The married single mom

The last four years have been no walk in the park. They have tested me to my furthest point and they have been more exhausting than I could have imagined.

Or at least I thought they had.

Then our house fell apart. We woke up Easter morning to a disaster that not only caused thousands of dollars of damage in our plumbing...but also flooded our crawlspace.It shorted out our furnace and flooded our AC. As of right now...we have been without heat in our home for 12 days.

I have dealt with it.
Every. Single. Piece.

Every contractor. Every restoration team. Every insurance adjuster.

And I am drowning. 

I am so past the point of tired and overwhelmed...that I am straight into numb and confused.

Trying to keep a life together, a child healthy, animals in safe places...work, a business, school...FINANCES.

I am exhausted. I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. 

I am past numb. The more the bad news hits...the more I check out of the situation and just start to function on auto pilot.

I am a married single mom right now. I am on my own to deal with these things...and I thank God every day for my family and my best friends who have stepped up and stepped in to help me deal with this disaster. Never in my life will I forget how amazing some people have been. I am forever thankful.

But I am tired. 

I am struggling so hard to keep my head above water...and so far I'm doing it.

What scares me a little bit...is how easily it comes to me. Crisis management and the ability to juggle five thousand things at once without the slightest emotion...is kind of scary. I have a list, I have a timeline, I have an impossible problem to fix...and instead of turning to anyone else...I just handle it.

I have become too self sufficient. 

And before anyone gets all up in arms...this isn't meant as a "I'm so awesome and blah blah blah I don't need anyone else blah blah blah."

This situation honestly scares me.
I hold myself to standards that aren't attainable by any normal human.
I expect too much and don't allow myself to truly decompress.
Ever.

I grew up in a situation where I had to act fast...and not emotionally. I had to process things in my life quickly and safely. I had to navigate troubled waters on my own.

Here I am 15 years later...and I still don't know how to let someone help. I don't know how to not just fix the situation on my own. I run myself into the ground until I can't see straight...because it's what I know. I don't know how to turn it off.

I want to be vulnerable. I want to be able to turn things over and just walk away. I want to STOP worrying about every tiny detail of everything ALL THE TIME. I want help.

But I don't want to ask for it.

Some days I want to pull over on the side of the road and just scream my face off. I am so pushed to the point of exhaustion that I don't know how to rest. I don't know how to shut things down.

Maybe it's pride. Knowing that I CAN do everything that has to be done...is huge. My self worth and confidence comes from knowing that I am capable of "doing it all"...and doing it well.

But the exhaustion that comes from that is something that isn't sustainable. 

A hard lesson that I haven't learned yet...
You can't be everything to everyone all the time.

And because it has literally been on repeat for a week...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRP8d7hhpoQ

"Well baby I've been here before. I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. I used to live alone before I knew ya. And I've seen your flag on the marble arch...and love is not a victory march."

You fight.

So what do you do?

When you're pissed. Hurt. Upset. Mad at the world. Holding grudges on everyone that ever hurt you. Questioning everything that is happening around you.

What do you do?

You acknowledge the love. There is at least one person in the insanity that loves you no matter what. Find that person.

Then dig deep and find some stupid badass attitude that pulls you out of the negative.

What do you do?

You fight.

This life is going to beat you past the edges of your sanity.

Trust me. I know.

It is going to truly rock your world and ruin everything around you.

You are going to fight some battles that don't make sense and don't seem to have a solution.

And some nights you are going to feel so alone and like you have to do it all on your own.

You might be right.

But the reality is that you can handle it...and you will.

Know that it's okay to feel like the world is crumbling around you while you try to maintain your footing.

It's truly okay.

I am not in control.

I try to be and then life rocks me. I lose everything I thought I had...and we start over. 

Every single person in this world will let you down if you let them. And don't take that as some horribly negative thing. Just think about it.

You will create failures in those people if you want to see them. You will find a way to make their support a negative.

Your world will still crumble.

It's just going to happen.

Be strong enough to put it back together.

Every.

Single. 

Time. 

If you need to punch things, scream into a pillow, or go for a long walk alone...do it.

But do it...and then

put yourself back together.

Fight.