Thankful

It’s been a rough few weeks...as anyone that knows me is aware of.

But I can honestly say that I am remarkably proud of the life that I have built. I have amazing and patient people around me...people that truly care about surrounding us in so much love.

There have been nasty triggers, horrible panic attacks out of nowhere...and a lot of anger on my part. But the people near me have been perfect. So patient and so loving. I really can’t ask for much more.

For once

I have rewritten the beginning of this post 20 times. I have created hooks and sentences that would catch people's attention. I looked for the shock factor...and I'm readjusting to the fact that I don't write for other people...I write for me. I have to stop editing myself because I'm worried about what people will think or be offended by.

I'm not on that train anymore...what you get is what I think at the moment. 

You don't have to read it...I need to write it for my sanity.

Take this as your warning.

- Stop reading if you are offended by swear words or honesty.
- If you are related to my father...I also suggest you stop reading now.

It's 3 am...I am beyond exhausted...and pissed. I have kept a lot of my thoughts private lately because I was trying to navigate our new normal. I have been holding in a shitload of anger because I sometimes feel like I'm supposed to have it all together. 

Sometimes these things come up out of nowhere and I am livid.
I am overtired, emotional, punch holes in things kind of mad.
I'm a relatively calm person...I usually bury anger and cry instead of reacting physically.

But right now...I'm just mad. 

I'm livid. 

All the things I have been fighting are boiling up and I suddenly wish there was a basement to this house where I could keep punching bags and weights.

Right now...I can't get half of my "family" out of my head. Certain conversations and dreams are to blame. Suddenly I can't stop thinking about all the things I have never said.

Let's not pretend that I'm not hurt. 

I am.

My heart is falling apart half the time because I think about what could be. I am angry that "family" can be so hurtful and shallow. I am sad for myself...and I'm sad for my kids.

My kids are so loved.

By so many people.

So many sides of family.

They are SO beyond blessed.

But there's still something missing.

There are people missing.

My kids will never know that those people are missing. Because I refuse to explain to them that there are people that have CHOSEN to not be in their lives. My kids are gold. And any person that doesn't want to be around them...clearly doesn't realize what they are missing. Those people are CHOOSING to miss out on some of the best people on this planet.

It pisses me off. Those littles deserve better. 

Better than people that don't see their worth.

And on the same note...I deserve better. I deserve better than people that choose not to see my worth. I struggle sometimes because I wonder if I get to be mad about that? I get so caught up in being mad that my kids won't ever know a quarter of their family...and I forget that I'm still grieving losing those same people. They were in my life once...and suddenly they are just all gone. I no longer fit the mold for them to love.

Tonight...I'm mad for me.

My heart hurts. 

Sometimes it hits me hard...that people have chosen their rich lifestyles over just loving on their own flesh and blood. I struggle with that thought. For an hour or so it creeps up and makes my chest feel heavy. I feel like garbage because someone's pride is more important than me...than my husband and my kids. I feel worthless. 

And then I get really mad.

I go from hurt to pure fury.

Let me be clear.

If you are one of those people reading this...please understand that you are missed. I am sad that you have chosen other things over us. I am sad that the money and "prestige" of that family name has made other things more important than us in your eyes. I am sorry that mansions and fancy things are more important than integrity and honest love for one another.

But at the same time...(turn your kids away from the next few paragraphs)...

Fuck you.

Seriously. You don't know what you're missing. As much as your absence may be felt here...you don't have the slightest grasp of what you are missing.

I am sad because we all deserve better. 

Including you. 

Love isn't supposed to have conditions.

Did you get that? 

It's NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE CONDITIONS. 

If it does...it isn't love.

I'm pissed because I deserved better for the last 27 years. I deserved unconditional love. I deserved one of you to stand up for me. I deserved more than you gave. I deserved any of you to stand up to the money and the "name"...in order to help keep me safe.

But you chose not to. And when I stood up for myself...you treated me like garbage.

So please remember...we are not the problem. Despite the years of me leaving the door open for you to come see us...despite me inviting you to every family event...YOU are the ones who made the choices that you did. You are the ones who decided our wedding wasn't important. You are the ones who complain about "missing seeing Emma grow up" when you've never actually met her. You're the ones who pretend to give a shit...but haven't met Munchkin in the last 6 years full of opportunities.

This is all on you. 

We will always be here. Because that's what family does. But we won't be here with conditions.

You want us...you know how to find us. But don't come at me with rules or expectations. Show me that love is more important than your pride.

For once.