is what calms me down. And right now I really don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. I’m doing this for me.