"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Thursday, November 30, 2017

She's still mine

As I sat down to finally type all of the things that have been in my head lately..."She Used To Be Mine" came on. A song that I am so BEYOND in love with. It hits me hard in the gut...look it up if you don't know it.

I came here to talk about how terrible of a friend I have been...and how crappy I feel about my inability to keep up with anyone else right now. This is such an insane time in my life...that I'm not giving anyone the amount of attention that they deserve. I thought about a friend today and almost texted her. Want to know why I didn't? Because I was so afraid we would start talking about something or that I would let her down by then disappearing again for two weeks. Unintentionally...but it almost seemed easier and better for both of us for me to wait.

But this song reminded me again...bring back the fire. Bring back the damn badass attitude I usually have. This month has been SO crazy. I have a ten page paper less than 24 hours and I'm sitting here writing instead because I feel like my brain needed a chance to unload.


I don't even know how to process this month in my head. There have been so many things going on...but one in particular that I want to talk about.

I quietly started a business back in February or March of this year. We had been using oils in our household for almost 3 years and we had seen what they accomplished for our family. I was able to learn to balance myself and my mental status without medications. Which if anyone knows me...well you will understand what that meant to me. I stopped needing antibiotics and steroids every month...and was able to cut it down to a few times a year. My baby has never been on antibiotics. Do you understand that? A baby with a mom who has 0 immune going on almost TWO YEARS of never needing antibiotics. Take that as you will.

But that wasn't my point. Here's my point.

Over the last few years...I have lost some friends. Every day I am learning more and more to cut out toxic people and stop giving them these huge parts of me. I'm learning to focus my energy on the people that deserve it...and that give me the same amount of energy. But honestly as the year started...I was feeling so alone. SO alone. New full time...never seeing my husband...I just felt like I was killing myself and losing who I was. I was struggling with PPD...literally just everything felt like an uphill battle and I was so so tired.

Then some time around that time...I lost one of my jobs. Half of my paycheck down the drain.
It. Murdered. Me.
I'm not sure I've never felt so panicked.

So I finally said screw it. I tried out this business (yea you're thinking, so you added something ELSE to your plate???). But what I found was SO much more. I got a business (which I will address in a minute)...and I got three best friends. I got a purpose...and I got something that I enjoy doing.

I felt like every day I was accomplishing something. Making people healthier, giving them relief from things they had been struggling with, introducing some of them to a business too. Everything about it just made me feel so good.

I found three people from different parts of my life...and we became SO close. We talk EVERY single day. We share big news with each other before we tell anyone else. We laugh, we make fun of each other, we cry...they are seriously my best friends. I wish we had had the chance to get closer earlier in life...because I've never felt quite so supported as I do with them in my corner.

This month...we were expected to hit around $2500 in sales total. We are topping out around $5500. We more than DOUBLED our business in a matter of days. And if you don't understand what some determined women can do when they buckle should see our numbers.

I haven't pulled my head out of my computer or phone in days. And tomorrow we start all over again. But I am SO proud...and SO thankful to be a part of a strong team of women...of my best friends.

I don't know how better to explain it other than just saying I feel empowered again. I feel good about what I'm doing every day, I feel proud of what we have built, and I feel like I have a huge future to look forward to.

We are working so hard. If I'm not doing homework, I'm at the office. If I'm not at the office, I'm working at home. If I'm not working at home I'm cleaning, chasing a toddler, driving taxi for the teenager, or SLEEPING.

So if you take nothing else from this writing...take this. I am sorry. I'm sorry I've been a bad friend. Know that I truly care, and that I am working my ass off right now so that one day soon I will be able to take all the time I need for my family, and for my friends. I am in survival mode. I'm killing it...but I'm just inches away from failure. There is no time for second guessing or relaxing. There will just isn't now.

I'm doing my best. And sometimes my best isn't that great.

Do me a favor and grant me some grace in the meantime.

And a quick side bar for those that are watching from a distance. Yea. You. The person that comes here, reads, and then turns around to talk about how ridiculous I am...and how this blog is stupid. I see you. I see what you are doing. I hear about it.

But please know something. This isn't about you. It's not about your opinion. Hatred builds hatred...and I don't have the time for it. 

Don't send something once a year about how much you you have somehow missed us...when you've never met my children. Don't have a conversation one minute about how "messed up" I am...and then pull a crocodile smile when you see me. 

I don't know it all. But I know you and I know your type. I was manipulated for over 20 years of my life...I can promise you I won't allow it to continue.

"It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine"

So cheers to:
 Snapchat filters,
and 10 page papers...

That happen to be due the same day as my deadline at work and in my business.

Oh and cheers to this chick...who blogs instead of doing what she's supposed to be doing.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Lose Yourself

I feel lost a lot lately. I am constantly running and trying to keep everyone on track. 
Between the kids, the house, school, work, my business...girl can't keep anything straight.

It's a hard thing to constantly feel like you are failing in every aspect. Teachers tell you to get really good at a couple of things...they tell you to emphasize your strengths. They tell you NOT to try and do it all...because that's just not possible.

Part of me loves it. I work best in the face of adversity and stress. The things that I can accomplish on a day to day basis when I have nothing short of ridiculous.

But I'm not really happy. I feel like I'm always drowning...and my child isn't getting the best version of me that she could. She deserves better and I deserve better.

I've been thinking that maybe it is time for me to lose myself...but intentionally. Maybe it's time to take off some of the ridiculous pressure to be perfect. Lose the extra stress and try and learn how to just exist again. I don't know how to relax...I don't know how to just quietly be happy with the little things.

More park visits with my girl. Less cleaning.

More coffee with friends. Less working through lunch breaks.

More time with family. Less constant refreshing of my email.

It's not my job to take care of everyone all the time. It's not my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy at all times.

I'll do what I can. 

But not at the expense of ME.