I just got overwhelmed. I know it sounds like the start of a lot of other posts. But this was different. Very very different. I've been home alone this evening while Nick is at work...and things have been quiet. Usually I get pretty lonely...especially when I'm stressed (which we have both been this week). Tonight has been different. I was sitting here on the couch and I started crying. Obnoxiously crying actually. But for a totally new reason.
My life is perfect. I look around this house we have...and am completely overwhelmed with stupid levels of happiness and gratefulness. I am in love with the most amazing man I've ever met...even if he steals the covers and makes inappropriate jokes sometimes. I don't deserve how he treats me...and yet he is always there outdoing himself to make sure I have everything I could ever want. I spent my time after work Christmas shopping with his daughter for his presents. Then I came home to a beautiful home and obnoxious dog to start studying for my finals.
I came from ashes. Horrible, ugly, and charred ashes. My life was a mess for so long...and now it seems like this crazy distant memory. It doesn't feel like the same me...it seems like lifetimes ago. Like some strange dream I had...but never actually happened. The crappy depression I've fought for years...is finally starting to feel maintained if not gone. The anxiety still pops up, but not in the crippling way that it used to. I came from hell...and created a strange version of heaven.
I'm not the same girl whose father tried to kill her. I'm not the same girl who let "family" manipulate her for years. I'm not the same girl who sat in a ball in the bathtub sobbing hiding from her father. I'm not the same girl who took hostility out on the only people who wanted to help her. I'm not the same girl who was incapable of truly loving anyone else because she couldn't love herself.
There's a lot going on around me right now. The end of this year and the start of next spark major changes in my life. Everything is new and instead of being scared...I'm truly excited for the future.
I'm in love with Superman. I have amazing friends. Some to raise families with, some that are there for last minute pep talks, some who bring me coffee at work, and some who can make me laugh randomly. They are old friends, and new friends. I am indestructible with all of them on my side, and proud of it. I finally feel like I am accomplishing things that I set out to accomplish years ago.
I can truly say...I am finally the person that I've wanted to be.
My best friend sent me this article the other day and it made me cry. Because I want to be the woman deserving of that letter one day. That's all I've really ever wanted when it comes to Nick and his little one. But when my best friend sent it...she sent a message telling me how I was already that woman. And it touched me in a way that I can't explain.
Jobs, schooling...it doesn't matter. Houses, cars...it's irrelevant. Being a good wife/girlfriend, daughter, sister, mom (or step mom), aunt, and friend does. It's really all that matters at this point. And I'm finally in a position to be just that. I love myself enough to be that person to everyone else.
I get scared saying this...as it typically means something is about to go wrong. And there's always SOMETHING I could find that could be "better"...BUT...I'm going to say it anyways...
My life is perfect.
It is messed up, complicated, busy, and straight weird. But it's so perfect. Tears in my eyes and a smile on my face kind of perfect.