The last time

I  typically don't post pictures...but I came across the one the other day while I was cleaning out the memory on my computer. This was the last time I saw my father in person. I believe it was June of 2009...I hadn't seen him in 2-3 years at that point, and I was on my way back to Ohio from Florida. I had just graduated college, and was about to graduate high school. I was 18 and it was one of the most awkward lunches I've ever had. We met in the airport during my layover...and we sat in this quiet restaurant...both trying to fight the silence. 

After lunch he walked me to security. He brought me a huge vase with flowers, but I couldn't take it with me on the plane. I handed it back to him, thanked him, and went to walk away. I held it together...until he yelled behind me how he loved me and missed me so much. Even now as I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. I wish he knew what love meant...and that it was strong enough to combat all that he's done.

That was 3 1/2 years ago...and other than that lunch...it's been closer to 5-6 since I've spent any real time with my father. I think part of me always hoped we might get a chance one day to sit and attempt to work things out. But here we are...3 weeks away from trial...and we're more distant than we've ever really been. Granted that's my doing, and it needs to be that way. But it's still hard to process sometimes. 

I miss him. I shouldn't...but I do sometimes. I hadn't planned on posting any more today, but then this picture was stuck in my mind. And considering I was CLEARLY already in the writing mode...this all just kind of spilled out. I've learned that one of the hardest things in life is watching someone you love self destruct...and not being able to do anything about it. But maybe the harder part is...realizing that you really can't do anything about it. And that sometimes you really do just need to learn to love from a distance...and learn to let go of the hopes you had for them to change.

*Serenity Prayer*