A restraining order is just a piece of paper

This post is coming from an inner strength I've found in myself recently. Occasionally I fall into this "I can't do it anymore" mentality and I get overwhelmed and crazy frustrated. I get jumpy, nervous, and I worry about every little thing that can go wrong. Especially when Nick is working nights. I don't sleep well, and that just compounds the nervousness as the insomnia gets worse and worse.

But there is something that makes me feel better. And you can take this post however you want to, as I'm sure many will get mad about it.

The range is my outlet. I have control over everything that happens as I stand there. I have control over my breathing, I have control over my aim, and over how the gun behaves. It will not do anything without me making it. 

It takes discipline, it takes focus, and it takes confidence. I find a sense of pride in my accuracy getting better and my ability to move faster with that accuracy.

A large part of my anxiety that has developed over the years is from not feeling safe for a very long time. As long as my father was alive, I was in danger. It's that simple. Whether he lived here, in Florida, or was off the radar...I was in danger. Every time I saw a black Galant, my heart would sink just a bit and I would watch to see if it was following me. Every time I saw a man in the distance, I studied his facial expressions to make sure it wasn't my father reappearing. 

When I lived in his house, I had no defense. I slept with a frying pan under my pillow some nights. I made plans of how to get around him fast enough to get to the kitchen and to get a knife if I had to. My only defense was my ability to move faster, and think smarter. As I grew older and was out of his house, I had pepper spray and a restraining order. That paper went everywhere with me, and I kept the pepper spray and a tape recorder ready at all times. If something happened I would create a distraction, flip the tape, and call the police. But during all of this I was at the hands of others. I depended on the police to respond quickly, and take the correct action (which trust me, they NEVER did). 

I am no longer at anyone's mercy. And that feels good. Better than I can even put into words. I would (obviously) never hurt anyone in an offensive way. I would never get myself into a position where that gun could cause harm to other people...unless it's a matter of my life. 

But for once...my life is in my hands. I don't anticipate ever having to defend myself in that way...but if I do, I feel the utmost confidence in my ability to do so under pressure. 

I am a strong woman. Mentally and physically. I will not let the actions of others make me feel inferior or unsafe ever again. 

"Teach your daughter's to shoot...a restraining order is just a piece of paper."