Here we
go with the first post of this new way to write. I’m flipping to the first page
I find in the book…and writing about whatever comes to mind. Opening book now…
That’s
ironic. The title of the post is “Courage” and it’s all about abandoning your
strong face sometimes to admit that things really are a lot harder than you let
on…and that you’re struggling a lot more than anyone realizes. This reading
really kind of smacked me in the face. Funny how God plans stuff like that
right? I guess this is as good of a time as any…to be completely honest with
everyone reading this. As someone who prides herself on letting it all out on
this blog…I will admit that lately I haven’t. I think I had this mental idea of
a predetermined time for grieving. You get 2-3 months…and then it’s time to
move on with your life. So after that time frame…I pushed it all back. Time to
get back to working, school, daily life. Life wasn’t going to stop because I
was sad…so it was time to stop dwelling.
After
the initial shock wears off…people stop asking how you are. They too have that
preconceived idea that after the mourning period…the pain goes away. You should
be USED to dealing with it. But come on…how many of us get used to a family
member being gone forever? It’s life changing. Especially one in such a strange
and twisted circumstance. It still doesn’t seem real. After not seeing him for
3 years, and then not talking to him for the last year…it hasn’t fully sunk in.
My dad is gone forever…and nothing is going to change that.
Some
days, I actually forget about it completely. I will go all day without one
thought about it. But other days…the pain is so crippling that I feel like he
died yesterday. But I go on with my life. I force myself out of bed…and even if
someone does notice that something is wrong…I brush it off with a “I didn’t
sleep too well last night” or “I just have a test tomorrow I’m worried about”.
But honestly? Pure brutal honesty? It’s complete bullshit. I put on a brave
face all the time…because it’s how I grew up. But inside…I am SCREAMING at the
top of my lungs out of pure terror and hurt.
The
reading I flipped to says “In many a family with impending crisis, there is the
self-proclaimed Pollyanna who ties to keep a stiff upper lip, a calm head, and
an optimistic smile in the face of growing chaos.” Then further “What seems
like courage may really be a form of evasion or denial…behind the mask of
denial, the illusion of self-sufficiency, there really cowers a frightened,
helpless child.” Hard words to hear when you know it’s true.
That reading
was perfect. I am the constant martyr. I won’t admit when I need help…I’ll just
work and push harder to handle it myself. A very self-destructive trait if you
think about it. So from here on out I’m going to try harder to let others in. I’m
going to try harder to be as honest as possible when something is wrong instead
of just putting on the strong face. And I’m going to let people help. I’m not
alone in all this…even though I try so hard to be.
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