Comment from 12/12/11

          Now I said I was going to start posting the comments made to me, and then my responses to them. So far there is only one that really had any “questions” to answer, or needed more than a short response…so here we go J

From: leirigh

“Kat, thank you for starting this blog. I've found your posts have helped me rethink a few things in my life. I have a question... Is it your father you love, or the idea of a 'father' that you love? I heard that from a therapist a while back. It sounds hard, but it made me think my definition of family. 'Family' should mean something special, but sometimes we give that special term to people when it's not earned or deserved just because there is a biological connection. No matter how much I wanted the idea of that family member in my life, the real-life person wasn't it. In fact that family member was cruel and dangerous. In your case, Kat, maybe your birthfather didn't/doesn't behave like a father. You could say, he tore up his 'father card' when he did any number of the things you've mentioned. Why pursue that relationship? Why spend the most precious thing you have (time) on this? What happens if you say "I'm done with this relationship"? Will you get grief from other family members? Will you get grief from the man you think is your 'father'? Will you feel lost without this conflict?... I don't have the answers for myself, but I'm hoping you'll figure it out and post them in a few months :) Thanks again”

Then my response:

“Thank you for posting, and thank you even more for reading! I'm going to try and answer your questions the best I can :) As for whether or not I love my father...I can honestly say that I love him. Now, the idea of him is what tortures me I think. Thinking about the times he should have been there for me, and wanting him around when I'm upset...that all just makes me sad. But I spent 14 years of my life with him in my life...so I do honestly care what happens to him. My mom told me once, "The opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference." So every time I question my love for him...I ask myself if I still care what happens to him. And I do, what hurts him...hurts me. Therefore I know I still love him, whether or not I want to (or he deserves it). As to why I pursue a relationship...I honestly don't anymore. I want to...but I don't. I got a restraining order a few months ago to keep myself from doing just that. Granted it was more to keep him away from me...but it also gave me a built in support system to keep myself from contacting him. Whether I like it or not...time will always be spent thinking about my father. Even after he's gone, I know memories of him are going to haunt me. But that's because he makes up a large part of who I am. The way I think...the way I act...the things I enjoy or don't enjoy...a lot of that came from him. Hell, every time I look in the mirror I see his blue eyes staring back at me. I have said that I'm done with the relationship, and I've meant it. But as I said...it will never change the fact that I am invested in what happens to him. Even if I'm done with the relationship...I still care. That man is half of me, and I have younger siblings that are going to have to walk this road too. Maybe not as involved...because they haven't seen him since they were infants...but they too will struggle with not having him around. Maybe he doesn't deserve my love...honestly I know he doesn't. But I'm a Christian girl...and people make mistakes. People do stupid things...but it doesn't make them unworthy of love. The majority of my family has supported me through this struggle. Some aren't happy that I have cut off ties, and try to manipulate me back into the line of fire. But I won't do it. The others see that I'm safer out of it...and will support me no matter my decision. Without them I wouldn't be where I am now...learning to deal with all of this in a healthy way. Your last question really made me think...and is the main reason I didn't respond to your comment right away (it got sent to my phone). It made me think about how I could ever truly be rid of the conflict. And honestly...the only way that could even be possible, will be after my father has died. Now to clarify, I do NOT wish that on him. Just to be blunt...that's the only time I can see myself not having to struggle with maintaining a relationship or not. However when I imagine that day...I also see a lot of pain. Very deep seated pain. The whole point of this blog is my own recovery. And a big part of that, is focusing on this conflict we're talking about. The conflict isn't just whether or not to have a relationship with my father...it's a bigger conflict within myself. Well...multiple conflicts kind of. It's me struggling with learning how to live while dealing with the chaos he radiates. I don't know if this helped you at all. I hope it did, and I hope I can continue to help. :) Thanks again...your comment got me thinking!”

Now I’ve really got to get my copying and pasting under control so it’s easier to move everything over. Not to mention breaking that up a little bit. Kind of hard to read through. It’ll get there though. Keep the comments/emails coming! J

Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me

(For the record, anyone who got the reference from the title...we should probably be friends).

Ok call me crazy. But I’m thinking I might take this blog in a slightly different direction. Keep going with what I’ve got, but also add a little bit to it. I had a comment the other day on one of the posts that really got me thinking. And as I tried to respond to it, I realized I could easily write an entire post in response to it. SO. I want to put this out there. I mentioned before that anyone could email me, or comment here…and I’d respond. But I want to put it out there for anyone reading/following the blog that I will answer all questions as quickly as possible. Whether it be about specifics, or just general stuff…I’m happy to answer it all.

                I’m going to go searching here in a minute for my response to the person who left the comment, so I can repost the comment, and my response as another post. (That was a weird sentence). Anyways…I’m rambling again about something simple. Basics…I’ll gladly take questions or thoughts. Via email, or via comments on previous posts. I welcome them…and will respond to them in their own post as soon as possible.

                Email: littlemissmadness91@yahoo.com
                Twitter: ConfessionsofRS

Kat...don't overreact...

So I’m going to have to go into a little background real quick before I explain everything I want to in this post. As I mentioned in a recent post…my husband and I have recently separated, and unfortunately are headed to divorce. Well in the last two weeks I’ve gotten a lot of messages, emails, and phone calls from old friends sending their thoughts. One message was from a guy I met back in college and really hit it off with. And when I hit it off, please let me be clear…we were good friends…end of story. Anyways, I was only away at school for 6 months or so, before I came home and married my husband. So needless to say, this guy and I kind of lost touch.

                Well a couple of months ago we reconnected via Facebook, with just a few quick messages of “Hey how have you been?” “Good you?” “Good.” And again…the end. However shortly after making the news of my divorce public…I got a message from this guy. He was incredibly respectful and just sounded concerned. Told me he enjoyed the friendship he had, we should keep in touch…was really just being a good friend. Since that message, we’ve talked almost every day about all sorts of random stuff. It was nice to have him as a friend again…2 states away or not.

                The other night we were both at parties and exchanged a few texts back and forth. I asked what he was doing and his response made my jaw hit the floor. “Not gonna lie I’m in NYC…did some coke too.” Now at first I thought it HAD to be a joke…so I asked if he was being serious and got “Yes, very much so”…which I again thought was a joke. Or maybe I just hoped it was. After continuing the conversation it became clear to me that there was no joking about it…he’d really been doing coke at some stupid party. I texted him and told him to just text me the next day…I didn’t want anything to do with the drug scene.

                The following text messages told me so much. First I got the “I don’t get into that stuff regularly but it’s a party lol” then, “I’m ok it’s not a huge deal.” So I flat out told him…it’s a big deal to me considering my father’s in jail from drugs like that and prescriptions…and that I REALLY didn’t want anything to do with it. So then I get, “It’s not a problem I live in the city it’s not a big deal,” and all I responded with was “Not to you.” But then I got my absolute FAVORITE line of the night… “Kat, don’t overreact.” Oh honey…if only you knew.

                Now I don’t even know which part of all this to tear into first. First of all I have to say…I NEVER saw this kid doing hard drugs like that. It never would have occurred to me. He doesn’t seem that type, he seems responsible…and I’d actually told a few friends how refreshing it was to talk to someone that had drive. Someone that had a future…and knew how they wanted to make their future come about. It made me feel like I could seriously do whatever I wanted to…and that I could be successful. And then to find out that he’s one of “those”…not exactly something I need in my life…and certainly not as a friend.

                Second, the crap that poured out of his phone and into mine made me want to scream. “Not a huge deal” “but it’s a party” “not a problem” “in the city it’s not a big deal”. I mean seriously? Not a big deal? It’s coke! If we COMPLETELY ignore the whole slowly killing your body thing…there’s still the whole completely and entirely illegal thing. That show COPS where they arrest people? Not a joke, and not staged. Now if you choose to spend your life doing things that could land you in the back of a cop car…that’s your choice. But doing the “told ya so” will be my choice when it happens.

Next, I wonder if he has ANY idea what coke actually does to you. I do! Just a quick glimpse from the things I picked up at my good ol’ dad’s house as a kid…

Coke: also known as blow, stones, snow, or rocks. Most batches are laced with insecticides, pet tranquilizers, and pet de-worming medications. In the case of a bad high it can produce anything from mild itching to hallucinations, and major paranoia attacks. Hell, even a “good” high can easily bring an irregular heartbeat, tremors, mood swings, nausea, severe muscle weakness or spasm, and insomnia. Just to name a few. And then let’s visit the whole idea of oh I don’t know…um DEATH?!

And just for the hell of it, I looked up some facts, statistics, etc. Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)…died of accidental cocaine overdose in 2009, Brittany Murphy also in 2009, and Mikey Welsh earlier this year. As a matter of fact, in 2009…almost 425,000 visits to Emergency Rooms across the country were for cocaine specifically. A whopping 21.2% of all visits involved illicit drugs.

                So back to what I was saying before. I mean what more do you need? Not a big deal…sure, if possible death isn’t a big deal to you. For instance, jumping off the roof of my house could be fun…it’d be a “thrill.” Chances are I’d land safely and walk away with minor injuries if any. However, there’s also a chance that I could seriously hurt myself…and an even slighter chance that I could die. Given this information do you see me jumping off the roof…? No. Common. Freaking. Sense.

                On another note…I guess this could just be a personal preference…but I really don’t see ingesting insecticides and tranquilizers as being “fun.” I don’t care how exciting it feels at the time…that’s just disgusting. And I wouldn’t want to run risks of going completely bat crazy because there was something else funky thrown into that batch. No thanks!

                And now I have to tackle that whole final comment he made. The famous “Don’t overreact”. HA! If it wasn’t sad…it’d be really freakin’ funny. What more can I even say? When those words popped up on my phone I swear instead I read: “I’m trying to act like slowly poisoning my body with strange chemicals that could possible kill me, all while risking my entire future knowing I could get caught…is fun! And please, peer pressure, it’s not a big deal! PS Yay drugs!” Ok so maybe that translation was a little obnoxious. But I’m stressed…and I’m in that kind of mood. You get my point.

Anyways. I let myself cool off for a day, because I really did enjoy this person’s friendship. I sent him a message with my blog information, and the newspaper article from when my dad got arrested. Asked him to take a look when he had a chance…because I really want to make sure my point gets across. Maybe he already looked, maybe he will some time down the line, and maybe he never will. All I can really hope is he knocks off his stupid behavior before it DOES get out of control…and before it ruins his life. Afterall…aren’t “it’s not a big deal” just the famous last words in this crazy drug world we live in?

Hate mail is a small price to pay

Well…I got more “hate mail” today. I messaged someone who seemed to have a problem with me via Facebook and got my head bit off. I was told how immature and basically annoying I am for posting what I think. At first it kind of bothered me…but then the more I thought about it, it got kind of funny. I have met this person ONCE…and was nothing but sweet at the time. Yet here she was freaking out about how I make stupid decisions and live my life in the public eye. Now…to a point I can’t disagree. Yes, I do post too much, and I say things I probably shouldn’t. But I’m kind of okay with it. And I’ll explain more as to why later.

                Now I’ve started the other blog about my divorce, which I wasn’t sure about at first. It’s not there to dog on my husband, or say anything bad about him. It’s more about the process that’s about to take place. It seems like it will be a lot like the battle I’m fighting with myself about my dad. But at the same time there are some big differences, and I know I’m going to have to figure out how to tackle them.

                Anyways, in her message, she specifically told me to get used to the hate mail, and that I had a lot of people against me. At first reading that really hurt…I didn’t think I deserved that kind of comment. But then it occurred to me…here this “grown woman” who’s sitting here lecturing me about being mature…was going off on me for quite frankly no reason. And suddenly…it seemed kind of funny.

                People REALLY like to pull the age card with me and I can’t tell you how much it makes me want to scream. Yes, I understand…I am 20. I am young. Thank you for the update. However if you’re going to lecture me on my age…could you please be at least 30? Being 3-5 years older really doesn’t give you the “leg up” you seem to think it does. I’m young? Well guess what…I hate to break it to ya…but you are too!

                Maybe I’m paranoid…but I swear I feel like everyone in this world is filled with manipulation and just…bullshit. That’s probably not a healthy way to think…but it seems like the majority of people are “creeps and dummies” as my mother likes to put it. This girl made another comment about “people close to me” telling her “the facts” and such. And when I read it, the usual panic rose to my throat. There’s only one person she knows close to me…and it’s the person I consider to be my absolute best friend. My heart hurt thinking that this person would betray me like that. And then the sensible Kat popped back in to say hi. It hit me…my father used to say stuff like that ALL THE TIME. I even posted about it recently. How he had people “watching me” and telling him things. And it hit me that I can’t tell you how many times I have heard about these “people” yet I still have no idea who these magical people are? Hm…manipulation…table of one please. Tonight…I won’t be joining you J

                But…that’s enough of the depressing crap. As far as I’m concerned…BRING ON THE HATE MAIL! I welcome it. Because if I’m pissing people off…it means I’m at least making an impression. If people are sending me mail, it means it got them thinking. And I’m okay with that. Yes, I am absolutely living my life in the public eye with this blog, and with things I say on my Facebook. But as I said…it is completely 100% worth it. And I will tell you why.

                Facebook is just a means of promoting this blog. Plus it’s my easy outlet for whatever I want to say. I don’t hold back, because honestly there are times where I want people to know how I’m feeling. I’m not going to hide how upset I am…because it’d be a big fat lie. I’m not going to plaster a fake smile to try and fool people. If I’m upset, I’m upset…if I’m mad, so be it…and if I’m happy, I’m going to share that with people. There’s a beautiful thing about Facebook…and it’s called the block button. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it!

                But now back to why I write this blog. I was afraid to start this blog for multiple reasons. I knew that there would be a lot of drama in it…after all look at the subject matter. I was really afraid people would start to read it just to know more about my personal life. I was afraid to be judged for it. I’ve had some moments I’m not proud of, and I wasn’t so sure about broadcasting them…let alone all of my family’s dirty laundry. I wasn’t sure anyone would actually benefit from it…but that’s what I was really hoping for.

                The other night, being the insomniac that I am…I was up looking for someone to chat with. I saw an old old friend from high school pop up, so I decided to harass him. We talked for a little bit catching up, when he mentioned that he was fresh out of rehab for pain killers. My heart broke reading it. My father was about his age when he started…and I couldn’t stand the thought of someone else becoming a lifelong victim of those damn pills. So I went out on a limb, at the risk of accomplishing nothing (minus looking like a jackass)…and sent him two pictures. One of my father’s mugshot years ago…and one from his most recent arrest. Now, in the first picture my dad looks kind of happy (I know weird), and relatively healthy (to the untrained eye). In the second…he looks horrid. He looks sick, angry, beat up, and scary. I told my friend how this is how much just a few years of that crap could change you. I sent him the news stories from when my dad got arrested…and then I sent him a link to my blog. Asked him to read it when he had a chance. We talked for awhile that night, and I told him that whatever he needed, I would do to help him stay off of those pills.

                He said he’d work on it…and I hoped that he meant it…but I was weary…and just overall concerned. I didn’t hear from him for a few days, and never really saw him online. I got a quick unrelated message from him, but that was it. Then I got a message Sunday night that honestly made all of this crap worth it. He told me that he hadn’t touched a pill since we’d talked, and that talking to him, showing him the blog, and showing him what had happened to my dad…got his attention. That it made him want to knock it off, and get off the pills completely. When I told him that he made my week (which was a gross understatement)…he told me I’d made his life. And basically that he credited all of this to why he wasn’t high.

                Now first of all, I’m amazed, flattered, and unbelievably touched that he feels that way. All I wanted this blog to do was at least touch 1 person. And it has. I feel like it has filled its purpose…and now all I can do is hope it continues. Second, I hope he reads this…because there’s something I want to add to that. All I can do is put the idea of recovery in someone’s head. Whether it be an addict or a loved one…I can only get the ball rolling. It’s completely up to that person to continue it…and fight the good fight. I know it’s not easy. It’s pure hell sometimes…but it’s SO worth it in the end. And it’s up to them to realize that…and make it happen. I’m always here to help as much as I can…but I can’t do it for anyone.

                I mean in all reality…I’m still working on it myself. Who am I to say anything…? ;)

Hope faith and love...trust patience and loyalty

The holidays are always hard when someone you love is gone. I guess I’m kind of dealing with a double whammy this year. It’s hard on me knowing that other people are in pain…even when I’m mad at them. I guess that’s one of my bigger problems. I am easily manipulated into being upset over someone else’s actions. Even when they don’t directly affect me. It upsets me knowing that their life isn’t what they want it to be. Now my head continuously tells me how I can’t do anything about someone else, and how I can’t fix everything. But for some reason I’m programmed to think that I can. I don’t know if that’s just from the way I grew up, or if it’s just in my blood somehow.

                I’ve really been wanting to send my dad a letter for Christmas. Just to let him know that regardless of our relationship, I am thinking about him. I want to tell him that I love him, and that I wish things were different. Because as much as I’m hurting…I can only imagine how alone he’s feeling. It has to be a scary feeling. I don’t want him to feel abandoned…but I also can’t help that his actions have led him to this point.

                I’ve been praying for him, and I guess that’s really all I can do. I keep him in my thoughts all the time, and I hope that one day he will find peace. Maybe he won’t…and there’s nothing I can do to control that…but I can hope.

                Hope, faith, and love. You see that saying a lot. I have the words trust, patience, and loyalty in a tattoo on my shoulder. And honestly I feel like coping with life ties into all 6 of those. You have to have hope in every situation. It might not feel like things could possibly get better…but holding onto hope keeps you sane in those dark times. Faith could mean anything. Faith in God, faith in a higher power…faith in love…whatever. Just means you believe in something. Love is obvious. Having love for life, love for others…but most of all, for yourself. If you can’t love yourself…you can’t truly love someone else. Trust is just like love. You have to trust in everything. Trust yourself, your friends, and whoever else you choose to have in your life. Trust, and be trustworthy. Patience will get you through any situation. Giving things time, even when you want to rush through them…will keep you going, and will make you stronger in the end. And finally loyalty. Be the one people go to for help. Always be there for the people who will be there for you. We may think we can conquer anything…but it’s a lot easier to act like a superhero…when you know there’s a support system behind you.

So the recap: the things needed for personal recovery and growth (in my opinion).

Patience for the grieving process,
loyalty to those who are there for me,
hope for the future,
faith in the bigger picture,
trust in myself to make the right decisions,
and most importantly…
love for myself regardless of the outcome.

It'd be a selfish thing to try and hold her back

I can’t honestly say this is turning out to be the hardest year of my entire life. Between my father going to jail, two miscarriages, and losing my job twice…I didn’t think I could take much more. There’s been a lot of pain coming my way this year…and I thought I’d hit rock bottom months ago. Until this weekend happened. I won’t go into specifics because I’m not going to talk badly about someone that means a lot to me. But this weekend…I decided that it was time for me to get a divorce.

                I will always love my husband. There is no doubt in my mind about that. What happens to him with always matter to me, and I want the best for him. He has been a large part of my life for over 4 years. And while that doesn’t sound like a long time…in all reality, it was a large part of my teen years, and all of my adult life thus far. He has taught me so much about myself and about life. The fact is unfortunately, that we can’t make something work.

                I’m sorry that this has to happen. But I’m sure about my decision. My husband is a good person. He’s loving, he’s smart, and he’s trustworthy. He’s everything that I thought I could ever want in a husband…and he’ll make a girl very lucky someday. But there are differences between the two of us that I’ve tried to fix…and can’t. I’ve fought for our marriage for a long long time, and I’ve lost myself and my dreams in the process. I can’t do it anymore…I need a second chance at life.

                I don’t regret my marriage for one second. I regret that it’s ending like this, and it hurts me. But I don’t regret taking that jump to be with him. I went against my family and friends, and made a huge decision. It seemed crazy at the time, but never in a million years did I think it would end like this. But even if I’d known how it would end…I still would have done it. As I mentioned earlier…I learned so much about myself in the last few years. I learned a lot about life…and I learned that it is possible to fully trust someone after everything my father did to me. I didn’t think it would be…but it is.

                There are a lot of sources of pain in this life. I’m no stranger to that fact. There’s the pain you feel when someone you love makes bad choices and you can’t do anything to help them. There’s the pain that destroys you when you lose a child. And then there’s the pain of having to walk away from someone that you love quite possibly, more than yourself.

                I can’t decide which pain is worse. Losing someone to bad choices is upsetting, but there’s at least the realization that there’s nothing you can do about it. Same with the miscarriages. It hurt, like all hell. It tore my heart out and left me feeling empty for months. But I knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it. This is different. I am the one asking for the divorce, and I know that at any moment I have the option of turning it all around. I could go back, and live unhappily for the rest of my life. I could compromise my dreams and my future, to make everything “right” again. It’s taking everything I have to not do that. To not give in to the pain again. To not take the “easy” way out.

                 I’ve lost myself lately. I’ve put my husband before myself in every sense…and I’ve lost myself. I’ve let myself forget my goals, and my dreams. I’ve been so damn focused on making everyone else happy, that I’ve forgotten how to make me happy. I don’t want that for the rest of my life. I was so sure when we got married that everything would be ok. I was convinced that I could fix any problem we’d ever face. I got so caught up in painting the perfect picture for everyone we knew because I wanted everything to work out. I somehow got myself thinking that if we faked it long enough…it might happen. We got our own little house, hoped for a child…I thought that if I tried hard enough to make things look good…they would be good. And in ways they were. We were in love…I don’t doubt that. But sometimes love isn’t enough…and sometimes things just can’t be fixed.

                I am terrified to be alone. I think that’s part of the reason I’m so worked up about all of this going on. I think it’s a big part of the reason I held on for so long. I’ve always been so worried that someone else would leave me…that it never really occurred to me that I could leave if I felt I needed to. I get in bed at night and I hurt. My heart aches like it never has before…and my head spins. I wonder what the hell I’m doing, and I highly consider taking it all back. Going back to my house, and trying to just permanently forget the fact that I’m not happy. But I have to push myself out of this. It’s ok to be alone…and it’s ok to love and let go.

                I took a chance. And it didn’t turn out like I’d hoped and planned. It doesn’t mean I failed. It means life got in the way. It means I learned something and will come out stronger than I was before it all. The important thing is that I jumped. I trusted my gut, and I will never have to ask “what if”. I’ve tried my hardest to work through the problems…and I haven’t been able to. But in the future I know I can look back on it and know I did my best with what I had.

Stick to it

I have a feeling today’s post is going to really light some people’s fires. Especially if the person I’m talking about has friends reading this blog. But I have to get it off my chest…and I feel like this is the only way to get it out there. And I want to say this before anything else…I am not defending my father in any way through this post. He is fully responsible for his actions and I’m fully aware of that.

                As anyone who’s been keeping up with this blog (or me in general) knows…my father was arrested for arson (among other things) back in January of this year. He had set fire to his girlfriend’s (ex girlfriend’s, I can’t keep track) house. Now of course, when it went to court…this girl made it all the court’s fault. There were endless articles in the newspapers in Florida about how she blamed the court for not protecting her. And every time I read another one of those articles…I wanted to scream.

                Let’s backtrack a little bit. I forget how I’d gotten her number…but in the summer of 2010 I’d gotten a hold of the woman’s number. I had heard stories of how he was treating her, and I was terrified history was going to repeat itself. I was just waiting for her to get pregnant, and then leave my father. And then I’d have yet another sibling out there in this world somewhere. There’d be another child without a decent father…and with a lifetime of problems to deal with. The idea broke my heart, as did her getting herself into a situation she didn’t fully understand. I mean as humans…how many times do we do the “if only I’d known then what I know now…” I wanted her to be able to avoid that realization years/months down the road.

                Anyways. One night I texted/called her (I’m sorry it’s been a year and a half…my specific details may be off). I told her who I was…and why I was contacting her. At the time I guess things hadn’t been going well for her and my father…so I told her everything. I didn’t want to scare her, but at the same time I did. I was hoping if she realized what he was capable of…she’d get herself out of the situation. We had a pretty long conversation and I thought she might actually understand. It seemed like she was ready to get herself out.

                Shortly after she was back with him. Shocker. Now again, specifics are escaping me at the moment…but I do know she filed a protection order with the court against him at one point. I was relieved…I knew it might not keep him away, but it would give her some kind of legal backup if he did come around. Shortly after filing…she dropped the order, and went back to him.

                Now, before anyone jumps down my throat about abusive relationships and feeling trapped…do me a favor and don’t. I get that this is a HIGHLY sensitive subject and I’m prepared to make people angry, but I’ve got a lot to say about it. I’ve been there, and I’ve done that. Keep in mind I was this man’s CHILD. I was in that SAME abusive relationship for 14 YEARS. Hell, in a way, I was in a verbally abusive one with him for years after that. If anything, that bond is stronger (even in an unhealthy way)…and I still GOT OUT. I broke that cycle, and walked away. That’s why I’m here writing about this stuff…I do have an idea of what I’m talking about. I didn’t study it…but I lived it.

                Now…some time passed and something else happened between them. I don’t really know what…I’d kind of given up. I’d occasionally text or call her to check up on her…but I had to kind of keep my distance. I didn’t want to get myself in a situation where he came after me because of what I was saying to her. After whatever happened…she filed another order. This time, the court denied it. Not because there wasn’t sufficient evidence (there was)…but because SHE hadn’t followed the order the previous time. Keep in mind…when you file a protection order…they warn you over and over that if you break it, or you drop it…your claims will no longer be taken seriously…and you’ll be on your own. So the court did what they would do to anyone…and they denied it. According to the newspapers, after that he continuously threatened her. By phone, by leaving notes at her house…none of which shocks me. It was after this that her house was set on fire.

                I had tried to help and it didn’t work. The courts had tried to help and it didn’t work. You can’t be helped if you’re not willing to help yourself. And she wasn’t. If anything, it seemed like she blamed everyone else for what had happened. Her family and friends actually blamed ME for awhile (but that’s another post for another day). Again...let me repeat to make it clear I am NOT blaming her for the fire or what happened. I am just a big believer in taking responsibility for your own life. And blaming other people for things that happen to you…isn’t going to get you anywhere.

                You might be wondering if I have a point other than to piss people off with this post. And I do. This blog is about recovery…and taking CONTROL of your own life and destiny. I could have easily blamed everything in my life on my father, and for a long time I did. Every time I did something wrong…I would find some way to relate it to him. And to be honest, my family doesn’t really help with that. Me getting married young, or wanting children was/is because “I feel a void where my father should be”. And that’s not the case. Now are certain things I do because of him? Absolutely. There is no question that the way I think sometimes is directly related to growing up around him or without him. However there’s a big BUT coming. I am still responsible for my actions. I might think one way…but the following decision is made by me, and only me. And just like me, my father’s girlfriend had choices. Walking back into an abusive relationship is only going to lead to things escalating…and this is a perfect example.

                So there are 3 main points here. One…if you honestly want to move on from something. Stop blaming other people. Hell, even if you’re not trying to move on…stop blaming people. My dad’s ex didn’t have legal protection because SHE made the choice to not take it seriously. NOT because the court didn’t want to help her. (And again do NOT take that as I’m blaming her for the fire, because that is absolutely not the case). I wasn’t harassed by my father because HE’S mean…it happened because I didn’t get help for myself faster. Two…don’t play the victim when you had something to do with it. If you get in a fight with someone, antagonize them, and then they punch you in the face…don’t blame them. You had a choice to engage…as did they. You both chose to do so. Therefore responsibility rests on you both. And three…if you are in a bad situation…get OUT. Don’t sit around and wait for it to get worse…because all the studies in the world point to it will. Don’t be left unprepared and oblivious. If your family and friends are telling you the situation makes them uncomfortable…chances are it’s for good reason. Trust those you should…and get away from those you shouldn’t.