Let's be honest

I'm currently sitting here struggling to write an 8-10 page paper on my ethical model...and decision making.

How do you write "my father was a jackass that I strive to be absolutely nothing like" into a paper?

What words do you use to explain that your "ethical model" is very simply...being a better parent than he was, being a better person than he was, and not hurting people.

Really. It's that simple.

Don't. Hurt. People.

That sounds asinine. But the assignment is to explain your ethical model...and that's really all I can come up with.

Well that and "don't be an asshole."

So here's to hoping my professor has not only a sense of humor...but also appreciates my attitude for what it is worth. Because I haven't held back before now and I don't plan to start now.

Living in calm

This is going to be short and sweet.

Tonight I had coffee with a friend who needed someone to talk to. I think we all forget too quickly that there are so many other people out there that need a sounding board...and that are dealing with similar situations. It's nice to remember that we aren't alone. And I speak for myself as well when I say that.

Anyways...I didn't get home until after 8 pm. And when I did...

Dishes were done
Laundry was running
Floors were swept
One child was ready for bed
Homework was done

The house was calm.

It reminded me of the simple things...and how lucky I am to have the marriage partnership that I do. It's not about the big gestures...it's about being able to take time for myself and others...and not worry about my home or kids. It's about having a long day and coming home to peace.

I spent half of my life living in chaos...and I will never take that serenity (or the man behind it) for granted.

The 20th of September

It's that stupid day again. The day of the year where no matter how great things are going in my life, and no matter how healed I feel..I suddenly revert back to a zombified idiot. I can't concentrate, I'm mad at the world for no logical reason and I just feel like the world is crashing down around me.

Now why is it that one day...the date of something...cause me to lose my mind? It doesn't make sense to a logical person. Nothing bad is happening today...no one is hurting me...but I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It happens every year. You think it would get better in time...everyone says it does at least. Yet here we are 5 years later and it still feels like it happened a matter of days ago.

Maybe it's because it's all at the forefront of my brain today, when on other days I am sometimes blessed enough to forget it all. Either way, I'm not a fan of the constant nagging reminder that this time 5 years ago...I could barely pull myself up off the floor.

Well let's be fair. I couldn't stop cooking or cleaning...and then I took off to an island for a week of vacation that I was barely conscious for.

Not exactly "healthy" coping mechanisms. Let alone things I could (or would) do now.

Real life conversation in my kitchen earlier:
Me- "I kinda want to go to the casino and make a lot of money. Simply so I can bet it on his birthday or something. That way...when I lose...I have another reason to be mad at him again."
...silence...
Me- "Is that unhealthy?"
Husband- "Yes..."

Here's the real deal. I don't have the answers. I am frustrated, I am still irrationally angry at my father, but I'm also remarkably hurt by the lost promises and the idea that I will never again get to talk to him. Then on the other hand...I still have no interest in talking to him, and I thank God daily that I no longer have to live in fear.

It's a strange thing living in fear. It's something that never leaves you. When it is that ingrained in your brain...and your body has spent 15 years watching every corner and every car that goes by...you don't really know how to turn it off.

I try to. But it sneaks up on me sometimes, and then leaves me reeling. I am relieved that I no longer have a logical fear associated with that panic moment. I am relieved that when I feel that way...I can honestly tell myself that he is gone, and has no ability to continuously terrorize me and the people that I love.

Then days like today hit. I find myself replaying the moments from hell over the years and getting angry. I am so pissed off that some man was able to put so many people through so much incredible pain. As a mother...I commend my mother for not burying the man in a shallow grave down by the river.

I digress. The man caused pain that can never truly heal...and for that I'm not sure I can ever really forgive him. He had no remorse for the things that he did or the lives that he ruined. He was so intensely mentally ill and addicted that he was a shell of a person. With no real feelings or thoughts that weren't controlled by substances.

So why do I miss him? Why do days like today hurt my heart, and why do the words "my father died" still make me nauseous? Why can I usually have a normal conversation about him and how the experiences shaped me for the better...but then on days like today I can't explain what the day is without tearing up?

It's September 20th. I guess you could call it my "dark day."

It's your life

It's funny how the past sneaks up on you. 

And I don't mean the cutesy drawings you find from your grade school days...or the kid you teased on the bus becoming your boss. I'm not talking basic irony. I mean the big stuff. The moments or the people that pop back up into your life like a bat out of hell. The moments that kind of make your heart skip...and make you wonder if you have made the right decisions for yourself and for your kids.

The last two years have been weird. I was given this amazing gift in our daughter...a gift I never thought I would get. At the same time I lost 3 of my best friends in this world...and it changed my world. On a daily basis I question if we've made the right decisions as a family...if I made the right decisions as a person.

It's been a doozy of a week. Hell...I take that back. A doozy month. A lot of information that my brain isn't quite equipped to handle. I am taking care of a million things, and trying to keep this house running on my own. I am killing myself at work and running myself ragged running my business at home. I am exhausted, and my brain is overflowing. I have so much that I want to do, and so many things I'm trying to accomplish.

Tonight I had to stop myself. I had to realize that I am doing my best and I need to give myself a break. I want to write more for my own sanity...I wish my house was cleaner. I wish I was more caught up on schoolwork, and I wish I was a better friend that paid more attention to what the people around me are going through.

But...

I HAVE TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP. 

The things in the last two years...have happened for a reason. If I have any hope of keeping myself and this family going over the next 9 months...I have to stop kicking myself when I'm down. I push myself to a breaking point...and then push a little harder just to see if I can handle it. I have aspirations that are likely out of my reach...but I am going to push to hit them anyways. I want our kids to have a better life...I want them to see people working hard for what they want.

So here's the deal. I'm a mom and a bonus mom...who aspires to be as close to Lorelei Gilmore as possible. I'm a business owner that keeps notes and reminders written on her hands...and then showers forgetting they are there. I'm a wife that has a ridiculous crush on her husband...but has an attitude that gives the poor man a run for his money. I'm a student that can't keep up with basic tasks, but can write a 10 page paper during an after dinner cup of coffee.

I'm a walking contradiction...and I'm not perfect. But I am working my ass off. I'm trying to avoid an existential crisis while still keeping everyone in this house alive. I have unrealistic expectations for myself...but I'm willing to work hard enough that unrealistic becomes a reality.

I'm beyond lucky to have a partner that supports my insanity.

And I'm so thankful for all of those pieces of my past sneaking up to remind me of that. I have all of the things that I wanted and talked about for years...the love, the home, the kids...everything. And if we don't slow down for a second and realize the good things we have...we're going to miss our lives flying by.

Here's to the exhaustion. 

To the very late nights and the frustrating days. 

The endless to do lists and the laundry pile that never stops growing. 

Here's to toddlers that rip apart what you did just moments before, and the husbands that want attention at the worst times. 

Here's to learning to love every moment of the chaos...because it's your life. 

And here's to loving yourself because you're doing the absolute best you can.