Struggle

I don't play "pretty" on this blog.

It is what it is...I am what I am.

And right now I am struggling hard.

I can't explain it more than that...I'm just struggling.

Life is swirling in a whirlwind around me and I'm just trying desperately to stay afloat.

But in the middle of that chaos today I was reminded of something.

I am a warrior.
I am a badass.
I have overcome more than a lot of people understand.

I am doing my damndest...even if I suck at it.

I'm struggling and it's no secret.
But I want better.

Panic attack- I don't think it means what you think it means

Sitting here at my desk, trying to eat lunch...and suddenly something is terribly wrong.

I mean sweat on the back of my neck, heart racing, watching the doorway, heavy chest...something is really really wrong.

Ever had that feeling when your intuition is SCREAMING that you need to DO something? Someone is hurt, you forgot something really important, one of your kids is in danger? Or the feeling when you see a car flying through a red light headed right towards you?

That's the feeling we're talking about. Without the ability to process fight or flight. Frozen with that feeling.

Here's the thing. I function REALLY well under extreme stress. To the point that when I'm not super stressed out...my body doesn't know how to work the right way. When something is truly wrong...I can handle it. I can handle it calmly and am the first to fix an emergency. Ask anyone that knows me. Serious problem? Katt's got it covered.

Minor issues, basic overall stress level? I'm a mess. My body LITERALLY doesn't know how to function in a way that isn't rush/panic mode. My adrenaline likes to kick into hyper drive for NO apparent reason.

It's like the sitcom you love...everything is going so well for all of the characters, must be time to add some drama.

This phenomenon creates a break between my body and my brain. My body is PANICKED. It doesn't know why. I don't know why. It just is. It is screaming "RUN! EVERYTHING'S ON FIRE! GO FIX IT. HURRY!"

Meanwhile my brain is sitting over here like "What the hell dude. Nothing is wrong. CHILL. For real...stop being such a drama queen."

Unfortunately...my brain and body don't communicate very well.

It creates this inner clash that confuses all of my senses. A horrible rush that will suddenly let down. And when it does...tears. Almost always. Let me remind you again...there is typically no reason for it. No logical explanation for why I freaked out in the first place, and nothing to "cry about." But when your body gets that massive shot of a hormone out of nowhere, and then it's just gone...there's a huge gap in your consciousness.

I usually get really foggy afterwards. Have a hard time concentrating, get really exhausted. The whole ordeal takes a lot out of a person.

Now what's my point of posting this?

Remember patience. We have no idea what battles other people are fighting internally. If you know someone who ever has a weird behavior and they tell you to leave them alone...do it. Have a conversation about it when they aren't actively going through it. Make sure you know what they need...so you can let them process in their own time.

It is so hard and so tiring when these things happen. It's remarkably hard to get moving again with any shred of sanity.

Just because you can't see it...doesn't mean it's not happening. Just because the person isn't huffing into a bag and rocking back and forth in a corner...doesn't mean they aren't struggling. A panic attack isn't what they show in the movies...where someone starts screaming and shaking. I've had a few that honestly just feel like a heart attack that lingers for ten minutes. Thank God the people in my life know by now...and give me time to reset.

Learn about each other. Patience.

Don't ever ever ever judge or chastise someone for something that you don't understand.

When PTSD is a real bitch

http://fox17.com/news/local/woman-dies-in-hermitage-house-fire-2-injured

I read this story today...and it rocked my world.

Arson, sugar in gas tanks, divorce...

This could have been us. It almost was.

Please say a prayer or put up some good thoughts for this family. These things happen so often. Don't be naive to think that they don't.

Don't miss the memo

Today...someone said that I needed to "stop pretending like I am perfect." Now. They didn't say this to my face...they said it in private to someone that is luckily a friend of mine.

What is INSANE about this...is that just moments before getting that message...I had written a post on Facebook about how I was a hot mess express with a one way ticket to Epic Failure.

Here's the deal guys...

if you have read this blog or my Facebook feed...

and you still think that I'm under the impression that I'm perfect...

you've been really missing the memo.

I. Am. A. Disaster.

As in...walk of fame...complete...utter...mess of a human...DISASTER

Some days I am Supermom. 

-I pack lunches, eat healthy, go to the gym, get my kid in bed on time, chat with my friends, pick up the groceries, clean the house, do homework, work my job, and work on my business.

(Oh my god. Did you believe that? I mean seriously did you? 

Because if you did...who the hell do you think I am?!)

That's not true at all. I can basically pick from like 5 of those things mentioned above. On a really good day...maybe 7. On a bad day? Ha. I sit in bed with Emma and watch Friends pretending like my world isn't crumbling around me.

Lately I have seen SO MANY PEOPLE that promote positivity and wellness and happiness...

...JUDGING THE CRAP OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE. 

They get up on these high horses and while masking it under a veil of "motivation" they basically say "my life is just as hard as yours, you suck because you can't keep up, try harder." 

I'm sorry (no I'm not). But WHAT THE HELL is that all about? 

You can be motivating with tough love...while still showing grace and love for your fellow mom (or woman/man/neighbor/whatever).

If you act like you never complain and are never negative and never have days that you suck at life...?

You're a big fat liar. 

End of story. 

You are so miserable with your life that you are making others feel worse because they aren't perfect.

Yup. I said it. 

Stop it.

Now...on that note and back to my original point...

Apparently I behave/speak in a way sometimes that makes people think that I am perfect (or that I think I am). I'm not 100% sure where that came from, although I am completely open to hearing ideas. Because that has never (and will never) be "my thing."

I SUCK. I mean. I do my best. I bust my ass on an (almost) daily basis. 

But I am still massively failing at this whole life thing. 

***Edited to add...this is NOT where I'm secretly hoping for comments about how great I am and how I don't suck and blah blah blah. I really don't want that. I just want to be SUPER clear here.***

We all suck. 

No seriously. 

We are all rockstars and we all suck at the same time. 

Confused yet?

Pay close attention here. I have strengths and weaknesses. Very clear ones.

• I am SO good at maintaining school and work. I am a professional. I work a full time job that I am damn good at...and I push myself to some stupid level with my schoolwork. Even when I feel like I'm drowning...I'm usually doing pretty well. I juggle well.

• I am a rockstar in my marriage. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for the man I am lucky enough to call my husband. I truly do my best to love the hell out of him. We make a conscious effort to spend at least one night a week together without kids or responsibilities. Because that's how our relationship is. It spent the first 16 months surviving on Skype and letters. We NEED time to be us. Now...it also needs to be said that I am a rockstar in my marriage...because my husband is Superman to me. I truly believe that he is a better man than I am a woman...and a better father than I am a mother. That is not being self deprecating...it is me striving to be the kind of woman he deserves. He makes me feel like I could walk on the sun unscathed. He is my kind of superhero. 

• I am the best friend that I can be. I'm not great at the day to day...but you can be damn sure that in a crisis I will be the first person next to you regardless of the circumstances. I am the friend that feels with you and hurts with you. But I'm also your biggest advocate...for any and all reasons. 

Now we hit the hard stuff. The stuff that it pains me to type. 

• I am not a great mom. I said it. (And again, please don't jump to my defense to make me feel better...acknowledging it is what I do to try and get better). I don't know what I'm doing. I am short tempered, and I do not spend the moments that I should soaking up the sweet little girl in the other room. I am constantly feeling guilt because I know damn well I'm not doing everything I could for her. She learns new things and it hurts me when I miss it. I hear about the great day she had with my husband and my heart breaks a little bit. Because when I spent the day with her two days before...I prayed for bedtime. I got stressed and angry when she acted like a toddler. And that sucks. I need to get better...and I am trying to get better. I wished so long for a child...and was so insanely blessed to get her...I need to be better. She deserves a mom who goes to the park instead of working. She deserves a mom who gets up and makes finger paints...instead of the one who struggles to get through one book. 

• I am not good at keeping up with my house. I am trying so hard...but the second I feel on top of things...I see more hair rolling across the floor. The office is a disaster, the garage is clean for two seconds, my car needs a massive cleaning. My laundry is piled up on my dresser 95% of the time. It makes me crazy, it adds to my anxiety...but I truly can't keep up. And the nights where I could be catching up...I'm sitting here writing instead.

• My business is struggling. It is struggling because I am struggling. I have grand plans, and things that I am trying so hard to do. But I don't seem to be doing the right things. It's a slow growth. But it's still growth. I am NOT doing everything I could be. I know this. It sucks...and I want to. But it's something I am terrible at. No matter how many times I recommit and feel the fire for it...it smothers itself.

• My biggest insecurity...my weight. My health in general. Now...I will say that as of the last week or so...I think I have finally hit a breakthrough. But this is a HUGE struggle for me. Now...I do fast food MAYBE once a month. And even that is probably pushing it. I meal prep weekly, I do my best to be active...but I gained about 50 pounds after Emma. It started as a hormone thing, and now nothing seems to be fixing it. It is so beyond frustrating...that it literally haunts my dreams and my thoughts during the day. I feel crappy all the time. Physically and emotionally. I get angry when I am seemingly doing all that I can...but nothing is happening. At the same time...I could be doing more. I choose not to because I have a limit. 

I AM NOT PERFECT. 

Even the good things in my life aren't perfect.

But you can be damn sure that when I feel like every stupid thing around me is falling apart...

I will do my best to put a positive spin on it. 

Because I have seen worse. And because there are too many people dealing with the same things that are too afraid to talk about it...or think that they are the only ones. 

Women who are fighting to put themselves through school while working: I see you. You can do it. It blows, it's exhausting, and it's OKAY to sit on the couch tonight and binge watch Netflix.

Females whose hormones took a whooping and can't loose the weight: I see you. You could join some workout club and lose the weight in 4 months, eating chickpeas and alfalfa sprouts. Or you could do your best to get yourself healthy slowly, and have cheat days where you eat Chipotle and a burger.

Moms who are pretty sure they suddenly weren't cut out for this motherhood thing, despite their planning: I see you. I don't care how much of a miracle, or how happy you are to be a mom...this shit is HARD. Some days it is literally impossible. Go be a Pinterest mom one day and watch your kid reenact Moana at 2 years old the next day. Do you.

Everyone who sees that one person on Faceook that has all their shit together and feels like shit because of it: I FREAKIN SEE YOU. Quick hint...that person doesn't have their shit together. Like...at all. They say they do to feel better. Only way to stop it? Be honest about you. Show allllllll those flaws of yours. Eventually people will understand that it's more fun to be an epic disaster than it is to be perfect.

Yea I said it. 

I'm an epic disaster. 

But it got me all this happiness and crap so it's gotta hold some merit right?

"Never miss a Monday"

There is no other phrase that irritates me more than..."never miss a Monday."

Usually because I see it used by online "inspirational coaches" that are really just guilting you into the fact that you didn't do your workout or you let another day go by not being Facebook perfect.

But here's the deal...I am a TERRIBLE mother/person/business owner/wife on Mondays. No seriously, I'm terrible. I am usually trying to pick up the pieces from the weekend, I'm working from home with a tantrum throwing toddler, and I barely move from the couch or wherever my work phone is.

I suck on Mondays. Today...Emma wore her pajamas all day until she covered herself in chili at dinner and I wiped her down just to put on another pair of pajamas. We didn't leave the house. I didn't work out. I ate whatever I wanted to and didn't brush my hair. I was entirely too tired to do anything to be honest...and by the time Emma went to bed, I had enough energy left for work or for a shower.

Part of that is my overall health. If you don't get it...lucky you. But until you've experienced this kind of exhaustion that you can't control...stop guilt tripping people for doing all that they can to get by.

Back to my original point. I have decided that I won't "miss a Monday" anymore. But I don't mean I will make sure my week is off to the *perfect* start. I mean...I will worry about self care on Mondays. I will never miss time feeling terrible because Monday didn't work out the way that I wanted it to. And I will start over on Tuesday. I will accept that Mondays suck around here for now and that not one person behind the endless inspirational quotes on Facebook is admitting their shortcomings. Life isn't that easy...ever.