Struggling

I’ve been fighting with myself a lot lately. I’ve fallen out of writing…and I can’t really say why. Granted it was a lot easier when I wasn’t working full time and doing all of the other things I’ve been doing lately. But I feel like there’s more to it than just being busy. I’ve kind of lost my voice…and I’ve really been struggling. I look at the situation I’m currently in, and I see beautiful people who are surrounding me with support. But then I look beneath the surface and I can see all the turmoil that my father has caused in my family. And it’s really getting to me.

                My sister’s mom and I were talking the other night about the situation and how it was affecting my little sister. And it hurt me to know how hard this is on her. I’m thankful she doesn’t have it worse than she does, and I’m even more thankful that she’s such a smart girl and isn’t falling for all that I fell for.

                She knows now…knows where he is. And that breaks my heart. She’s not old enough to deal with that kind of burden, hell…I’m not old enough for it. I’ve spent a long time keeping that information from her, because I don’t want to see her hurt in any way. I know how hard it is for me to deal with on a daily basis…and she’s still so young.

                Her mom told me about the letters he had been sending to her, and how she didn’t want to talk to him. And as much as this next part shouldn’t have bothered me, it did. He was blaming me for her refusing to talk to him. I know he’s crazy and that he blames everyone else for his problems…but I am so SICK of being the one who is blamed. Between all of the people blaming me for what he’s gotten himself into…I’m ready to scream. His ex blames me for not warning her…when that’s all I did for months. Her family blames me for not putting him behind bars before now…which they have no idea how hard I tried. I was just a kid. And on top of it, he blames me for everything that happened that night. Says that he snapped because I wasn’t there and refused to be in his life. That my birthday sent him over the edge.

                I know it’s not true. I swear I do. But there’s this sick part of my brain that hears all that and just sucks it up like one of those damn magic sponges. It sits in the back of my head and I start to randomly doubt myself at the worst times. I feel horrible for what happened, and in all reality, I had nothing to do with it. But it still haunts me.

                I am so proud of my little sister. More than I can even begin to say. She is so smart and strong…and she’s far beyond her years. She shouldn’t have to be, but she is, and she never ceases to amaze me. I didn’t want this to be something she’d have to deal with…but I guess deep down I knew it was inevitable. I just hope she continues to keep up this amazing strength, and is able to get through this all as unscathed as possible. I really hope that she doesn’t end up as mentally screwed up as I did.

                Maybe there’s just too much in my face right now, but I don’t feel like me. Maybe it’s just all a part of the healing process. I really don’t know…I’m new at all of it. All I do know is I’m trying. I’m working ridiculously hard at pulling myself together, and getting my life back on track. I’m not perfect, and I’m no stranger to that fact. I mess up, I fall apart, and then I find a way to fix it all. I’m in this on my own…and it’s a fight I’ve got to win by myself.