I learned a new word today firsthand. A word whose meaning changes when you're talking about yourself and not someone else. Today I learned the word cancer.
I have had family members with cancer...from skin, to brain. I've had close friends who had family members with breast cancer, liver cancer, etc. But it was always one of those things that would "never happen to me."
Now let me be clear...as of this moment, I don't know if I have cancer or not...and I'm praying like hell that I don't. But I got the call that no one ever wants to get today. The bad news that sends your brain flying through emotions and outcomes faster than lightning. That awakening that suddenly everything in your world isn't quite as perfect as you thought it was.
My doctor found cells on my cervix that need to be removed, and needs to biopsy the rest of my reproductive organs to see if the cells have spread any further. (I'm putting this as simply as possible given the explanation I got was much more complicated). Basically Grade 1, and between Grade 1 and 2 are relatively "safe" (in cancer terms)...and I'm into Grade 2, which requires a decent amount of removal. I scheduled surgery as quickly as possible to try and rid myself of whatever these cells are. I go in Friday for what is supposed to be a relatively fast, but excessively painful procedure.
The hard truth that something INSIDE your body is attacking it...and there's nothing you can do about it...is probably one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. There are so many possible outcomes right now, that I don't know where to start...or how to feel. I want to be my normal perky self...the girl that deals with everything gracefully, and is optimistic. But I can honestly say I have never been this terrified in my entire life. I debated not telling anyone at all, because there's a chance that after surgery Friday...everything will be just fine. Unfortunately given my risk factors, and symptoms prior to all this...that outcome is kind of wishful thinking.
I want to be positive. I'm trying really hard to be. But at the same time...I'm in this strange world where cancer is still something that "can't happen to me". That's something you hear about...or you know a family member that has it. It isn't YOU. Especially not at 23. I shouldn't be facing such a scary thing right now. I'm a college student, I just got a beautiful house with the man of my dreams...my life is finally GOOD.
Which brings me to another point. I try not to dwell so much on this one because it makes me feel like a whiny brat. But seriously...WHAT THE FUCK. Excuse my french on that one...I've been holding that one in all day. Haven't I dealt with enough by now? Holy mother of whatever...enough is enough! I get it...God gives burdens to people He thinks can handle it...but I'm on the edge here. I'm trying so damn hard to get my thoughts and mind and life together...and this gets thrown in my face. I feel like I'm being punished for being happy.
I've never been quite so terrified. I've never been this mad. And I'm going to be for a little while. I'm allowed to be. I don't have to be little miss happy daisy all the time...and it doesn't make me weak to say that right now I feel like all hell is about to break loose.
I asked my boyfriend tonight if it would be bad if I blogged about how I'm feeling. I felt like this was something that was a little too personal, or too early to be shared with people. But this is how I handle things. This is my personal therapy. I write, I share, I get overly honest about how I feel, and how I'm reacting. Hell, who knows, maybe some other girl will be going through this too, and will find this via Google. She will know that she's not the only one who feels this way. Because it isn't fair. It isn't right, and it's really a shit card to be dealt.
I will continue to try and keep things in perspective. I will push through the next few weeks hoping and praying that things will be ok. That this quick surgery will take care of it, and we will never have to face the unknown again. But I will also be realistic. This could get bad. This could be worse than we know. I could lose my ability to have kids completely, and could be looking at a lot of complicated, expensive, and painful medical care. I could be faced with some very scary and difficult choices.
It's been too long since I wrote, and sometimes I feel like I only write when things go wrong. But at the same time...this is my page. This is where I get HONEST. And honestly...I've never felt so out of control and helpless. I'm asking for prayers, for good thoughts, and for the love of all that is my sanity...DON'T try and perk me up. Don't tell me to be positive, count my blessings, or "put things into perspective". Because I already am, and doing that is all that is getting me to function right now...I don't need it thrown in my face.
Guess what. I'm allowed to be scared. I'm allowed to be stressed. I'm allowed to be sad, angry, and downright confused and lost. They are MY feelings. And if anyone doesn't like them...they can go read somewhere else.