"Life always offers you a second chance, it's called tomorrow...the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited, or can only be accepted."

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Inside I'm screaming...

                Here we go with the first post of this new way to write. I’m flipping to the first page I find in the book…and writing about whatever comes to mind. Opening book now…
                That’s ironic. The title of the post is “Courage” and it’s all about abandoning your strong face sometimes to admit that things really are a lot harder than you let on…and that you’re struggling a lot more than anyone realizes. This reading really kind of smacked me in the face. Funny how God plans stuff like that right? I guess this is as good of a time as any…to be completely honest with everyone reading this. As someone who prides herself on letting it all out on this blog…I will admit that lately I haven’t. I think I had this mental idea of a predetermined time for grieving. You get 2-3 months…and then it’s time to move on with your life. So after that time frame…I pushed it all back. Time to get back to working, school, daily life. Life wasn’t going to stop because I was sad…so it was time to stop dwelling.
                After the initial shock wears off…people stop asking how you are. They too have that preconceived idea that after the mourning period…the pain goes away. You should be USED to dealing with it. But come on…how many of us get used to a family member being gone forever? It’s life changing. Especially one in such a strange and twisted circumstance. It still doesn’t seem real. After not seeing him for 3 years, and then not talking to him for the last year…it hasn’t fully sunk in. My dad is gone forever…and nothing is going to change that.
                Some days, I actually forget about it completely. I will go all day without one thought about it. But other days…the pain is so crippling that I feel like he died yesterday. But I go on with my life. I force myself out of bed…and even if someone does notice that something is wrong…I brush it off with a “I didn’t sleep too well last night” or “I just have a test tomorrow I’m worried about”. But honestly? Pure brutal honesty? It’s complete bullshit. I put on a brave face all the time…because it’s how I grew up. But inside…I am SCREAMING at the top of my lungs out of pure terror and hurt.
                The reading I flipped to says “In many a family with impending crisis, there is the self-proclaimed Pollyanna who ties to keep a stiff upper lip, a calm head, and an optimistic smile in the face of growing chaos.” Then further “What seems like courage may really be a form of evasion or denial…behind the mask of denial, the illusion of self-sufficiency, there really cowers a frightened, helpless child.” Hard words to hear when you know it’s true.
                That reading was perfect. I am the constant martyr. I won’t admit when I need help…I’ll just work and push harder to handle it myself. A very self-destructive trait if you think about it. So from here on out I’m going to try harder to let others in. I’m going to try harder to be as honest as possible when something is wrong instead of just putting on the strong face. And I’m going to let people help. I’m not alone in all this…even though I try so hard to be.

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