"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one"

I've been in a funk lately. Actually for almost a month. A month where everything has been seemingly perfect. No major heartbreaks, nothing but good news...there's no reason for me to feel iffy. Yet I have. I've had this dread feeling all the time, I've been exceedingly tired, and sleeping like complete crap. Almost every morning I wake up and my side of the bed is missing the sheets and has pillows thrown all over the floor. I spend most of the night checking the time and counting just how many hours of blissful sleep I'm missing out on for no apparent reason.

Granted I'm sure the mood swings can definitely be blamed on the not sleeping...but there's clearly a root issue that I'm missing. My life has never been this good. Engagement to the love of my life, a beautiful home, an awesome step daughter to be, a crazy dog, and recently an offer to take a job I couldn't be more excited about.

Yet I'm a walking disaster. One minute I'm high on happiness and the next I'm almost in tears because I can't find my car keys or I forgot to switch the laundry and my pants are wet.

*Disclaimer: I am not pregnant. As in...definitely don't even go there.*

This kind of stuff happens sometimes and the best explanation I've ever gotten from my old psychologist was that I will always battle depression and anxiety...and sometimes that means just pushing through it. She's offered meds, and I tried them years ago...but I hate the idea of stifling my feelings because I'm too lazy to deal with them. (Now let me be clear...I am NOT saying that people who take medication to help are lazy...because I have been at the point where I truly needed them in the past). But at this point in my life...I really don't NEED them. If I chose to take them and not just fight through the feelings, I would be taking the easy way out...and I never want to be that person. My dad was that person.

So I will continue to push through it until it stops or until it becomes unbearable. I will do that by remembering all of the amazing things happening around me, and pushing out negativity as much as possible.

I'm thankful for the amazing man that puts up with me sometimes not being myself. Even when the "funk" lasts for months at a time, and he feels helpless. He does everything he can to cheer me up...but also gives me a certain level of space that I  need. I couldn't ask for someone more understanding or patient. I'm blessed beyond belief. Knowing there is someone at home that doesn't judge and will never be mad at me for having crazy emotions is a major weight off my shoulders. I have someone who knows my past, and loves me for it...even through negativity. He celebrates the good and supports me through the bad.

I'm thankful that lately I've been able to cut some people out of my life. People that weren't good for me. People that were fake. And people who didn't deserve to be a part of my life in the first place. I'm thankful that even though it hurts to learn who they were...I have the opportunity to cut them out now before it got any worse. I'm glad that I finally have the backbone to get rid of the people who walk all over me.

I'm thankful that I'm planning a wedding the right way this time. With excitement from my family, and all of the goofy days with my girlfriends. I'm so happy that three of my best friends have agreed to be bridesmaids already, so I know that for the next two years of planning I will be able to turn to them in times of stress. I'm excited that I get to go dress shopping with my mom and that this time she will have something to celebrate at the reception. I'm relieved that my grandma will be at this wedding, and that this time she is excited to tell her friends her granddaughter is getting married. Everything about this wedding is different, and it's strange to be able to celebrate every moment. I love it.

I'm thankful for these funks because it gives me a reason to write, and a reason to think about all the things that are going well in my life.

Although I will admit, I'd be thrilled if the bad mood would wear off. Sleep and I want to get back together. 

In the meantime least when I am awake it's next to this handsome guy:

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