I never post anymore...and when I do it seems to be less and less often as time goes by. I used to be posting every few days, at least every few weeks. Now I'm lucky if it's once a month. I can't decide why. I would like to think that it's because my father isn't on my mind very often...and I don't have the need to talk about things. But I know that's not the truth. My father is on my mind every day...but true to form I start pushing thoughts of him away as soon as they surface.
Sometimes it all feels like a dream. The jail time, the things he did...things I went through when I was younger. It feels like some strange movie that I watched and now try to block out. Sometimes it comes through loud and clear...and I can physically feel being shoved around or hurt. I will panic as though I'm in intense danger right in that moment. But I'm not. I'm fine now...I'm safe...he's dead.
And sometimes I feel this crazy guilt. I used to wish my father dead. I thought that him being gone would mean I would finally be safe and would have closure. In a way...I was right. With him gone I am safe, but there certainly isn't the amount of closure I was hoping for. I know how terrible that sounds...but it's simply the truth.
It's strange, when the topic of my father comes up I spit all sorts of information out without even thinking about it. I can openly (and maybe too easily admit) that my father was a diagnosed psychopath that admitted to setting his girlfriend's house on fire because he wanted to kill her. He threatened to kill me multiple times. He abused all of the women in his life, including his small children. He was an insanely sick and human being.
But because of him...I know how to NOT be a victim. I guess that's where this is all coming from. I was at a USMC reunion this weekend with Nick, and there were so many men there that went through hell. They went through scary situations, they lost their friends...and yet the ones that I met...don't act like victims. They lost body parts, they have physical and mental scars that may never go away. But they don't sit and feel sorry for themselves. They celebrate life. They celebrate each other, and honor those that are no longer with us.
They aren't victims, I'm not a victim...and I think more people need to live their life in that way. Being victimized does not make you a victim. You choose what it makes you. Victim or survivor.
Life sucks sometimes. There's no better way to put it. People hurt you, and situations get out of control. But things can also always get better. Maybe that's why I don't post much...because things are better. And they will continue to get better.