I have been struggling lately...in case that wasn't already clear.
Everything is flying around so quickly right now, I can't quite see straight.
One second I feel like I have everything together. I am organized and ready to take on the world. I am confident and proud. The next minute...I can't pull myself out of bed because I truly don't know how to do the things that all need to be done.
I feel like a crap mom. I yell so much. I am frustrated 99% of the time. I WANT to go do fun things with my kids...but I can't shake the feeling of "xyz" needs to be done before I do fun things.
I HATE seeing the posts on Facebook and social media about "they are only young once" etc. I get that. I am painfully aware that I am going to miss these moments later. I hate every day that things are so up in the air and that I don't get to spend all of the time that I want to with them.
The kids have been going with my mom once a week. The first week I still had munchkin with me and the two little ones were gone for the night. I spent some time with a few friends but also got a lot done around the house. This past week I was completely alone in our house. For probably the first time ever. I had SO much to do. Homework, revising my graduation speech, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, working out...everything was falling apart.
But instead...I went home and had a few drinks. I DANCED around the kitchen for probably an hour. I blasted music louder than I have in years. To the point I kind of worried that it was too loud for neighbors. I got down to some Destiny's Child and some Nelly.
And for just a little bit...I kinda felt like me again.
I didn't get enough done. And I'm paying for that this week. REALLY paying for it. My to do list got longer. My "completed" list got shorter. My sleep schedule got even more screwed up.
But. I. Felt. Like. Me.
I need to remember how important that is. I spent so many years of my life focusing on other people and how they affected me. I spend all of my time now finding ways to take care of my kids and my husband. I work, I run a household, I go to school so that I can financial provide more later...I kill myself on a regular basis. To the point that it may be somewhat self destructive.
I need to learn to take more of those moments. Moments where there are a thousand things to do...but I just need some "me" time. There were 15 years where I didn't have any control over my life. I was in a situation that stopped me from choosing anything for myself.
Then I got married and again was in a situation where I didn't know who I was anymore.
I got out...for the first time in my life I was my own person. I spent a year figuring myself out and growing from my experiences. I had FUN. No holds barred...I worried about ME. I smiled more. I blasted music more. I danced around and didn't give a damn who it bothered.
And then things changed. For the better. I found a person I wanted to spend my life with...TRULY spend my life with. We traveled, we built a home together, we had children.
My identity changed. I wasn't the abused kid anymore. I wasn't the teen divorcee anymore.
I was a wife.
I was a mother.
This funny thing happens when you become a mother. It quickly becomes your identity instead of PART of your identity. It consumes you faster than you have a chance to realize it.
These tiny humans become every part of you.
And that has to stop sometimes.
You will never not be obsessed and completely in love with your babies (hopefully).
You will never be the person you were before.
You will never do anything without thinking about them.
You will never sleep normally again.
You will never stop worrying.
But you have to find time to remember that you were something before they existed. That person is still there and still needs attention.
You have to love on your relationships. All of them.
Relationships with your kids.
The relationship with your spouse.
But also the relationship with YOURSELF.
I'm still me.
And I'm still mom.
They aren't mutually exclusive.
