Call me a racist

Today...I disagreed with someone on social media.

I know, I know...my own fault.

And to be truly fair...I was not calm in my initial response.

But here what is CRAZY. I maintained a level head and didn’t insult anyone. I recognize how to get my point across without that. The responses to me? The exact opposite.

“I hope enjoy your comfortably bigoted life with your blue eyed blonde haired family.”

“The only reason she has anything is because of her husband.”

“Who the hell are you besides some entitled brat? If you want to be a racist do it somewhere else.”

“Your opinion is irrelevant. You’re irrelevant.”

Now mind you. My response had just said that labeling people as a race or a _____ made the problem in this county worse. I said I missed 9/12/01 because it was beauty and this America was disgusting. People coming together to help and love on each other is what this country was supposed to be.

But then people proved my point.

This America IS disgusting.

Part of me fought SO hard to not respond anymore and to stop taking offense. How could I? Everything I have is because of my husband? Entitled? Irrelevant? Do these people have a clue who I am or the things I have faced?

The answer?

No.

People project the things they are feeling. At least there’s no other logical response.

I know myself. I know my history and I own it. I parent my children and teach them to have an appreciation for what they were born into.

But I will be DAMNED if anyone tries to make me feel like less for finally getting something I wished, prayed, and fought for...for so many years.

Funny though. How the same people calling me a bigot and a racist...are judging me for my blonde haired and blue eyed children.

Oh how I wish those same children were growing up in a loving world instead of whatever this is.

Mutually exclusive

I have been struggling lately...in case that wasn't already clear. 

Everything is flying around so quickly right now, I can't quite see straight. 

One second I feel like I have everything together. I am organized and ready to take on the world. I am confident and proud. The next minute...I can't pull myself out of bed because I truly don't know how to do the things that all need to be done.

I feel like a crap mom. I yell so much. I am frustrated 99% of the time. I WANT to go do fun things with my kids...but I can't shake the feeling of "xyz" needs to be done before I do fun things.

I HATE seeing the posts on Facebook and social media about "they are only young once" etc. I get that. I am painfully aware that I am going to miss these moments later. I hate every day that things are so up in the air and that I don't get to spend all of the time that I want to with them. 

The kids have been going with my mom once a week. The first week I still had munchkin with me and the two little ones were gone for the night. I spent some time with a few friends but also got a lot done around the house. This past week I was completely alone in our house. For probably the first time ever. I had SO much to do. Homework, revising my graduation speech, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, working out...everything was falling apart.

But instead...I went home and had a few drinks. I DANCED around the kitchen for probably an hour. I blasted music louder than I have in years. To the point I kind of worried that it was too loud for neighbors. I got down to some Destiny's Child and some Nelly. 

And for just a little bit...I kinda felt like me again. 

I didn't get enough done. And I'm paying for that this week. REALLY paying for it. My to do list got longer. My "completed" list got shorter. My sleep schedule got even more screwed up. 

But. I. Felt. Like. Me.

I need to remember how important that is. I spent so many years of my life focusing on other people and how they affected me. I spend all of my time now finding ways to take care of my kids and my husband. I work, I run a household, I go to school so that I can financial provide more later...I kill myself on a regular basis. To the point that it may be somewhat self destructive. 

I need to learn to take more of those moments. Moments where there are a thousand things to do...but I just need some "me" time. There were 15 years where I didn't have any control over my life. I was in a situation that stopped me from choosing anything for myself. 

Then I got married and again was in a situation where I didn't know who I was anymore.

I got out...for the first time in my life I was my own person. I spent a year figuring myself out and growing from my experiences. I had FUN. No holds barred...I worried about ME. I smiled more. I blasted music more. I danced around and didn't give a damn who it bothered.

And then things changed. For the better. I found a person I wanted to spend my life with...TRULY spend my life with. We traveled, we built a home together, we had children.

My identity changed. I wasn't the abused kid anymore. I wasn't the teen divorcee anymore. 

I was a wife.

I was a mother.

This funny thing happens when you become a mother. It quickly becomes your identity instead of PART of your identity. It consumes you faster than you have a chance to realize it.

These tiny humans become every part of you. 

And that has to stop sometimes. 

You will never not be obsessed and completely in love with your babies (hopefully).

You will never be the person you were before.

You will never do anything without thinking about them.

You will never sleep normally again.

You will never stop worrying.

But you have to find time to remember that you were something before they existed. That person is still there and still needs attention.

You have to love on your relationships. All of them.

Relationships with your kids.

The relationship with your spouse.

But also the relationship with YOURSELF.

I'm still me.

And I'm still mom.

They aren't mutually exclusive.

Juggle momma

Juggle momma.

When the baby is crying, the toddler is throwing things, and the dogs are following on your heels because you forgot to feed them this morning...

Juggle.

When you haven't seen the bottom of a laundry basket in weeks, threw together dinner from leftovers in the fridge, and can see the dirt accumulating in the back hallway...

Juggle.

When finishing a shower, let alone showering alone seems like a luxury...

Juggle.

When the phone is ringing and your email is blaring for things that you just haven't gotten to yet...

Juggle.

Do the best you can...even if it doesn't seem good enough. Because little eyes are watching, and one day they may be "momma" too.

February

February has been a horrendous month for this household.

There are a lot of things going on that we can't really talk about. We are fine, kids are fine...just a lot of stress that is exhausting. Sometimes it feels that you finally start making progress, and then all hell breaks loose.

It's not one big thing...just a lot of little things that are piling together and getting overwhelming.

I was feeling really overwhelmed tonight. Angry about some of our circumstances, exhausted, and sad about things I can't control.

I've been binge watching Grey's Anatomy and an episode came on about a couple losing their baby. They had no control over their situation and there was nothing they could do to help their own child.

I cried watching it...but it also reminded me to be incredibly thankful. Not only for being out of the circumstances I used to be in...but also for these tiny humans. I was given the things I never thought I would get.

And even in my worst moments...I have to remember that they are my "why."

Today was a bad day

Tire wall was punctured. Big bill.

Dogs were attacked by a neighbor's wandering dog in our yard.

Kids were crabby. Sleep was nonexistent.

But I was reminded of something really important today.

I have had the same doctor for over 20 years...and she is now the doctor for my husband and our kids as well. From the day they are born...she sees us all.

At baby's one month appointment today...our doctor got emotional. She started talking about how she had been thinking about how my life had changed...and how amazing things were finally getting. She saw me through hell with my father. She saw me through infertility struggles. She saw me through a nasty divorce...and a subsequent few years of depression. 

But then she saw me meet the man I then married. She saw us bring two beautiful girls into this world. She saw us succeed, finish school, and plan for a future.

On a terrible day...she changed my perspective. She reminded me that things have been so terrible in the past...and that they are so amazing now. She reminded me that I am beyond blessed and have more than I ever thought I would have. 

But she also showed me yet again that there are more people in our lives that love us. More than I realize sometimes. 

We are so very very lucky.

Today was a bad day. But it is a really good life.

Rainbows

It's been a rough day. One that I will talk more about later.

But as I was thinking about how great it would feel to write and get my stress out of my fingers...

I realized a few things. I realized that I hadn't written in awhile...and that I hadn't announced one of the most important things that has happened in my life lately.

On January 16th...we welcomed our darling little girl. 

I have bad days...and sometimes it feels that we are constantly facing setbacks. I find myself growing frustrated with how hard we are working to just be thrown a new curve ball. I understand that it's life...and that's how it works...but we all know that some days are just worse than others.

While all of these things were going on in my mind...I was able to see some perspective. My kids make me completely crazy...but they are also the good in the darkness. They are the reason we make it work every day, and the reason that we are so crazy blessed. They make those bad days so much better.

They are my two rainbows.

I'm thankful for the things that I have now...and how amazing life has gotten. I am thankful that even my truly bad days are good ones. I still come home to this amazing family and these beautiful kids. I come home to a husband that I am unbelievably in love with...and a life that is more than I had imagined.