I've found myself

I feel like I’ve found myself. I’ve been working hard on getting everything in my life put back together…and I think I finally have. Things have been getting progressively better…and I’m at the point where I feel comfortable. All the things that need to be taken care of…are almost done. I’m back in school…or rather I will be in 6 days. I’m working enough to support myself…hopefully without overloading myself. The divorce is in the last stages, and it seems to be civil. Trial is only about 2 months away…and I’m feeling stronger than I ever have.

                I’m going alone. That scares the hell out of me. It freaks me out to know that in less than 2 months…I will be face to face with my father again, for the first time in years. I’m not sure how he’ll react to me being there. You never know which Paul you’re going to see…is it going to be sentimental, loving Paul…or angry, psycho Paul? I don’t like the uncertainty.

                What I do like though…is the renewed sense of self I have. I know that I can face him. I’m sure I’ll fall apart…I’m sure it’s going to be one of the hardest weeks in my life. But I know that the strength I’ll use to pull through it…is going to carry me for the rest of my life. It’s hard for anyone else to understand that idea. What they don’t quite understand…is it’s me completely regaining control. My father thrived on having control over people, emotionally and physically. He needed to have power…and he did. He controlled what I did, how I felt…everything about me in some way. But all of this time away from him has helped me regain that power.

                I’m responsible for my own happiness…and I’m in control of my emotions (ok maybe not all of the time, but I am human). My life will go where I want it to…because I’ll make my dreams happen. I won’t spend time doubting myself…because that’s what he wanted.

                Going to trial is me proving to myself that I can maintain my control. I can sit there, watch it all happen, and I will get through it. I know that I have backup at home…and an amazing support system. But when in a situation like that…I can take care of myself. I can stay strong against it all.

                I’m thankful…and a little scared. But more thankful that I got a second chance at this whole life thing. Everyone deserves to be happy.

I always hated statistics...

                It has been an amazing two days. I can’t even begin to explain it. Yesterday was my great grandma’s birthday…and I think she may have sent me some relief from upstairs. I was at the end of my rope the past few days. I’ve been unbelievably bummed…and stressed out. But now…I’m starting to feel better. The simple things are making me happy again…and I’m ready to fight again.  

                Don’t get me wrong…this is hard. I’m not okay right now. I will be…but I’m not. I mean being completely honest…I’ve been torn down quite a few times this year. There is a huge level of stress trying to figure out where I’m going to live, how I’m going to work enough to support myself, and go to school full time. But I know I can do it.

                I enrolled in school yesterday. I’ve been afraid to do it…and haven’t had the motivation or the inner strength to push myself any harder than I already was. Then something snapped…and here I am ready to get back into it. Part of me wanted to send out a mass email to a bunch of people telling them to go screw off the second I did it. There have been so many people who said I wouldn’t and/or couldn’t do it. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “you won’t go back.” Members of my own family made “I’ll believe it when I see it” comments…and “yea we’ll see” remarks. I know I’m not done yet…but this was the hardest part of all of it. So again…to all of those people…bite me. Tell me I won’t do something…and watch how fast I turn it around in your face.

                Anyways…then I went to a wedding last night with a friend. And had an absolutely amazing night. I’m STILL smiling about it, and it’s been almost 24 hours. I forgot about my problems for a few hours, and my cheeks hurt by the time I went home from being so damn giddy all night. My dork true colors showed…and it felt good.

                On another note…I’m trying to stay positive here…because in just 2 short months…is my father’s court date. I’m going…don’t care what it takes. I need to be there, and it’s something that I need to do on my own. I can’t really explain why…it just is. I think I need to prove something to myself…that he isn’t going to affect me for my entire life. Well…just not to the extent that he does now. I need to stand and look him in the eye…with no one by my side…and be able to handle it. I’m sure I’ll break down at some point…I mean if you’ve paid any attention, he’s headed to prison for the rest of his life. Watching that will tear me apart in every way I’m sure of it. Hearing all of the horrible things they’re going to say about him…will hurt me. But it will make me stronger. I will finally be able to see a judge stand up for what’s right…and some sort of justice can be returned to my life. Just two more months…and this whole ordeal can be over.

                I know there will still be a journey ahead. That’s what life is anyways right? But this will bring some sense of closure…”every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” This can be the end of this chapter in my life. In many ways. Ironically enough…the trial will fall during the same week as what should be my 5^th anniversary as well. I guess it will be more of a closing of two chapters completely.

                I’m one of the lucky ones. I get to start over…I get a second chance at this whole thing. Hell…I’ve been given quite a few chances. Statistics said that I would be a drug addict by 12…a deadbeat mother by 16…and then that I’d never finish school.

                I always hated statistics.